kaTe_gAnda

how evil are you

2006-04-24T18:47:00.000-07:00

You Are 64% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.

Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

2006-04-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

Nature has its own ways of letting us suckers feel the full brunt of reality. Masochistic it may sound but this is the truth: Nature drowns us always in our worst. And we, while drowning in our own misery, while hanging on to our dear life, are constantly gasping for air, finding a lending hand, asking for help. But it seems no one would dare to go to that lonely ocean of ours and rescue us. And as time goes on, we'll soon realize that it's only we who could save ourselves from drowning, that we must help ourselves get out of that ocean, and that we should never trust our lives to others. Nature sure is a merciless bully, but she is one heck of a teacher.

2006-04-04T03:45:00.000-07:00

You float on air, feel very light, happy expressions pouring. You've found the person you've been looking for all your life. You'll share those happy moments; trap them in your memories to cherish in the future. All your life, you've waited for this... you have dreamed of this.

Moments of sadness are now gone. Feeling loved and content, you continue with your life of joy that seems never-ending. Then it comes, the moment wherein you have to give up the most important thing ever. Your entire dream shatters into pieces; you could not believe this is for real. You would reason out to yourself, saying that this cannot be. You'll do stupid things, can't eat, won't speak, you wallow all day and all night.

A line from Dishwalla's song somewhere in the middle goes like this "when you drink it makes you angry, when I drink I want you more, and more, and more." Is that the way you were supposed to love? Be a fool for love, and continue even if it means pain?

You blame everything including yourself. And then you would wake from all that. You would realize the stupidity of the things you're doing not only to yourself, but also to the people around you. You would now think using your brain. In loving someone, you should learn how to let go. Learn to leave something for yourself, and the people who love you. The thought that the peep's leaving you means he/she's not happy bout the things going between the two of you. Just be happy for the peep, because there are things that are not meant to be and tends to end so fast. Be glad that you were able to love, and be loved back. The best thing to do now is to continue with your life and eventually, you'll fine someone else to love, then you would be happy. Again.

2006-03-31T04:49:00.000-08:00

SUMMER NA!!!

2006-03-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

Often when you least expect it...something happens that either validates your current state of mind or make you change it.

I've recently adopted the mindset that I'm just going to relax and let God write my love story. No more active pursuit of that next wonderful romance. I'm letting fate take a hand at that particular section of my life and let's hope that I would be wonderfully surprised.

Then fate gave me a message...

While savoring a cup of brewed coffee and munching on my favorite ham and cheese croissant, I happened by an entire section of the Inquirer on no less than Summer Loving. Stories of love discovered serendipitously, of strangers who found each other and eventually tied the knot. These people didn't look for love...it found them.

So...fine...I get it now. You don't really need to bust an artery to find love because it finds you. Rocket science? Not exactly...more of Juan Tamad finds love while sleeping under a mango tree. But is that really possible? There's a saying that goes "God helps those who help themselves." But what if you've been out there, done that, met people and even had a couple of long term relationships that fizzles out eventually, does that mean you're just not helping yourself enough? Or is it time to surrender it all to fate?

When is helping yourself really helping your cause?

For some it works to go party every night or frequent internet hook up sites but for someone like me who doesn't have the patience nor the inclination to do "EB's" or talk to strangers then doing those things aren't appealing in the first place. So, where does that leave people like me? Yes, I guess we're back to the concept of serendipity. Fate will take a hand at one point or another...maybe once she sees you're struggling too much and you now look like fish out of water. Pathetic? Nah...just in need of some divine intervention.

Besides, isn't it way better to be surprised with something so beautiful as finding your one true love without trying too hard or hurting other people than plotting your way through the process? It’s better to be blessed with it than forcing the issue with tears along the way.

This time I'm letting fate take a hand...let's see what she has in store for me. Happiness is just around the corner...I could almost feel it. So here's to the hope that sitting underneath a mango tree on a balmy night would bring a good dose of love our way.

2006-03-22T13:16:00.000-08:00

To those of you wishing to break up with someone you're not really in a "relationship" with, this how-to should help you get it done quickly.

1. Get yourself a nice friend, preferably someone of a different nationality. Make sure the cultural differences aren't that pronounced and that you have at least one common language you're both fluent in.

2. Start hanging out with said friend, day in and day out. Make sure you two become very close friends and you're both very comfortable in each other's presence. If he's the usual (immature) guy in his 20's, he'll try to get your attention by teasing you a lot about everything you do. You'll do the same and start acting exactly like a buffoon [or insert other appropriate noun here]: you tease him about his growing paunch and you pick on the way he eats his food, i.e., he hates it when any kind of sauce mixes with his precious white steamed rice.

3. A few weeks after that first kiss and after you start acting like you're more than friends, play games by pretending you don't really like him. This is to mess up his mind and make him even more confused about what your relationship really is about.

4. Choose a really bad day, such as when he's coming down with the flu, to talk to him about your relationship. Specifically, ask him this question: "What exactly are we?" Let him struggle to come up with an answer until he gives up and says, "We're friends, aren't we?" and follows it up with, "I'm sick right now, I can't really think. So why don't you think about it and we can talk about it tomorrow?"

5. The next day, pretend nothing happened. Go on with your life, but each day try to be more and more distant. In a few days, you'll find that he will not disappoint...he'll also start acting like nothing in your friendship changed. He'll go back to being the same person that bugs and teases you.

2006-03-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

This is a stupid entry, if you're not into stupidity and nonsense stop right now or forever hold your peace. This isn't an attempt to show my witty side, not even an attempt to be plain funny. It's just that the urge to write about something stupid is unbearable that i had to give in.

Through the years, I observed that not a lot of people know the Hcorrect spelling of HEARTTHROB. I'm not judging them, i think it's really confusing. But thanks to these booboos i found inspiration to write something that will satisfy my craving for absurdity.

Hearthrob -- the more common spelling. the synnergy of the words heart and throb. i think among the incorrect spellings, this is the most acceptable and expected. A hearthrob will have to be someone that makes another person's heart throb faster. in fact, it's so fast that the other "t" got lost along the way. (e.g. "Ohmigosh, Bam Aquino's here, he's such a hearthrob! --the girl here is hyperventilating and palpitating at the same time)

Heartrob -- this one's easy, if you're a heartrob, chances are, you get to rob other people's hearts. Though the more correct term would have to be heart robber. heart rob is the word's verb form. (e.g. Bam Aquino heartrobs Eunice's heart.) The occurence of such phenomenon is a heartrobbery.

Heartrub /Heartrubber -- ok, a heartrub is a person who seem to "touch" another person's heart, this thus explains the rubbing motion. It's like the caressing of hearts (tonight i need your sweet caress, hold me in the darkness) But just like the Heartrob, the more correct term is heartrubber. (e.g. i think i'm falling for him, he touches my heart in ways i can never imagine, he heartrubs me.) But then it'll evolve into a whole new word, a heartrubber is someone who possesses quite a flexible heart -- duh, rubber? --. This person claims to be able to love two or more people all at the same time because his/ her heart can extend to them.(e.g. That guy from the basketball team is a player, he is a heartrubber!)

Hurtrob -- for me, this is the most uhmm, emotionally-charged spelling of all. Hurtrob is someone who robs your heart and hurts you in the process. We all encounter a hurtrob at least once in our lives. He can be that childhood sweetheart, that highschool jock, that artsy musician in college or your boss in the office. This guy's Mr. Out-of-my-league. At times, his hurting us and robbing our hearts are unintentional, but since it's a cruel, cruel world, most of the time, it's really intended.

Heartrobe - someone who protects your heart and cares for it. he puts a "robe" around it so it wouldnt be vulnerable. (e.g. I'm not attracted to him, but he's such a heartrobe that i feel safe when im around him.)

That was fun. It just goes to show how easy it is to come up with something with insignificant..

2005-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to you all!

2005-12-10T00:14:00.000-08:00

A fellow columnist mentioned in her blog about reaching the age of nineteen and retiring from that angst phase. When you step in your 'senior teenage year' you will get tired of hating the world and bitching whenever your parents order you to do something that is against your will. I mean, come on, you are almost done in post-secondary school. It is about time to think of job opportunities, corporate clothes, and a brighter tomorrow. You are about to become independent, standing in your own feet. Optimism is pumping in your veins. You know the cliche.

Nevertheless, I am afraid that there exists a minority who feel that cynicism paid them a late visit. The late bloomers are starting to feel that they are losing control over their lives, something that they did not experience during their early teens. Anything that does not go along their way makes them feel helpless, and sometimes leads them to the state of denial. You usually hear them talking how life is starting to get really blurry when it is supposed to be bright and secure (because of post-secondary education). What is most interesting is how parents get involve in this rather abnormal appearance of hatred and grudge in the life of an early 20's person.

If you think about it, hating your parents is not cool especially if you are in your 20's. As a reasonable son/daughter, you are supposed to be calm and collected, thinking that you have to be more patient because you are getting older, and so does your parents. You have to understand that sometimes, the folks think in a very twisted manner, and as a person with a wider view of the world (or someone that understands more), you just have to deal with what they are saying. After all, it would not take a while before you settle down and finally leave their place, right?

While you are supposed to understand your parents, you cannot just force yourself to do it because you know that what they are doing, or imposing, is absolutely insane. I have a 22-year old guy friend who complained about how his parents set a curfew on him one night. If you are in his shoes, are you going to break the curfew when an explanation ("Mom, dad, I am freaking old to have a curfew.") is not enough? In a situation like this, you cannot do anything about it because you still live with them (I think most of us do), and any plans of leaving home after graduating are treated as a big, fat, joke. How are you supposed to 'grow up' when any attempts to do so are considered futile (and you have not started yet)? Have you ever imagined your friends who are already passed by that stage, currently enjoying their money and you, on the other hand, still mutters how life is so unfair? It is sick, but you really cannot do anything about it, which again, adds up to the pile of anger that you have been feeling.

There are things around us that do annoy us, to the point that we feel numb and apathetic because of too much angst. You might want to complain about how your parents are exposing your inner bitch, by setting up a curfew and other restrictions that usually apply to a teenager. While those who experienced this situation got it over with, let us just hope for the best for those people who had it in a later point of time, that brewing the negative feelings would not affect the rest of their adult life.

2005-12-03T21:32:00.000-08:00

Only you can say what love really is for you, but then maybe I can help you define it by telling you what I believe it is not.

Despite what most people think, love isn't selfless. You don't love for the sake of other people. All emotions are selfish, self-centered. No one can force you to feel anything other than what you really feel. Emotions never lie, people just misinterpret or disregard them.

Love can't be "learned". You can't "learn to love" someone you don't love. You just delude yourself into liking them.

Love isn't alms. You don't love someone because you feel sorry for them. That's not love. That's just pity.

Love isn't need. It's not love when you expect the other person to fill a gap in your life. If that need disappears or is filled by something or someone else, then the supposed "love" disappears too. If you love someone because you want security or happiness or contentment from him or her, you're not going to get those things if they're not within you in the first place.

Love isn't "completion". You're already complete as you are, you just need to discover and acknowledge it. It's not love if you think you need someone to feel complete. If that feeling doesn't come from you, you're not going to get it anywhere else.

Love isn't just a "feeling". It is both felt and known. Your emotion and reason must be in sync. "Love" without reason is just lust or shallow attraction. "Love" without emotion is simply justification and rationalization.

Love isn't just in the present. You have to love who that person was and who that person will be.
Love isn't supposed to drive you crazy. It's not supposed to wreak havoc on your life. It's supposed to inspire you into being the best possible version of yourself.

music world

2005-11-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

For the love of God, somebody change 50cent's face before I whack the TV from sheer horror. It's uglier than Usher's. If Hollywood can make Demi Moore's 50 year old body look like a teenager's, I'm sure they can make 50cent look less like a gorilla and a little bit more half-manish.
--
The start of the twenty-first century saw the rise of teen popstars who not only bring hip music to the entertainment industry but who also show an abundance of flesh and dirty dancing. Girls like Britney Spears, Cristina Aguilera and the rest of the girls in my sick head, have spearheaded a drive that will hopefully end the age of boy bands forever. Please support their cause. And their videos. Actually, just their videos. Thank you.
--
If you've been following the buzz of entertainment news, you'll realize that the Madonna-Britney-lesbo stunt and the unveiling-of-Janet's-boob-by-Justin scene are just snapshots of what's to come in the future. Television is slowly becoming a medium of soft porn! We are evolving into a species that's depraved, immoral and shameless. I'll have no problem with this as long as we don't end up looking like 50cent.
--
I remember Lindsey Lohan from Parent Trap. She used to be this cute, little thing my five year old cousin raved about night and day. Now she's a goddess among redheads. The Olsen Twins were ugly little brats from the 90's sitcom Full House. Today they're the stuff of every guy's perverted fantasies. Hilary Duff? She's Lizzie Maguire for crying out loud! She can't even sing well!
--
South Border's Rainbow is probably the first song our country has produced that actually sounds foreign. When you take local music from the likes of Jolina, the Sex Bomb Girls, and Andrew E. in consideration, my first sentence is an unmistakable compliment. Now if only they can remove that wretched pig Sharon from the video...
--
If all girls were as smart as Jessica Simpson the world would be a better place.
--
Do people actually listen to Coldplay?
--
Why do rappers feel the need to introduce themselves before doing their song? What's worse is that they spell their names out... in the chorus! Yes Snoop Dogg we know it's a double-g in the end, now shaddup already. Puff daddy, P Diddy, it doesn't matter what you're called... you still belong to the 50cent-Usher roster.
--
Jay-Z is the luckiest man on the planet. Even if he is ugly.
--
You'll notice that the ugly-folk mentioned in this article are all sinfully rich and famous. This is a growing process/phenomenon in the music business. Look at Meatloaf. He's so fat, the guy's considered an ugly girl with man-breasts. Those rappers who do the chorus lines for J.Lo can fit two or three mes in their bodies without stretching their thankfully-covered bellies. Ja Rule stands 5 feet 2 inches tall. With these prime examples of talent and aesthetic appeal, my plan is to become short, fat, ugly and have the overused talent of rhyming words with 'f*ck' and 'bitch' in a harsh angry monotone.
--
The Filipino version of American Idol is f*cking hilarious. I've seen segments of the Q&A scenes and for some reason, the contestants (aspiring Idols) start sobbing even before the questions are delivered. Simon, my friend, you will be stoned to death in this country.
--
Speaking of which, don't you just love the part when Luis Manzano (that VJ in MYX) consoles the rejected now-sobbing or close-to-tears contestant with the question, "How are you feeling right now? What's going through your head?"
Well, Mr. VJ, I've just been publicly humiliated on national television, my friends will secretly make fun of me behind my back till the ends of time, and since I don't come from a political family, you f*cking moron, I've just lost my one and only chance to make money in this godforsaken country. That's what's going through my head. But for the sake of preserving whatever dignity I have left I'll just look at you, quirk my lips as if this was all meant to be and smile through salt-tasting tears... wishing you a most arduous journey to hell. Thank you for asking.
--
MTV Cribs is a program that showcases the enormous wealth artists have accumulated because of selling their multi-platinum albums to stupid idiots who have no lives, homes or much wealth - people like you and me. It glamorizes their million dollar estates, their 'living like the Romans' lifestyles and their leisurely disposal of every single expensive toy known to mankind. One day I will be in this show. And I will rest happy and content knowing that somewhere halfway around the world, somebody is watching me and getting really, really annoyed that I have everything I want in life while he has shit. He may laugh at me being one of the ugliest creatures in the planet. But what will I care? I'll be driving a Lamborghini, sipping a Martini while dating numerous girls who dress in those ever-so-revealing bikinis. He'll be lying lazily at the couch... in his parent's house... typing silly, derogatory articles about celebrities.
--
Some Rap and R&B stars claim to enjoy the soothing rhythm of John Mayer's tunes. I like John Mayer. They like John Mayer. This is, no doubt, a prophetic sign that I will be in Cribs soon. The host of the show, whose name is unknown, will ask me whose music I listen to the most. And I will casually say John Mayer. The reply will be... "Ahhh, you have the same taste as Kanye West and Jay-Z. You're not as ugly as both and infinitely not as rich either but you have the same musical fervors. Show as your house, you classy poor person."
--
Kid Rock has crossed over from hardcore heavy rock to Kenny Roger's style of country music. This is a sign that the world is going to end. After I finish my stint in Cribs, of course.
--
In conclusion I must say that the music world is made up of several beings - beautiful and not so beautiful divas, ugly rappers, fat singers, people who like John Mayer, people who don't, people who cry and get rejected from shows like American Idol, people who win and become filthy rich afterwards, people as smart as Jessica Simpson, people as nice as Simon Calwell, people in MTV Cribs, people who want to be in MTV Cribs, and of course, 50cent. I'm sorry. He's just so damned ugly.

dark thoughts...

2005-09-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought of dying? I have - in great detail. It was an obsession of mine from a time, and sometimes crops up when a deep depression hits me.

It doesn't matter if it's suicide or accident. As long as it's not so violent they will have trouble recognizing my body afterward. Actually, I would prefer to die in sleep, peacefully, never to wake up again to the noise and sounds of the living.

My will is maybe too much that even in my dream I died several times. It's like someone is showing me how it feels to die. You can't move, you can't scream. You're body is frozen into immobility but inside you are screaming for help. "I'm dying! Please help!" you cry, but no sound comes out of your lips. Then you get smaller and smaller inside yourself, shrinking inside your body, everything going dark but you can still see the outlines of your room. You are slipping away, fading into oblivion, with the terror of certainty that you are going to die, die, die. You are thinking you are not ready, please-God-give-me-another-chance-please-don't-let-me-die!

Then you wake up in terror, not relieved enough to find the world a suddenly beautiful and meaningful place, but the same old shit that made you want to die in the first place.

Sometimes there's another version of dying. This one scared me more, for it seems darker, almost evil in nature. You find yourself awake in the middle of the dream. Instead of shrinking inside, you feel a slam of force, a huge suction of power that draws you in, that no matter how tight you hold onto your bedposts you are led to the unseen source of power. Again you cry for help, but nobody hears for your lips remain immobile, useless. Inside your brain you are terrified - saying forgotten prayers, inventing new ones. You are getting weaker and the sinister whirlpool is getting stronger, and you are second by second drawn in, your hands losing its grip and you let go and you scream and...

You wake up drenched in sweat and search the room for any unusual elements. You remember that in the dream it was invisible, like a treacherous black hole, just waiting for a moment when your guard is down to open it's mouth and suck you in, suck you right into hell, probably.

Those are my two versions of dying, of death that I've experienced already. It's rather like a test-drive, you feel the whole experience without the end result.

I don't want to be raped or brutally murdered or hit by a bus. I try to think of any accident that I might want to die of - maybe a stray bullet, a gunshot that wasn't meant for me but somehow finding its way to my heart or my brain. There, instant death.

Poison comes to mind, but I don't want to retch and vomit to my last second of dying. It seems awfully prolonged and needlessly painful.

Suicide. Very easy task. I won't do it with a rope. It would scare anybody to find me swaying, tied from the ceiling, neck strangled by the rope, my tongue lolling and my face a strange purplish hue. I'd be too vain to try this stunt.

So maybe my sleeping pills? How many capsules is there in a bottle - about 60 pills I think. Would that be enough - if not I'll buy more. I hope it will be instantly effective. I hope they won't have time to revive me, to force the substance out of my body. I want them to find me dead. Gone. Gone from their reach. Gone from everything that could hurt me.

Just gone.

Der Wille Zur Macht

2005-09-04T19:33:00.000-07:00

It takes chaos within to make a dancing star. It takes a certain kind of strength and conviction to get and do the things you really want in life. Everybody wants to go to heaven yet no one wants to die.

In a certain environment, like a big catholic campus where individuality is misconstrued with being epal. Unlike in your high school where there are so few of you and you can easily stand out. But here, you're nothing but a mere statistic. Your presence is ephemeral and they will go with or without you.

You just become a part of the pariah of clones. You have no right to be yourself because of the social norms and standards. Your individuality will becomes a liability. You have to be them in order to survive for your presence is just an option.

Everyone is not what he or she seems to be. They might be wearing masks or procuring illusion. What we see is what we never really get. Everyone has his or her own intention, battle plans and strategies in order to get it.

When push comes to shove. When you want aim high but the top is barely out of reach. There are certain something you have to do in order to be noticed, to get what you really want and be heard.

You have to know the right people. You have to be with the right people. You have to be known as the 'right' people. And in order to be with right people, we have to do certain task or even sacrifice ourselves for it. We have to lick asses, learn to be plastic, prostitute our bones and even sell our souls.

It has become our preparation for next goal. The universe.

The universe as we know it is a rabbit pulled out in a hat by a strange magician. Whoever he is and how did the rabbit came out is a big question for all of us. We are like the microscopic fleas inside this rabbit. Those who are brave enough climbs at the peak of these fine hairs to see the big picture barely holding on with their strength and sanity.

Sometimes the big picture is too large for our miniscule understanding. Here comes the thin line between genius and insanity. Thus, it doesn't take genius to get what you want in this life. Sometimes we have to sacrifice our philosophical hunger, our emotional lust and physical needs to get what we desire in life.

To leave a mark in this world.

As a microscopic flea in the giant rabbit pulled out in a hat. Our memories and existence will vanish after a few generations. This comes our self-delusion of grandeur. Our want for immortality.

Ask yourself, is your soul worthy of popularity? To be known by everyone? To be loved by everyone? With the cost of your own individuality? Is it really worth it? Or you may have lost your own self that it has become nothing but a mere empty victory.

Sometimes, there are certain exceptions when people get to be known by just being themselves. The best examples are Eddie Gil and Madame Auring who seemed to be coming out with their own movie.

Being alone is not a curse. Sometimes it's a choice. We can try all we want to get our real desire in life especially if it's worth it. Remember, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

awwww....so sad nanaman!

2005-08-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

read this...ang sad.....

Picture this: a guy and a girl, walking in a park. Save for some people walking their dogs, they are alone. And they are walking, quietly, calmly, not really aware of their surroundings. They are surrounded by their own thoughts instead.

When the guy breaks the silence he is hesitant, as if he is choosing his words. The words that come out are placid, carefully controlled. He inhales after the last one, bracing for something. But to his surprise the girl shakes her head, smiles nonchalantly, and focuses on an impressive bloom of flowers - he doesn't make an attempt to look where she's looking because he is more intent in reading her thoughts through her eyes.

She is not there. There's a serene smile on her face, a calm that he hasn't seen before...and he cannot reach her. He doesn't know why his relief has more than a tinge of sadness in it. He expects accusations, tears, and maybe anger and a slap in the face. Yes, he expects all those and and is ready for them.

But there she is, her face being caressed by the gentle April sunlight, her eyes closed now, hiding her expression from him. Her lips are tilted at the corners. She looks like she's about to burst into laughter.

She opens her eyes and looks at him. He is somewhat bemused, she thinks. And a little irritated. She raises her brows and says, "I'm sorry - were you saying something?"

"No," he says, roughly. "You've changed."

She shrugs her shoulders. It is a graceful movement. It used to annoy him in the past because he never knew what she meant by it. He still doesn't know. And the annoyance is turning to anger.

"You've lost weight."

For once he catches her attention. She frowns.

"Too thin?" She made a little moue.

He looks at her lips, and her body. "I don't know..."

"I have to eat more - I've been really careful with my diet. Maybe too careful."

He looks away and asks, "You haven't been sick?"

She stops, then shrugs her shoulders.

"Were you sick?" He asks in more demanding tone, this time not masking his observation of her body.

She looks at him sharply, suspiciously. "I was sick for maybe a couple of weeks. Nothing serious." She steals a glance and sees his throat working. Oh no. He shouldn't know.

"Sheesh." Unexpectedly, she makes a twirl. "I'm healthy. Strong as a horse. I swear I can run faster than you."

He smiles at that. But he notes her cheekbones, more pronounced now than it has ever been. Maybe it's the sunlight.

She turns to him, her eyes shining, her radiant beauty stunning him for a moment. "I'm so glad I bumped into you."

He feels strange, and he chokes on his words. "Me too. I've never realized how much I..."

She interrupts him. "Look around! Those flowers are amazing." She raises her hands for emphasis. "The whole park! It's beautiful. I'm so glad you brought me here today."

She nods to herself. She's away again. And this time the uncomfortable feeling on his throat spreads to his chest, his heart twisting painfully, his stomach tying to knots. He struggles to breathe.

"I haven't told you," he hears her say, as if from afar, but he doesn't need the words. "This is where I'm getting married. I haven't realized how beautiful it can be. Oh God!" She turns to him. "The most beautiful place on earth. I can see it."

This is not happening, he thinks, and despite the warmth of sunlight he is cold all over, shivering, trembling, unable to take his eyes off her necklace, where a ring nestled between her breasts, sparkling in the sunlight, like ice. So cold. So cold.

"Please give me your address again." She smiles apologetically. "I'm afraid I lost it. I'll send out an invitation. You'll come, won't you?"

He nods stiffly, unable to say anything.

"Well, I have to go. It was nice seeing you again." She walks away, graceful.

Untouchable.

He opens his mouth, but words fail him. Her name on his lips doesn't reach her ears. It is too late.

Too late.

2005-08-08T15:56:00.000-07:00

if you ask me how he looked like - if he had nice teeth or if his smile was crooked - I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't remember his eyes, I don't remember his hair, I don't remember anything physical about him at all. The only bit I do remember with great clarity is his shoes - they were plastic Birkenstocks, not the sandals but the closed shoes type that remind me oddly of Denmark. Remember those funny shoes people from Denmark supposedly wear to keep their feet dry from all that water? Those wooden ones that arch over the toes and make klip-kloppety sounds whenever they walk? Well, those were the type of shoes he wore, only they were bright green and made of plastic and had the logo Birkenstock etched on the sides.

This whole incident happened over three years ago and yet, I still think about him from time to time. I still wonder - what if I had talked to him when I got off that jeep? What if I had said something like, "Hi. You don't know me and I don't know you but I sense that we're both strangely drawn to each other. I sensed that from your smile. Would you maybe like to take fifteen minutes to see if we really are soul mates?" Would that have worked at all? Would he have smiled back, nodded his assent and, eyes gleaming with enthusiasm, taken my hand and dragged me to the nearest Starbucks (the one along Katipunan ave., right across from Ateneo) so we could have a cup of overpriced coffee? Would he be my boyfriend right now? Would I have lost my virginity to him? All these questions and God knows when I'll finally have them answered, if at all.

It's quite a story, actually. If only I could find a fitting ending to it. Maybe then I could turn it into a screenplay and sell it to one of those Flames type shows and get some other benefit from it, aside from the sporadic middle-of-the-night "what-if" musings that become more regular the older, and lonelier, I get.

But I digress. How does my story begin? Hmmm, where to start? Well, I could begin with why I was in that jeep in the first place. But that really is not relevant to the story at hand. Let's just say I was in that jeep, taking the Tandang Sora route, that fateful Saturday morning, on my way home from a friend's house where I had spent the night. My head was still pounding from lack of sleep and I was not in the best mood to scope out guys.

I did notice him five minutes into the ride, right after the jeep had crossed Commonwealth ave. He sat in the front, next to the driver. I can't recall now what it was that drew my eyes towards him. I was probably just looking around for some other person within my age range that could keep me occupied for the next fifteen minutes. Whatever the case, my eyes did spot him and I dare say we exchanged a glance in the rear-view mirror of that jeep, if only for a second or two. The rest of the trip passed by uneventfully, my eyes occasionally darting to that mirror to see if he was looking at me. Other times, I watched the back of his neck and thought casually of what his face might look like up close.

We reached the designated stop and I got down to walk to another jeepney stop, Balara-Katipunan, putting all thoughts of the stranger aside. I would never see him again, I thought to myself. I didn't even know what he looked like. And besides, the sensible voice deep within me said, who meets a guy in a jeep anyway?

I got in line for the Katipunan-bound jeep and who should be one person ahead of me but the same guy? I ducked my head and smiled discreetly as I climbed aboard, noting with some pleasure that he was now sitting right in front of me. I turned my head to the left as the jeep filled up, quietly counting the number of passengers on each side. When my eyes passed his figure, I noticed he had glanced at me too and I had to turn my head towards the window to hide my smile.

My head I kept turned towards the window as the jeep started, taking in the breeze that came from the near empty street as the jeep made its way down Katipunan. Occasionally, whenever the jeep stopped to let someone out, I would turn my head towards him and I would catch him turning towards me at the same time. It was then that I would turn back to the window and stifle a giggle.

The jeep was near empty when we reached the Prince David Condo. building and it was then that I turned to face him. I let my eyes take quick glimpses of him so I could come up with the whole picture of his face in my head. I saw him look at me too, but we continued to play eye-tag (trying hard not to let the other catch you peeking even though you are both aware that the other is looking). I don't really know who started laughing first but I do remember that pretty soon, we would both turn our heads to our windows to laugh as subtly as possible before turning to look at each other again. We kept at it for a few minutes - two, maybe even five minutes passed. At any rate, it was an exhilarating game, playing with this complete stranger. I was sharing a laugh, a completely innocent and meaningless laugh, with this person who I had never before seen in my life. And it felt magical. I guess you just had to be there to completely understand that moment.

All too soon, the jeep had reached the end of the route and we had to get off. I walked to Aurora blvd., all the while aware that he was walking, matching footstep with footstep, a few feet to my left. I crossed the street and found him on the other side, still looking at me with a hint of a smile on his lips. I heard a voice in my head, a persistent, nagging voice, telling me to smile back, to wave, to do something to acknowledge that we had shared a moment just a few minutes ago. The voice was telling me to do something to let this other person know that I had felt something too - maybe it was a particle of some passionate love we had lost in a past life or a hint of the connection that we had shared centuries before.

But what could I do? I felt rooted to the spot and I felt my cheeks burn red as I continued to duck my head and avoid his gaze. Quite easily, within a minute from standing there, I found a near-empty FX going my way, last ride to get home, and I flagged it down. As I sat down, I looked up at the window one last time and saw him still watching me. I wanted to wave, only chance to acknowledge his presence, but the FX had moved away too quickly and I couldn't even share one last smile with him.

I never saw that guy again. Or maybe I have seen him since, passed him in the hallways or as I walked along the streets but I just never noticed him. He could have been walking with a group of friends, or I could have been walking with my friends and we could have bumped into each other, but because we were in a rush, we just passed each other by. It wouldn't have mattered if I had seen him again, I would probably not have recognized him anyway. Though I still remember that incident, I have absolutely no recollection what he looks like. As I said earlier, I don't know what shape his face was or his eyes or his lips. I don't remember what style his hair was in or the exact color of his skin. The only other detail I do remember is he seemed to have a tattoo, I think it was a sun but I'm not exactly sure, and I think it was on his chest. But again, all this is a little blurry.

I don't know why it is that it was so hard for me to say something to him when I had the chance. Why didn't I say hello at least? Why didn't I ask him his name, or if he was even a student? But then, why didn't he say something? Why didn't he ask me for my name?

I can't rightly say that I regret not saying anything at that moment. I guess I kind of like the fact that the whole moment was preserved perfectly in my memory. There was no follow-up story. We never got our fifteen minutes to get to know each other and in that way, his memory was preserved in my head forever. He could have been the greatest love of my life. And I missed out on the chance to be with him because I was too afraid to say hello. But had I spoken to him, gotten to know him better, maybe even dated him, he could have turned out to be one more jerk that I chalk up to experience and the purity of my first experience with him would have been lost forever, marred by the events that happened next.

I read somewhere that the key to a happy ending is knowing when to stop telling the story. That's why Cinderella got to live happily ever after - because we never got the details of life in the castle after she married Prince Charming. In my case, the story never properly developed. It had a beginning, a great beginning at that, but that's all it ever had. And maybe that's all it will ever get. And I can't rightly say that I'm happy with that - I don't really have much a choice in the matter now, do I?

The only consolation I do get is - at least it isn't a bad ending. And at least I get to keep the magic in that memory intact

Life Defining Experiences

2005-07-31T21:13:00.000-07:00

Is it just me? Or do people dread riding the MRT? Not dreading it as if it were a possible terrorist site (although it does hold some form of attraction with the way those half-assed security guards check incoming baggage) but because of the gamble of who you're going to be seated/standing with. If ever you get through the mob-like stampede of screaming, sweat-smelling passengers there's bound to be somebody beside you who you'd like to throw overboard.

There was this one time that, after going through the same nightly rush of elbowing and eye-brow raising, I was unfortunate enough to have gotten squished standing in between two monstrosities: a fat college boy with body odor oozing like bad perfume on a club scene and a greasy blue-collared worker who probably thought that wearing a sleeveless body-hugger that exposed his underbelly was an appealing sight. Every time the tram would slow to a stop or start off for another location, their less than charming bodies would disgustingly and revoltingly bump into mine. Needless to say, after twenty minutes, this ruined any possible chance that I might look or smell good after the ride.

I don't think MRT people understand the phrases 'fall in line', 'limited seating capacity', 'effective transport management system', or my personal favorite, 'sir, that bleeping sound means you can't fit; step out of the doors you dumb f*ck'.

Wouldn't it be nice to fall in line instead of subtly kicking the living crap out of the guy who tried to put one over you? Wouldn't it be civilized of us not to push others discreetly to get inside the blasted tram? The no-eye contact scheme of shoving your body into the heart of a full cabin isn't a very smart move; not to mention extremely unhygienic. Organization and discipline, people! Can't we have a little bit of both for once? Geezus. I'm starting to get the feeling that flips really do enjoy provocation and violence.

Moments like this usually end up with these words flashing through my head: "Yes cheapskate, you should've taken that taxi earlier even though the driver looked like the kind to babble about politics the whole bloody trip." Argh! You just can't win.

***

I was in the bathroom the other day when an amazing thing happened. I woke up still feeling a bit groggy, dried-up foam was still in my mouth (charming, I know), and the smell of it was just so bad from last night's drinking binge that I decided to brush my teeth as quickly as possible and go back to bed. I lubed up my toothbrush and was about to annihilate the evil that is bad breath when all of a sudden I had this gut feeling that something was terribly wrong.

I looked at my toothbrush and it was lubed up in a weird way. After close examination I realized that it wasn't layered with toothpaste at all but with ooze from a bacterial foot ointment! I saved myself from desecrating my own mouth, people. In my book, this is tantamount to world peace, having people who say 'char'/'charring' drop dead, and the banishment of Sex Bomb girls from the world of music forever. I was so relieved that I hopped! You know, in that silly-why-did-I-do-it kind of way. Unfortunately, in my revelry, my right knee hit the bottom of the sink and my toothbrush flew to the air. It was headed straight for the unclosed toilet.

Everything happened in slow motion after that. I cried out while my left hand valiantly reached for the toothbrush and just barely managed to push it away from the horror that was the uncovered toilet bowl. The brush bounced on the wall and landed on the shower area - safe from harm's way.

It was the greatest bathroom moment in my life.

***

I think there's a hidden transition that occurs over Christmas that determines whether you're still a mild-mannered innocent teenager or if you're starting to cross the bridge into estranged twenty-something adulthood. Age is a good indicator of how close you are to becoming a corpse six feet under but it is not, by all accounts, a good judge of maturity. Christmas is.

Teenagers hope they get something really good from their parents and friends, thus looking forward to material wealth for the holiday season. Twenty-something's on the other hand, hope they get laid. Or at the very least get to make out with their significant other, thus aiming for emotional growth (read: sensual pleasure). More often than not, huge parties commemorate the latter. This naturally involves gratuitous portions of alcohol and other non-inhibitors. Go twenty-somethings! Adults, that third category of merrymakers, are simple minded fools. They have to give stuff on Christmas. If they don't, this means that they still think they're classified under the earlier categories mentioned and thereby should be removed from society for being stupid.

Personally, I find myself divided in the matter. I still want gifts; I'm a cheapskate, you see. I need gifts to survive. But coincidentally, I want parties and guys as well. With the pressure building up on all factions of my family, I'm now forced to buy stuff in order to keep face during the gift-giving process. Oh, the agony of choosing where to side. You can't stay in the middle because ultimately you know that the part you play in the giving or receiving of things determines your status. Receive and you're still a kid no matter how old you are. Start giving stuff regularly and you become a full-fledged responsible adult; woe is the bearer of this title for his wallet will suffer and will eventually die out. If you choose not to take gifts or give them, relishing the fact that you and your lover are enjoying the night making sweet love to each other Christmas after Christmas, good for you sinner, you're going straight to hell.

Taking all this into account, I've come to a conclusion that the yearly Christmas season is really a test to see how far you've come in your transition from an innocent child to a slobbering old person. All the other holidays out there are basically just excuses by the government to get you drunk.

Next Christmas, I hope somebody buys me a car and that another person gets me a set of toothbrushes. Just in case I grow old and my reflexes fail when saving it from that dung-infested toilet.

anong masama sa "bitch"

2005-06-08T19:39:00.000-07:00

I'd rather be a bitch. Gone were the days when the word bitch had only a bad connotation about the person. Iba-iba na ang kahulugan ngayon ng salitang yan. Para mas mapaliwanag ko, pabayaan nyo akong magpakita ng mga halimbawang gamit ng salitang bitch.

"That bitch stole my boyfriend!" - eto talagang masama ang dating kasi ibig sabihin nito isang kaagaw na walang pakundangang nanira ng buhay pag-ibig mo.

"Life's a bitch." - Challeging, difficult and doesn't always go your way.

"I had a bitchingly good time" - extremely fun, inexplicable happiness

"Why do you have to bitch about everything?" - to complain and whine about something

"Hey, bitch!" - a close friend, a buddy, someone you're most comfy with

"You are so bitchy" - opinionated, a fighter, an independent soul

Pag tinawag mo akong nyan baka matuwa pa ako, kasi para sa akin ibig sabihin nun, naapektuhan kita, nakakuha ako sa'yo ng kapirasong emosyon. I have conquered you for a time, ika nga. Baka dahil nairita ka sa kaprangkahan ko o baka naman natuwa ka kasi nasabi ko yung mga bagay na nais mong sabihin pero wala kang lakas ng loob sabihin ang mga ito.

The B-word has evolved a lot since its creation ( the original meaning I believe is a female dog). You can even call a man a bitch. It's not always bad anymore. It has become a substitute for words where feelings and emotions cannot be quantified or described. Some may say a bitch is a person who is callous, unfeeling, indiffirent and mean. Mean? Maybe. Unfeeling? NO. For being a bitch means caring about things enough to state an opinion and demand for change. Allowing things to happen without participation because of fear of confrontation is being nice. Experiencing life and having a thing or two to say is caring. I'll never dream of being a nice girl who rots while waiting for things to unfold. Bitching is participation.

Anong masama ngayon sa pagiging bitch?

2005-06-03T00:24:00.000-07:00

May mga kilala naman akong mga conio - mga dating naging kaklase, kaibigan, kaeskwela, at hindi ako masyadong inis sa kanila, minsan lang. Biruin nyo ba naman, noong dating mag-isa lang ako at naghihintay ng mga kabarkada sa isang bench sa UST ay nilapitan ako ng isang coniong kaklase at sinubukang gumawa ng isang usapan. Hindi pa naman ako masyadong inis pero biglang tinanong sa akin, "Taga where ba you?" Ha?! Maingay kasi sa lugar na tinatambayan namin kaya hindi ko narinig. Sabi nya, "Taga where are you ba?" Nakakahiya ata kung pauulitin ko nanaman kasi mahina talaga tainga ko eh. Kaya sabi ko, "Oo". Tanga! Nang hula ako ng tanong, kala ko sabi nya "Kanina pa ba you?" o di kaya "Nagdodorm ba you?" Yun pala "Taga where ba you?" Nahihiya ako sa sarili ko noon, sa totoo lang. Parang bumalik sa akin lahat ng panlalait na ginawa ko.

Pero naisip ko lang, bat ba may mga taong conio? Minsan may nakwento sa akin ang isang dating kaeskwela na ngayo'y nag-aaral sa isang sikat na kolehiyo sa may Taft Avenue. Mayroon siyang sobrang coniong kaklase na akala mo ay amboy dahil may accent daw. Ba, noong English subject daw nila e tinanong ni Mr. Conio itong kaklase ko dati kung ang salitang friends ba ay noun o verb? Grabe, sarap magmura! Para sa akin kasi, mas maganda sana kung pa Ingles Ingles ka dyan pero alam mo ang pasikutsikot ng English Grammar. Tipong kabisado mo na ang mga bahagi ng panalita ng Ingles o di kaya'y pagbaybay ng iba't ibang Ingles na salita. E hindi nga alam kung ang friends ba e noun o verb e! Inanakan naman ng lintik!

Palagay ko naman e ginagawa ito ng ibang tao para masabing "in" sila, o di naman kaya ay para makakuha mg maraming kaibigan. Kasi para sa iba ang conio ay isang taong may kaya o matalino o sikat. Pero para sa akin, maskara lamang ito ng mga tao upang hindi makita ang kanilang mga itinatagong mga kahinaan at kawalan sa buhay. Okay lang naman na mag Ingles ka paminsan minsan, pero ilagay naman sa lugar. Hindi ka naman pwedeng mag paka conio pag kausap mo ang isang tindero ng fishball hindi ba? Hindi naman sa minamaliit ko ang mga tindero ng fishball, pero minsan kasi ay ito ang nagiging sanhi ng hindi pagkakaunawaan. Hindi ba ang komunikasyon ay isang napakamabisang paraan ng pagbibigay ng mga saloobin at opinion upang mas maging maunlad pa ang ating bansa? Paano tayo uunlad niyan kung may mga taong nagpapaka conio para lang maging "in" at nagiging daan sa pagiging insecure (pasensya na, wala akong mahanap na salitang Tagalog para sa insecure) ng mga tao? Ang resulta niyan ay magiging conio rin ang iba para mas magkaintindihan din sila ng mga taong "in" kuno. Isipin nyo na lang na kakarampot lang kayo sa buong populasyon ng Pilipinas na totoong nakakaintindi mg Ingles. May mga mag-aaral na nakatapos ng kolehiyo pero hindi pa rin hasa sa paggamit ng Ingles. Mas gusto pa rin nilang magbasa ng Abante kaysa Inquirer. Mas gusto pa nilang magbasa ng Xerex kaysa FHM.

Pasensya na sa pakbatikos kong ito. Hindi naman ibig sabihin nito ay habambuhay kong kamumuhian ang mga conio. Tao pa rin ang trato ko sa kanila, huwag lang nila akong Iingles-inglesin nang hindi naman nila alam na dangling participle na pala ang isang parirala o di kaya ay ang friends pala ay isang noun, hindi verb.

life...

2005-05-28T14:24:00.000-07:00

"Life sucks!"

That's how many see it. And I must admit, I did agree at some point in time. But what I really want to say is that life fascinates me.

I used to view and live life in one way. I used to live by one philosophy. I always tell myself that it does not matter which road I take but how I take that road; that it is not important which decision I chose but how I live by that decision.

Life was too easy and carefree for me back then. There is no right or wrong, just as long as I can defend myself by the norms. I follow no one, for I am my own god. I have created personal guidelines to follow. And to me, these guidelines are just, for I never stepped on anybody nor did I bend my personal rules to my favor. Thus, I was not afraid of committing mistakes or having to sin, given that I can bear their consequences or overcome the guilt.

But that was back then. I might say that I've realized that life is not that simple, that life cannot be defined by only that.

So for almost a decade now, I have, and still am, trying to comprehend life's essence in this demented mind. All the who's, where's, what's, the why's and the how's, have always been lingering in this narrow-minded brain of mine. And for almost a decade now, I have challenged myself to find answers to these practically unanswerable questions. And for almost a decade now, unsuccessful still.

I tried convincing myself that death will already be upon me and I wouldn't still have a clue to these queries. That people would laugh at me, even stare at me strangely as if I am mentally disadvantaged; frankly speaking, I already am accustomed to that. I've opened myself to all of these, I even see the insane side of myself when I look at the mirror, and it gives me the creeps. But there's a part in my brain that just doesn't want to give up. A part in me that wouldn't take no for an answer that knows and believes that somehow the answer will fall before my feet; the demented me that is hoping that there is an answer.

And I guess I have a very good reason for believing that there is really an end to these mind-blowing questions. All I know is that everything could have started somewhere. And if it is so, then who created life? Who created the creator of life? And who created the creator of the one who created life? And so on. It may sound stupid, it really does sound stupid, and it really is foolish to imagine that there is a final answer to these unending series of questions. But there should be an answer; every question should have a corresponding reply, for the mysteries of life may lie behind the reason for its creation. Or then again, maybe not.

Or it could be that there isn't really a thing called life. That I do not really exist, nothing really exists, that everything is nothing more than an illusion. I live, I breathe, I feel, I think. But do I? Am I just made to believe that I do exist? Made to believe that I live, breathe, feel, and think. That what appears to be reality to me is nothing more than a mere concept; an illusion that keeps me believing that there is life, that there is death. An illusion that makes me think that there might really be a paradise called heaven and a fiery torment place named hell. That there is still something, a final judgment perhaps, that waits for my end of time here on earth.

And speaking of heaven and hell, what if this so-called-life is already the purgatory or hell that I once dreaded. That there is no such thing as heaven. And after my residence here, there awaits a 'better hell' or a 'worse hell', and nothing more. Or maybe heaven does exist, and that I am already living it right now. And after heaven is a 'better heaven' or worse heaven'. Maybe there isn't really salvation or punishment, the afterlife could only get better or worse. Could life be all these? A mere phase towards something better or something worse?

But what if there isn't really anything there? That life is nothing more than a product of my imagination. What if it is so? Then what is there to comprehend? And if everything is simply a product of my imagination, that life is just a part of this, how come I cannot comprehend something which is just a mere thought in the sea of imagination inside my mind?

Or could I be just another illusion? That the figure I see before the mirror is nothing different from the man living at night in my brain, the man who lives when my world has gone at a pause. What if I am really nothing more than the man in my dreams? Am I just a pigment of another being's dream? Or nightmare?

Perhaps life is nothing more than a game, a game I am bound to play my whole existence. The grandest game; for all and every game that exists, existed, or will exist, is nothing more than a puny simulation of a part of life itself. This game I joined upon birth, and death is the only way out of this mind-torture. Could life be just a game? Or could it be just another simulation of something more? That there is something even more grand than life itself. And that the game of totally comprehending life is just a test. A test that asks whether I am ready to solve a puzzle more incomprehensible that the concept of life. And if it is like that, then how am I to understand it if comprehending life already brings me to the edge of my sanity? How am I to understand something even more than that which is beyond my comprehension?

As I've been told once, the fish is last to fully understand the concept of water for it spent its entire existence submerged in it. Does it mean that being lifeless is the only way for me to unscramble the mysteries of life? Certainly, going outside the circle would really give me a different point of view, and the best point of view perhaps. But what glory is there in fully comprehending the incomprehensible, yet not being able to

Actually, there had been times that I was willing to escape life. But the unknown just frightens me so much. The thought that I do not know what lies beyond life scares me. And perhaps, just perhaps, if I knew what awaits me in the nether world, I just might take that turn. I guess I'm insane enough to ask for death's help in defining life. And I do hope that he could provide the answers.

Or perhaps, life is simply the whole experience I get from residing in this sphere. Life is everything I see and I do not see, for it is whatever I perceive interlaced with each

It is indeed a road of endless arguments, all of which can be admissible. For one can never really prove the validity or falsify each opinion. The thought is a real mental torture. And how dull-witted of me to search for answers to questions I know are near impossible to be interpreted.

And now, although I am still a bit obsessed on grasping the definition of life, I could say that my mind has gone a little back on cue. I have accepted that I could never ever fully understand its complexity. Because sometimes, I must face the truth that there might really be no reason at all, I just have to accept things as to what they appear to me. Sometimes, I need not search for meanings; sometimes, somehow, the meaning will come to me

bkit mhirap mgmahal?

2005-05-27T13:51:00.000-07:00

bkt b ang hrap mgmhl?
lhat ng bgay puro "sana"
"sna ako nlng sya n mhal nya ng sbra"
"sna mhlin nya rin ako-lhat puro "WISH"

bkt b tyo ngpa2ktnga pra s iba
ngpkmnhid, ngbu2lag-blgan, ngpa2kcra-
ulo

kht lam mo nmang d ikaw ang mhal
nya...kung d iba
ba't b ntin pnplit n mging ktlad o hgtan
ang mhal nya?
ngpa2kplastik, ngpa2k-iba ng
prsonlidad, ngpa2ka-O.A.

"kse mhal mo"-un daw ung sgot.
ung tpong nsa2ktan k n dhil my ksma
syang iba, o.k. lng
tpos ung d-mblang n beses mo syang
tniti2gan sa isang araw
kung nkpagsa2bi lng nga nra2mdman
mo sa isang tao ung pagtitig ng sbra
cgro ang tgal na nyang alam kung
gaano mo sya kmhal

tpos, bglang kailngan mo n syng pkwlan
mhrap at mskit pero kailangan mong
tanggapin n d k nya nhal
cgro, o.k n rin ung bngo k nya dba?
ung nlbas nya sa ktauhan mo lhat ng
mgnda sau,
at tnruan k nyang mgmhal ng iba n hgit
sa srli mo.

2005-05-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing that television taught me, it's that everyone has soul mates, those "half of your heart" myths, tales and everything. There's always this underlying concept of finding the love of your life in an unexpected event, and just by seeing that person, you'll know that she or he is indeed the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. That person, that beautiful, kind person, is the one destined to be your partner in this life, the one who'd be the so-called keeper of your heart that will bind you to life and love for the rest of your days. And what do I say to that? Holy shit, dude, don't crack me up!

Being the pessimist that I am, I have to be lying if I said that in my short, short life I didn't believe that someone out there is indeed meant for me. I admit that there was this unfortunate time or phase in my life where I dreamed (and I can't help but emphasize the past tense) that someday, my own prince will come. That handsome prince would sweep me off my feet, carry me on his horse and bring me to his castle. We would fall blissfully in love, and we would live happily ever after.

But that's the funny part... there is no happily ever after. The only way you'll get that sort of ending is when you take the "reality" out of the situation and replace it with a "fairy tale". Lives in the real, cruel, harsh world don't end happily. Is death a happy thing? Is divorce an event to celebrate? Is separation a joyful affair? Of course not. Princes and princesses in fairy tales get to live happily because they were in love. But do real people get to live happily because they were in love? Sure, there'd be that blissful time where you're sure that your partner is indeed your soul mate. But will that phase last?

We all dream of loving and being loved in return. We all wish to experience true love at some point in our lives. But to love is to risk being hurt, of enduring pain. Let's face it, love is something that fades. It's something sweet to think of, but quickly turns sour when it meets reality. Do two people, do two very sane, very realistic persons stay in love with the same person all throughout their lives? Please. Nowadays, it would be considered a miracle if married couples stay together for twenty years, and even more so for fifty years.

Princes, knights in shining armor... these are who every woman dreams of having in their lives. They want their very own protector and savior beside them in their beds. I mean, who wouldn't? But think about it. Life doesn't give you what you want. It doesn't deliver your dreams in a silver platter. It doesn't weave your every fantasy into coming true. Life is just...life. You live it, you go through it, and then it ends. And part of that life, a part whose size depends solely on you, is love. Do you offer your life and love to someone? To god? To yourself?

Someday, my prince will come... and so sang that annoying voice of Snow White. And her prince eventually did. So, if I keep on singing that song, will mine come, too?

Somehow, I seriously doubt it.

Of Care Bears, Biomen and Batibot

2005-05-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

I was watching the latter part of "The Care Bears Movie" when I got the urge to reminisce my childhood days. In case you're wondering what triggered me into watching that cartoon series-turned-movie, upon seeing its ad, I just thought I'd give it a glance. After all, Care Bears had been part of my "I-want-my-mommy" days.

Care Bears however, wasn't the only show that had me hauling myself in front of the TV when I was still at the stage of playing Dr. Quack-quack and enjoying frequent visits to Jollibee. Alongside it were the Bible-inspired Superbook and Flying House, and those Japanese shows that unmistakably revolve about the same theme as that of The Power Rangers.

There were also the tagalog-dubbed cartoons that introduced me to classic children's literature like Cedie and Princess Sara. The airing of such animated shows must have been a real hit than more 'tagalized' cartoons, most of which are Japan-made, started invading the local channels like the plague.

Of course, we must not forget the educational shows like Batibot, its foreign progenitor Sesame Street, (I like Batibot more) and 5 and Up. Speaking of Batibot, although it has already been "years" since it left our TV screens, I can still remember some of the said show's chants, like "Ako ang kapitbahay" and "Alin, alin, alin ang naiba". Moreover, no certified Batibot kid I presume, will forget its opening theme song (Pagmulat ng mata, langit nakatawa sa Batibot), not to mention its characters such as Pong Pagong, Kuya Bodji and Kiko Matsing.

So what's with these shows anyway? Well, aside from making my childhood TV-watching sessions worth anticipating, they taught me values that many music videos are short%2

ksp...

2005-05-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

"Sa akin kaya, may nagkakaganyan?" I was a snap away from breaking my friend's nose when he said this. after seeing my potential husband [I'm talking about my current ultimate crush, a.k.a. the next victim], no one could stop me from talking about him; how cute his smile is, how funny his jokes are, and all that gooey stuff. Imagine me "kilig" all over, with all the blushing and infatuated grin -- until my friend said this line: "Sa akin kaya, may nagkakaganyan?"

It's not that my friend isn't worth any girl's attention; it's just that I never thought of my friend longing for that kind of attention before. But come to think of it, his reaction was pretty normal. I mean, who hasn't wished for a little attention? I believe everyone has yearned for the attention of others atleast once in his or her life. Sometimes, we dress a little nicer hoping someone would notice and pay us a compliment. Other times, we become especially helpful and kind to people for them to like us. We try to be sweet, we dab on some perfume, and we make an effort to do some things we don't normally do. Heck, some people even resort to brute force just to get the attention they've been longing for.

It's normal for a person to wish for affection, concern and attention from other people. But sometimes, we desperately want it from a certain person, and we do everything to acquire it. When we fail, we blame ourselves and punish ourselves for being a big failure, believing that we don't deserve to be given the attention we long for. When this happens, we act like rebelling kids shutting our door to the world. We think that nobody loves us, that we are the most unlovable person in the world, that our life is empty, and that we are not worthy of anyone's attention.

Ever heard of the song Circles by Incubus? It says Everything moves in circles. I believe in that too. I believe that nature has its way to get back at us when we do something, and yes, I also believe that what goes around comes around. That there's enough love to pass around, and that when we give someone the attention, we essentially also attain that attention, although it may not necessarily be of the same level as what we offered or it may not be from the person we expect it from.

Think about it, when you like someone, you give your self to that person, and in the process, there is also a person who wishes to give us the attention but fails to do so since our eyes are already fixed on someone else. Someone likes you but you like someone else, and that someone you like likes another someone. Everything moves in circles. So if the person you like doesn't like you back, don't fret. Someone is meant to return the love you're giving away. Remember that what goes around comes around. When your turn comes, everything will be perfect and you wouldn't have to be KSP in order to be loved after all.

2005-05-03T14:33:00.000-07:00

"Alam mo maganda ka sana, MATABA ka lang."

It cannot be denied, that most of us prefer people who are of the "normal size." Normal means ranging from the average-looking to skinny people.

Blame it on the media which patronizes the "anorexic" look of models, and chooses their stars who are as thin as bamboo poles. Now, it looks like as if every person on earth condemns people who are "fat".

I'm just kidding, not all people anyway, there must be a few out there who really appreciate us. Anyway, I wrote to rant, and to give reasons why fat people should be preferred.

I'll try not to be subjective. You who think fat persons are disgusting, read this: (Hehehehe!!!Just kidding)

1. Fat people are well insulated, they make great pillows. And great pillows are often the witnesses to problems (tears, angst, etc.) For short, fat people make great shock absorber, they are huggable and will definitely give you a soft (and squishy) spot to cry on.

2. Fat people are great company when dining, why? Aside from knowing the right place for great food, fat people don't act "prim and proper" and will not make you ashamed of the slobs of sauce you put into your meal. Rather, they will make you so proud, you only eat a quarter size of the meal they eat.

3. Fat people are great friends because they think about other people first before themselves. (Well, aside from food that is) They don't possess the "look-at-me" aura of those who think highly of themselves. Rather, they wear this "hug-me" smiles on their faces.

4. Lastly, fat people make great lovers. Great lovers because they do not consider beauty as an essential factor in loving. Instead, they focus more on the person himself/herself.

I'm not saying that all fat people are like this, but generally, they are. So, with the aforementioned reasons, think first: Is it really worth the fight to stay thin?

If you are built on the heavy side, don't starve yourself. Glorify your fatness. Show those flabs, wear them proud. For fatness depicts wealth and happiness (look at the Chinese Buddha).

And if in case, people tell you things such as "Sayang, mataba ka lang", tell them:

"Swerte nga eh, kasi hindi tulad mo."

Hehehehehehe!!!!

###############
This article is not written to ridicule, but rather to make those who read this SMILE.

musings of a dreaming lover

2005-05-02T14:14:00.000-07:00

If in this life I should not find love then I am not disgruntled or discontentedly bitter because I know a part of me in another realm or my past incarnation had/has the chance to give someone all the love that he/she could muster. The universe is all about balance, if the loneliness and despair that I feel right now would make another self happy and in bliss then I would bear this load.

I am not a martyr for goodness sake, I also want to be happy and oriented in the garden that was made by Aphrodite for people who thirst for her gifts of amorous conquests and love connections. But to give a part of me the opportunity to fall in love and to be happy even if I am not consciously aware of it then I would say that I have not lived in vain.

If people suffer it may be for reasons that we cannot see for time is sometimes a foe more than a friend for it makes us blind to the interconnectivity of our lives to the lives of others and to the past and future. A person who cannot find what she is looking for in this life might be saving the karma of someone who is doing well and having a life that is full of panache and zest that seems so incomparable. Mediocrity is bane. If I get to pick the smallest straw in the lot of time then I am not worried because a part of me won and though I might not be aware of his/her happiness on this lifetime then I know that I labor to give him/her the life that I could only write and dream about.

I think it is better to dream of love because in dreams love seems grander and more in cognizance of the literary passions that it evokes. Alas, but who could write about love but people who are blindfolded by fate and are beholden a box wherein you can only conceive the insides without the benefit of sight. It is such masterful interplay of dreams, hope and faith.

I was not meant to experience love but I am importantly forever beholden by the lure of it, by the venom and the honey that sprouts from its treacherous lips.

boylet...

2005-04-25T14:53:00.000-07:00

Vocabulary:
boy - n. a male child from birth to puberty
-let - n suffix small one
"Ano ba ibig sabihin ng boylet?"

Tanong yan sa akin ng isang boylet. Pero ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin ng 'boylet'? Ewan ko ba, pero napulot ko yan sa mga bading kong kaibigan. "Ate, yummy ang boylet mo." "Bakla, saan ba may boylet dito?" Pero kung talagang pag-iisipan, mahirap ma-define ang boylet. Ito ba'y dahil sa age? Sa maturity? Sa height? Sa looks?

Ang boylet, kailangang bata, or at least, ka-age mo. Kasi pag mas matanda ng ilang taon, hindi na boylet yon, tander-cat na. As in tanders. Tanders from matanda -- matanders -- tanders -- tander-cat (origin - thundercat). Grabe ang evolution ng mga salita, di ba?

Dapat din daw, ang boylet, hindi mo boyfriend, pero hindi lang din friend. So, ibig sabihin, napakalalim ng kahulugan ng "-let" sa suffix sa boylet. Biro mo, ang "-let" ang nag-define ng isang relasyon na mas malalim, at malamang mas intimate sa friendship, pero less committed at non-exclusive kung ikukumpara sa boyfriend. Tsk, tatlong letra lang yan, pero it makes a world of difference. Kaya ang isang boy, para maging boylet, kailangang maging isang tao na kayang tumawid sa pagitan ng pagiging isang boyfriend o lover at isang kaibigan.

So pwede din ba gamitin ang "-let" sa mga tander-cats? Hmmm. parang masagwa -- tander-lets? Tander-cat-lets? Kasi naman pag tander-cats, mas malamang na naghahanap ng isang relasyon na hindi passing fancy lang. Pero hindi yan generalization, okay? Madami pa din namang mga tander-cats na isip-boylet. So, anong tawag natin sa kanila? Closet-boylets? Ay, ambot!

Ano pa ang distinguishing factor ng isang boylet? Sabi ng isang kaibigan na nagkaroon na ng relasyon mula sa both ends of the continuum -- from the youngest of boylets to super tander-cats, ang boylet, fling lang daw. Kapag naging seryoso ang relasyon o "arrangement" sa isang boylet, pwede nang tanggalin ang suffix na "-let" at palitan ng salitang "friend". But it is not necessarily true na promotion sa boylet ang pagiging boyfriend. Isipin mo yon, pag may boyfriend ka na, bawal na ang mga boylets. Eh kung puro boylets lang, walang hassles, walang guilt involved, kasi nga, ang "-let" ang sasalba sa iyo. Ang "-let" ang nagsasabi na hindi naman kayo exclusive sa isa't-isa. Ang galing talaga ng "-let"! Pwede din kaya itong gamitin sa ibang salita? Halimbawa, kung itatanong sa iyo ng jowa mo, "Do you love me?" Ang problema, hindi ka sigurado kung anong isasagot. Isipin mo, pag sinabi mong 'yes', sangkatutak na exclusivity na yan. Pag naman 'no', aba, eh, baka mag-isip ang jowa mo at iwan ka. So, pwede bang "yes-let" ang isagot? Ang "-let" na lang uli ang bahala to fill in the gaps. Ibig sabihin pag 'yes-let', oo, love kita ngayon, pero may possibility na bawiin ko in the future. O kaya naman, oo, love naman kita, pero pwede pa ba akong humirit ng one last boylet?

Boylet -- boy na maliit o cute? Di ba't ang ibig sabihin ng suffix na "-let" at cute o naman kaya'y maliit? Parang islet, maliit na island; booklet, maigsi o manipis na compilation ng materials. Hindi naman kasi magandang pakinggan kung tatawagin silang mini-boys. Mas maganda at endearing nga ang tunog ng boylet, parang honeylet.

Pero pano naman pala ang tawag sa girl version ng mga boylet? Girlet? Parang hindi akma. Mas maganda siguro kung girlash. Pero hindi nito ganap na mailalarawan kung ano ang essence ng pagiging quasi-gf, semi-friend. So, in short, sa mga boys lang pwedeng magkaroon ng suffix na "-let", ganon ba yon? Baka naman kasi ibang suffix ang angkop sa mga girls.

Kung ikaw ang mamimili, ano ang mas gusto mo, isang boylet na nagpapaka-tanders, o isang tander-cat na nagpapaka-boylet? Magulong isipin, pero ang isang boylet na nagpapaka-tandercat ay yung tipong pa-mature effect. Ang dami kunwaring angst sa buhay, pinapalaki ang pinakamaliit na issue - para nga naman makasabay sya sa lahat ng angst ng nakakatandang babae. Insecurity siguro ng mga boylet, o maaari rin namang mature na talaga, pero hindi natin malalaman, unless, gusto mong makilala ng masinsinan ang boylet mo. Ang mga tandercats naman na nagpapaka-boylet ay yung mga feeling groovy at w-a-a-a-y-y C-O-O-L, na kadalasan ay hindi naman talaga, nagpupumilit lang. Maaari din naman na sila yung mga tandercats na may mental age ng isang 15-yr old. Ito ang isang proof na may mga taong walang pinagkatandaan, at ang emotional at mental age ng tao ay iba-iba sa biological age.

Ang isa pang tanong, gaano ka-boylet ang kaya mo, kung baga sa low-waist pants, how low can you go? Basta siguraduhin na above 18 ang boylet, kundi, sa kalaboso ang bagsak mo, statutory rape yon, kung di mo alam. 3 years? 4, 5, 6? Depende naman talaga sa iyo yan. Pero isipin mo lang na kung 9 years ang gap nyo, aba ineng, nung pinanganak sya ay may monthly period ka na! Hindi ba kapangi-pangilabot yon? Pero kung kaya mo, o 'carry' mo, ika nga ng aking mga baklakekok na kaibigan, eh di sige, magpakadalubhasa sa pangangarir ng mga boylet. I-career! At bakit hindi? Ilan pa lamang ang may MA at PhD degree sa Boylet Affairs Management.

Pero bakit nga ba natin kailangan ng mga boylet? Sabi ng isang kaibigan, gusto nyang ma-re-affirm na sya ay may asim pa. Suggestion ko lang, pwede naman litmus test na lang for acidity ang gamitin, di ba? Yung iba naman, pantawid-gutom daw. Ano ang akala nila sa mga boylet, mini-cup na pansit canton? Yung iba naman, just so they'll feel alive again daw, to feel young, fresh and to get their groove back. Aside from botox treatment, napakadami pang mga services ni Dra. Vicky ang pwede para magmukha at maging feeling young.

Pasalamat tayo at nandyan sila - para magbigay ng kasiyahan, company, aliw, o kung ano pa man. Sa dami ng mga benefits na dinadala ng mga boylets na ito sa ating buhay, gusto ko lang magbigay ng pugay sa kanila. Mabuhay ang mga boylet, dakila kayo! Go forth and multiply!

takot ako sa dilim no0n...

2005-04-18T14:53:00.000-07:00

Brownout dito. Ang dilim. Lahat ng bagay parang anino na lang. Naaalala ko pa noong bata pa ako takot ako sa dilim, pakiramdam ko may magpapakita sa akin. Kapag ganito kadilim, tatakbo ako palabas ng bakuran namin kung saan nagpapahangin, nagkukuwentuhan at naghihintay ng pagbabalik ng kuryente ang buong pamilya. Pero ako lang ang nandito sa bahay ngayon, wala rin akong dadatnan kung tumakbo man ako palabas. At isa pa, hindi na ako bata; sa dilim hindi na rin ako takot diyan. Tingin ko, sanayan lang 'yan.

Nandito lang ako sa sala, nakaupo at nagtitiyagang magsulat sa gitna ng kadiliman at sa aking tabi ay isang maliit na kandila. Ngayon ko inaalala kung gaano ako kabilis tumakbo palabas noon tuwing brownout; kung gaano ako kainis kung ako ang uutusang kumuha ng tubig o kung ano pa man sa loob ng napakadilim na bahay. Ngayon, tinatawanan ko na lang - dahil siguro hindi na ako takot doon.

Ngayon iniisip ko, ano na ba ang bago kong kinatatakutan ngayong tumanda na ako? Tingin ko, takot pa rin ako sa dilim, pero ibang klaseng dilim na. Takot akong dumilim ang alaala ko sa pagtanda ko. Takot akong makalimutan ang lahat ng mahahalagang pangyayari sa pagkatao ko. Takot akong hindi na makilala pa ang mga taong naging malaking bahagi ng buhay ko. Takot akong makalimutan ang nakaraan ko.

Sa palagay ko, sobrang naimpluwensiyahan ako ng "The Notebook" na isinulat ni Nicholas Sparks at ang bagong tema ng palabas na Meteor Garden. Sa una, nagkaroon ng Alzheimer's si Allie, ang babaeng tauhan at sa huli naman, nagkaroon ng amnesia si Dao. Sa dalawang kuwentong ito, naipakita ang hirap na pagdadaanan ng isang tao at ang mga taong nakapaligid sa kanila sa pagpupursigeng maibalik ang nakaraan at ang dating alaala. Mahirap. At mahirap ding maipaliwanag pinagdadaanang iyon.

Kung kaya't ngayon pa lang, paulit-ulit ko nang inaalala ang mga pangyayaring naging malaking bahagi ng kung ano ako ngayon. Kung sino 'yung mga naging kaibigan ko nung elementary, nung high school. 'Yung mga kalokohang nagawa ko. 'Yung unang punta ko sa Enchanted Kingdom. Ang first crush ko nung kinder. Ang unang minahal ko. At kung anu-ano pa. Isinusulat ko lahat iyon kung maaari upang may babalikan ako kung sakali sa darating na panahon. Nag-iipon rin ako ng kung anong mga bagay na makapagpapaalala sa aking minsan nangyari sa akin ang mga bagay na iyon. Ayaw ko kasing pagtanda ko, tatanungin ko ang sarili ko at pagdududahan ko ang sarili ko kung nangyari ba talaga iyon sa akin noon.

Oo, nakakatakot. Nakakatakot isiping baka isang araw, hindi ko na alam ang pangalan ko, ang pangalan ng magulang ko, ang araw ng kapanganakan ko, ang daan upang makauwi ako, ang buong pagkatao ko. Pero wala naman akong magagawa kung iyon ang ipahihintulot ng pagkakataon. Kung kaya't habang matino pa ang pag-iisip ko, habang may kabataan pa ang edad ko, isinusulat ko ito. Dahil baka isang araw makalimutan kong ako nga ang nagsulat nito at makalimutan ko pati ang kinatatakutan ko.

takipsilim

2005-04-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

Alas-sais na ng hapon. Oras na para umuwi mula sa eskwela. Habang nagiging kulay kahel ang kaninang bughaw na langit, maraming bagay ang nagaganap sa aking paligid. Unti-unting nauubos ang mga tao sa kalsada. Ang lahat ay nagmamadaling umuwi bago kumagat ang dilim. Ang ilaw sa mga tindahan ay dahan-dahang namamatay. Ang mga manlalako ng sari-saring paninda ay bumabalik na sa kani-kanilang tirahan. Tumatahimik na ang kapaligiran, ibang-iba sa nangyaring ingay kaninang umaga. Tulad ng paghihiwatig ng pag-alis ng Haring Araw sa alapaap, namamaalam na ang lahat ng tao sa araw na ito.

Sa aking paglalakad, napatingin ako sa langit at napaisip. Matatapos na nga ang araw na ito. Isang araw na naman ang mababawas sa aking buhay. Isang araw na naman ang dumaan. Dumaan? Oo, dumaan nga lang ang araw na ito na tila isang kotseng umaarangkada sa kalsada. Bakit ba napakabilis matapos ng araw na ito? Bakit ba kay bilis ng oras? Pakiramdam ko tuloy madami akong hindi nagawa. Kailangan ko pa naman ipasa ang proyekto sa pisika sa isang linggo. Kailangan ko pa mag-aaral para sa pagsusulit sa matematika bukas. Iyon pa palang mga lathalain ay kailangang ko pang basahin.

Patuloy akong naglakad habang iniisip ang mga bagay na dapat tapusin para sa eskwela. Biglang pumalibot sa akin ang malamig na hangin at tila isang kidlat ang tumama sa akin nang naalala ko ang mas importanteng mga bagay na dapat ginawa ko ngayon. Hindi ako nakapagpasalamat sa Diyos para sa araw na ito. Nakaligtaan kong hagkan ang aking ina na nagluto ng aking agahan. Nalimutan kong kamustahin ang aking kaibigan. Nawala sa aking isip na pasalamatan ang kaklaseng tumulong sa akin. Bakit ba hindi ko nagawa ang mga munting bagay na ito?

Masyado kasi akong abala sa paggawa ng maraming proyekto. Masyado akong abala sa paghahanda para sa hinaharap kaya't nalimutan ko na magpasalamat sa mga taong patuloy na tumutulong sa akin. Masyado akong nagmamadaling makarating sa hinaharap kaya't hindi ko lubos na natamasa ang pamamalagi ng aking mga kaibigan.

Ngayo'y kulay itim na ang ulap sa itaas. Isang bituin ang kumukutitap sa kalawakan, simbolo ng pag-asa at pagpapatuloy ng buhay. Bukas ay sisikat muli ang araw. Babalik muli ang Haring Araw sa alapaap. May oras pa para magbago. May oras pa para magpasalamat at magsaya. May oras pa bago ang isa na namang takipsilim bukas.

What they didn't teach you in college

2005-04-11T14:18:00.000-07:00

In every college drinking group, there's always a certain person who always gets laughed at no matter what he/she does. The next time you find yourself drinking with your buddies, you better make sure you spot this person.

--

Filipino college students get maximum value for their money. Proof of this can be seen when they congregate in your local Wendy's Salad Bar. They're seen constructing layers upon layers of salad toppings to form a mountainous salad masterpiece that's over five inches high. FIVE INCHES! Have we no shame? Well... probably not. Dig in.

--

Procrastination is a science learned in college. In high school, you're given a week or two to finish a project. You spend your free time molding and scrutinizing it to perfection. In college, you spend your free time partying. Then a few hours before the deadline, you work your butt off like there's no tomorrow. Procrastination, my friends, teaches us the value of pressure and determination.

--

The pretty-girl-ugly-guy-with-nice car combo is swiftly becoming the modicum of this day and age. Can’t they see what they're doing to our society?! If this continues, the next generation of Filipinos will look like half-bred monkeys on steroids. They'll be rich but they'll still be monkeys! For the good of the country this trend must stop. Well, either that or I get a nice car.

--

No matter what country you're in, the official college meal is instant noodles. Both cheapskates and trigger-happy spenders indulge this treat since it's the cheapest to buy and the easiest to make. Whether they're studying, procrastinating, getting drunk, getting sober, ranting or bitching, college students will always grab a bowl of insta-noodles and slurp away. Unless they-re at Wendy’s piling their salads.

--

You guys notice the sudden splurge of med students in your local Starbucks? Do they actually study those thick-ass books or do they congregate for freebies on the condiments section? F*cking copycats.

--

Speaking of Starbucks, the one in Glorietta 4 is probably the most popular. Everybody wants to stay by the outdoor patio and chill. Now and then, a group of people enter the glass doors and there's always this "hey, she's pretty cute. Wonder if she's still single?" thought that flashes through my head. This hope is sourly dashed when a pathetic excuse of a human face appears right beside her and pecks her on the cheek. Damn monkeys! Should've just stayed home slurping noodles, damn it.

--

It took me awhile to figure out but... apparently, there are people in this world who really, really like math and that their inclination to study the subject has nothing whatsoever to do with kissing ass and being put in the dean's list. I will never understand these people. They love numbers more than words. They probably don't even procrastinate. What's up with that?!

--

Ever been depressed and sad beyond reckoning? Hurt because your significant other left you and you can't bear to live without him/her? I've formulated a theory to explain this unbearable state of depression and melancholy. You're not frustrated because you're alone. That's hardly the case. Usually, you're just miserable because other people have it better than you... and this thought just kills you (rephrasing of Jack's line in As Good As It Gets.) So the next time you're feeling alone, just look for somebody more miserable and this will make you feel much better.

--

The college mantra chanted the morning after a drinking-binge (when you're hung over and your parents are evicting you from the premises) is: "I swear I won't drink ever again!" Ever again means till next Thursday.

--

College is a blur to me. I hardly go to school and when I do happen to visit, I fell asleep listening. It's a good thing there are instant noodles, Starbucks, and retarded friends to remind me of it. Not to mention the mornings spent complaining of drinking too much or the nights spent procrastinating because of having more important matters to see to. Like drinking too much. God bless the parents who send us to this institution for higher learning.

an idiot's guide to love

2005-04-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

(written by an idiot for my fellow idiots)

Only you can say what love really is for you, but then maybe I can help you define it by telling you what I believe it is not.

Despite what most people think, love isn't selfless. You don't love for the sake of other people. All emotions are selfish, self-centered. No one can force you to feel anything other than what you really feel. Emotions never lie, people just misinterpret or disregard them.

Love can't be "learned". You can't "learn to love" someone you don't love. You just delude yourself into liking them.

Love isn't alms. You don't love someone because you feel sorry for them. That's not love. That's just pity.

Love isn't need. It's not love when you expect the other person to fill a gap in your life. If that need disappears or is filled by something or someone else, then the supposed "love" disappears too. If you love someone because you want security or happiness or contentment from him or her, you're not going to get those things if they're not within you in the first place.

Love isn't "completion". You're already complete as you are, you just need to discover and acknowledge it. It's not love if you think you need someone to feel complete. If that feeling doesn't come from you, you're not going to get it anywhere else.

Love isn't just a "feeling". It is both felt and known. Your emotion and reason must be in sync. "Love" without reason is just lust or shallow attraction. "Love" without emotion is simply justification and rationalization.

Love isn't just in the present. You have to love who that person was and who that person will be.

Love isn't supposed to drive you crazy. It's not supposed to wreak havoc on your life. It's supposed to inspire you into being the best possible version of yourself.

2005-04-06T13:42:00.000-07:00

Alam mo, may kakilala akong Ragna Cum Laude. Hinahangaan ko sya, sobra. Biruin mong pagod at hirap yun. Ilang gabi rin sigurong mugto ang mata nya sa pagpapalakas. Walang sinabi sa kanya ang determinasyon ni Eugene, o kahit ni Gokou. Tinalo nya ang mga halimaw na nagkalat sa mundo, at isa lamang syang tao. Isang ordinaryong tao! Siya ang perpektong ehemplo ng kabutihan laban sa kasamaan, ng katarungan laban sa hindi pagkakapantay-pantay. Dahil sa kanya, nalaman kong may mga tao pa palang ganun. Mga taong handang ihinto ang pagaaral at makipaglaban. Handang itaya ang kinabukasan sa ngalan ng tama at nararapat. Halos maiyak ako nang maisip ko yun.

Oo, maraming mga Ragna Cum Laude, at lalong mas marami pang iba na naghahangad na makamit ang pedestal ng dangal na ito. Biruin mo nung huli kong log-in, may mahigit 20,000 libong tao ang nandun para hasain ang kanilang mga kakayahan at lipulin ang kasamaan! At isipin mo, ang iba doon ay hindi na kumakain para lang manatili at makipaglaban. Para sa kapayapaan ng Midgard. Para sa katahimikan ng Midgard. Para sa lahat ng bayan ng Midgard. Kawawang Pilipinas.

Pero ako? Ako ay isang mababang nilalang. Level 40, mahina, walang gamit, walang pera, at sabog ang stats. At simula pa yun nung Beta Test. Hindi kasi ako desidido, kulang ang determinasyon ko. Isa akong duwag! Hindi ko madalas na nilabanan ang mga ipis at zombie na nagsanhi ng aking mabagal na paglakas. Isa akong lapastangan sa mga mamamayan ng Midgard. Hindi ko kayang umabsent para makipaglaban. Mas gusto ko sa ibang lugar. Hindi ko na kayang maupo sa harap ng monitor habang mas may nangangailangan sa akin sa labas ng bahay ko, kung saan ang mga namamatay ay hindi na nagrerespawn ulit, at kung saan walang red potion na mura, at kung saan bihira ang mga acolyte at priest na kapag nanggamot e hindi naniningil. Mas kailangan ako kung saan mga tao rin ang kalaban, hindi lang mga zombie at ipis. At doon, kung saan mas maraming naghihirap; dahil higit na makapangyarihan ang mga game masters dito at higit na kayang-kaya nilang durugin ang mga mahihina.

Kaya sa mga Ragna Cum Laude, sa mga tao sa Level-up Games at ng iba pang MMORPG, tanggapin nyo ang saludo ko. Ang negosyo nyo ay napaka-epektibo at malamang lang e tinatabo nyo na ang mga pinangbili ng mga gamecard ng mga tao. Napaka-epektibo nyo rin para sirain ang utak ng mga dating matitinong tao. Saludo ako sa inyo, dahil epektibo ang inyong pamamaraan para pabilisin ang tiyak at sama-sama nating pagbagsak.

###### A/N: Pasintabi sa mga adik, pero sana ay matauhan kayo na ang paglalaro ng buong araw ay isang napakamakasariling gawain, at wala rin naman kayong napapala.

2005-03-22T16:57:00.000-08:00

A lot of us have undergone, and lots will still undergo, the agony in deciding whether or not to declare our undying affection to someone. But most of us just endure the torture of being silent and suppressing the truth. Why the choice?

Telling the truth is not as virtuous as most religions would have wanted us to believe, if by virtuous we mean to say it is naturally and inherently good that is. Truth hurts. Reality bites. Haven't we heard enough? I guess we haven't, and we seem to have this addiction of dwelling in pain. How have we become so masochistic? Perhaps it is when religion implicitly taught us to equate virtue with pain and vice with pleasure.

We are human beings, and perhaps emotional pain, besides logic, is something that separates us from the rest of the kingdom animalia. Like what Agent Smith said in The Matrix, human beings couldn't handle sweet perfection (which was the original model of the Matrix world that later on failed) because we define our reality through suffering and misery, and anything less than that, anything remotely close to perfection, our sanity cannot manage. So inspite of our complaints, we feel that pain is a natural condition of life. But the tricky part that I recently learned is that no matter how much we, perhaps unwittingly, embrace suffering we'd rather choose to hurt ourselves than let others hurt us, even if the former is frequently more intoxicating and debilitating than the latter.

When we love, romantically speaking, we rarely choose to declare our love because we know doing so would make us vulnerable. It is wrong to open ourselves out to someone who could take our emotions away, just to wrestle with them only to later on throw them away. We'd rather choose to suffer in silence. Most of the time, this option is extremely melancholy, worse than the fear of rejection or deliberate deception, and it seems only natural that a person would prefer this option. Why? because it's personal, because self-inflicted pain is more acceptable than one that is externally inflicted. Why? because that's how we embrace life. Besides, misery should not seek company; misery should be taken care of without it.

I find the act of confessing our undying love similar to suicide, and I know a lot of people will agree with me on this. This is not because our honesty would necessarily cost us our dear lives, but more because of the idea of the act being irreversible. In suicide, if we succeed, we can't say, "whoops, I didn't mean to cut my wrist and loose a huge amount of blood", or cry "I'm sorry, I didn't know jumping off the 40th floor would crash my skull and make my brain splatter on the ground," or wail "Whoa, so walking in front of a very fast-moving vehicle would be fatal, I have to tell the others, I have to live." We can't shout apologies, and say sorry can we come back to life now? When we kill ourselves, we die. Confessing our love would be quite similar, although not as gory as it sounds.

Confession obviously uses words, and when words fly we cannot catch 'em. Once we say, "I love you," we really can't take it back by saying, "just kidding" or "gotcha, didn't I?" Well, we could say some can get away with it, and I have to agree only if the object of desire has an IQ of 60. The thing is, once we utter words of devotion, we just have to face the consequences, and most of the time, I have to say we are terrified of the consequences. Although the chances could go either way, I mean it could either cause our heart to jump for joy or for it to flounder in pain, we only rivet our attention on the latter possibility. The only way that we think we could avoid exacerbating the agony would be by convincing ourselves that our hearts will never jump for joy, otherwise we might get our hopes up and by doing so would only worsen our condition in case floundering in pain is the possibility that ensues. Defense mechanism my friends, that's what it is.

And in my case, there is that awful stage where I almost hope for the plausibility of him knowing how I feel about him, that maybe I don't have to confess and that I only have to affirm whatever assumption he has of me. That's when I hate him the most. I have the audacity to hope that he might discover it for himself. But whenever I think I am giving him the liberty to assume, it seems his density level goes beyond any scientific formula could ever compute.

I have to ask, why then should I let him in? Why should I share this suffering, this burden? Why should I utter the words "I love you", when this would mean I will end up joining those herds of romantic crooks who have misused and abused the phrase, they've trivialized it so much it no longer bears the meaning of pure and genuine affection. I'm too good for that, I won't give in. Between suffering in silence and losing my life in honesty, I would choose the safer one, I would rather keep my mouth sealed.

But what difference does it make, I still suffer, I still writhe in despair. In the end, I want something to hold on to. I want to be proven wrong, tell me to choose the other option.

ang huling araw

2005-03-18T18:31:00.000-08:00

Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko, 10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung ano pa man.

Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita. Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin. Wala ng iba.

Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.

Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako. Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan ka na.

Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako. Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring kwenta.

Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad mo.

Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang nagbago.

Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na. Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita. Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang sigurado ako.

Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.

2005-02-11T14:56:00.000-08:00

Minsan isang gabi ako'y muling napahikbi at muling dumaloy sa aking mga mata ang luhang nagpapahayag ng panghihinayang at pagsisisi, mga sakit at hapdi na pilit kong ikinikimi sa likuran ng aking dibdib at kinukubli sa bawat ngiti at halakhak na aking ginagawa. Akala ko'y tapos na ang lahat. Animo'y wala ng hapding nadarama, ngunit ako'y nagkamali. Ang sugat ay di pala gayong kadaling gumaling at kung maghilom man, isang alaala pa rin ang mananatiling nakaukit sa aking damdamin.

Nais ko sanang magbangon sa pagkarapa mula sa isang bigong pag-ibig ngunit ito'y hindi gayong kadali. Itinuon ko ang isip sa ibang tao ngunit walang makasagip sa akin sa pagkalunod ko. Hindi ko na mawari ang dapt gawin upang siya'y limutin at upang ang mga damdaming nadarama ay tuluyang mawal na sa aking dibdib.

Hanggang ngayon, batid kong pangalan pa rin nya ang sigaw ng aking puso at siya pa rin ang aking hinahanap. Gusto ko nang muling lumakad ngunit ang nakaraan ay patuloy sa pagpigil saakin. Itong nakaraan na muling nagbabalik sa aking alaala, ang kanyang malalambing at mapanuyong tinig, ang bawat salita at simpleng pagsabi at pagpapadama na ako'y kanyang mahal na nakapagpapa-payapa sa aking damdamin at nakakapagtikom sa aking mga labi.

Di ko alam kung bakit ganon sya kamakapangyarihan at magpasa hanggang ngayon kahit ako'y kanya nang pinalaya ay tuloy pa rin ako sa pananatili at pagbibigay ng sarili ko bilang kanyang bihag. Mahapdi man ang aking nadarama ngunit batid kong siya'y iniirog pa. Batid ko mang wala siyang damdamin at di ako mahalaga sa kanya, patuloy ako'y naririto at nagmamahal pa. Ang bawat patak ng luha, hikbi at panaghoy ay makapagsasabi ng aking tunay na nadarama, mahal kita, mahal kita...

Marahil ako nga'y makata na siguro at alam kong binusang mais na ang lahat ng mga tinuturan dito, ngunit ako'y walang magawa, nananatili pa rin dito sa puso ko ang kanyang larawan, tinig at yakap, ang bawat alaala ay patuloy na nakaipon sa aking damdamin at walang tigil na nagpapaluha sa aking mga mata. Dito sa puso ko'y tanging sya lamang at ang lahat sa kanya pa rin iaalay. Dalangin ko lamang ay mahalin nya ako, at kung di man, bagong pag-ibig nawa ang magbago sa lahat ng nadarama kong ito sa puso ko.

love is an inertia

2005-02-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

So here you are riding a jeepney, the jeepney has its constant speed, actually, it's trying to maintain constant speed (because in reality you can’t just have an exact velocity all throughout the journey, there are forces that influence your travel thus making you accelerate or decelerate sometimes) then out of nowhere (along came spider), the external force begins to interrupt the trip. The external force slows down (read: red light kaya nag-stop) and the jeep is obliged to slow down. X, surprisingly got off the vehicle without any goodbyes (take note: ikaw pa ang pinagbabayad ng pamasahe) and you (hard-headed as you always were), resisting the disrupting-medium to let yourself stop like the jeepney had, try to continue your trip. But, the Resistant (opposing energy) is too strong. So being a helpless person as you are now, let yourself be dictated of the external force. End of story, I mean love story.
----

What a coincidence! Along with the external force, came O, thus he/she sits beside you and together, start a new cycle of Inertia. This O happens to have greater mass compared to X, therefore when another external force came along, 'coz the jeepney was to make a stop (it has arrived to its destination); he/she tried his best to resist change. Unfortunately, you weren't cooperative; you were very light to resist the transformation. In short, you're prone to such changes. To be continued...

----

New characters: O as new love, you as you, walking as new world, T as total time.

It has been a long T since you've had your last challenge for resistance to alteration. Although it was hard to get off that jeepney you rode some T ago, an external force interrupted your journey. But, you're starting to like walking by yourself. You're starting to make your own momentum. And then, the external force bumped you!

To your "heart's" delight, it was O!

Suddenly the momentum you were talking about a while ago became massive, O is now a part of your momentum. You start to walk, fearing no more of external forces, for you are more massive now. You have greater ability to resist change.

You walk, run, and ride a tricycle, jeepney, bus, train, airplane, or any type of vehicle. O is yours now, wrong. You and O are one now.

You smile.

You smile, unmindful of a more massive external force ahead... waiting for you...

----

Love is Inertia, an application of a Newton's Law. Love has many scientific explanations, like why do you call falling in love, why does Love make you torpe, etc. But, studies show that more detailed accounts of such a peculiar variable that can be categorized as an Applied Science can only be 95-99.9% true if and only if you interview primary sources and not secondary, and never nonpoint sources. And, about the 0.01% missing, that would depend on how the witness/dependent variable shares his/her experience.

kailan kaya ako papasa

2005-02-09T22:51:00.000-08:00

Alam mo ba na inihahalintulad kita sa isang matrabahong Chem 40 experiment...
Mahirap gawin lalo na pag walang partner. Pilit akong nagpapaka-dalubhasa habang sinusubukang gawin ang experiment na ito pero sadyang mahirap talaga lalo na kapag mag-isa lang ako. Wala man lang akong makuhang input mula sa iyo. Sana man lamang sabihin mo kung tama ang mga reagents na ginagamit ko para kung mali ay mapalitan ko. Mahirap na, baka magkaroon ng spontaneous combustion.

Alam mo ba na inihahalintulad kita sa magagandang bato sa Geo 11...
Tulad nila, nakakaaliw kang pagmasdan. Madalas pa nga ay nakakabilib. Yun nga lang, pag ipinukpok sa ulo, masakit pala. Kaya heto, hanggang ngayon may bukol pa rin ako kasi hanggang ngayon pilit pa rin kitang ipinupukpok sa ulo ko sa pag-asang baka sakali madurog ka na. Pero hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin kasi hanggang ngayon bato ka pa rin.

Alam mo ba na inihahalintulad kita sa nakakapagod na Physics 72.1 experiment...
Hindi nga ganun kadalas gawin pero mahirap namang lusutan. Minsan lang tayo magkita pero yung mga pagkakataong yun tumatagos sa buto. Parang pagkatapos, mahirap kumawala dahil nakatatak na sa isipan. Kapag iniwasan ko naman, mas masama kasi pagdating sa huli, ako na lang mag-isa ang gagawa. Ganun naman talaga yun di ba? Kaya heto... hanggang ngayon... nag-phy-physics 72. 1 pa rin ako.

Alam mo ba na inihahalintulad kita sa nakakahilong dissections sa Bio 102...
Yung tipong hindi mo makakalimutan kasi hindi lang sa damit mo kumakapit yung amoy ng formalin, kundi sa balat na. Minsan nga pag lusot sa ilong, dumidiretso pa sa utak. Alam mo ba na ganun ka? Tagos sa utak ko. Hilung-hilo na nga ako. Nakakainis na kasi pakiramdam ko hindi na madadaan sa ligo. Kahit nakailang paligo, palit ng damit at pabango na ako, hindi pa rin nawawala yung amoy mo.

Alam mo ba na kahit ihalintulad man kita sa lahat ng subjects ko at kahit nakalampas na ako sa mga subjects na yan...

Pagdating sa 'yo hindi pa rin ako pumapasa.

Kailan kaya?

addiction

2005-02-08T04:08:00.000-08:00

He is my addiction, the single occupant of my imagination.
I have tried walking him off. I have tried drowning in the puddle-filled concrete of Katipunan Avenue, only to be rescued by my insatiable thirst for him. I have tried, in extreme desperation, to sleep him off. But my dreams are of him.

He is the gandharvas personified. He is a designer drug. He is my midday dose of iced cafe latte. He is late night TV and the early morning weather report. He is my favorite song on the radio and the soothing voice of mood music. He is a detour on a crowded highway. He is the gentle rainfall that pours unexpectedly on the hottest summer day. He is the rustle of leaves on romantic afternoons. He is thunder and lightning on a no-school weekday, the final bell on a Friday, the steaming water on a freezing morning shower.

He is as precious as the sunrise and as perfect as the sunset. As fragrant as a newly-bloomed flower and as mysterious as falling stars.

He is my addiction, the cause and effect of my free flow emotion.

His touch, his words and his kisses are forever imprinted in my skin, my mind and my soul. I breathe in and the air smells of his hair. In the far distance, his laughter rings softly, yet clearly. He fills me with welcomed happiness, and I feel a certain glow when he holds my hand and when he wraps me in his arms. He is as real as I am.

I cannot elude him. Somebody save me because I have fallen in love, and I cannot walk away.

He is past obsession-- he is my addiction. He is the bittersweet truth.

I never thought bad karma could feel this good.

life is short

2005-02-07T17:26:00.000-08:00

Love is one of the questions we have always attempted to answer in ways more than one. This only shows that it is quite impossible to grasp and comprehend the totality of its being. But we try, don't we? We try and find out by loving and being loved. We try and find out by getting hurt. We try and find out.

When you enter a relationship, when you commit yourself, you must always bear in mind that you are also sharing a part of yourself to a stranger who by mere chance or destined by fate, you happened to like and love. In doing so, you take a risk, a GREAT RISK.

He is really different. That is why you should not expect him to be like you. This being so, you must learn to accept him in his totality as a person. Growth is brought about by your indifference which in one way or another cultivate the relationship. It is also important to remember that trust is a vital element of many relationships. UNCONDITIONAL TRUST. No ifs, no buts.

When you love someone, honestly love, then you must be willing to sacrifice. There are times when hurts go so deep, when pain is almost unbearable, when you are about to give up. But loving is not giving up so easily. It is being there when all have gone, when there is very little strength left, when it is too much to stand.

Loving is letting be. There is really no difference between the "as-a-matter-of-fact" way and the romantic way, you might just be in a different plane of understanding which may be the cause of misinterpretations.

If he says he is honest with you, then don't kill yourself by saying he's not. How do you know? His past experience is not enough to doubt him. If you can offer your "romantic" way of loving to the best, then do so. And if he can love you the "as-a-matter-of-fact" way in return, then accept it. Please do not measure the exchange. Just be honest with each other and have an open channel of communication constantly where there is a free sharing of ideas. No ifs, no buts.

Get the best out of life. Love and get hurt. Get hurt and learn. Learn and love again. It's a cycle of being. Life is short. Experience it.

walking away

2005-02-02T15:01:00.000-08:00

He represented something that I really longed for and I could not have asked God for someone else. Sometimes, I rationalize as to how come I like him this much though I could not really come up with concrete answers. Though, I know that the extent of my feelings could only be justified by my heart and that asking "why" is not that applicable.

The times that I can say that we really connected were like soft rain during midnight. I felt that we needed no labels since what I believed we were feeling was enough for the two of us. It was a light feeling of connecting- knowing that he was there. But, at the same time I was scared of how much to give knowing that we only have that much time.

The times that we saw each other and having to deal with seeing him walk away, I can only do so much as to beg him to stay. Seeing him, talking to him makes my sleep so light that in the mornings it is him that first comes to mind. Everything back then revolved around him.

Now when I go back to the last night we were together and the closeness that we've shared I can only wish that things could have ended differently. My greatest fear of loosing him was exactly what happened. Things, I know will never be the same.

I miss him so much; God knows how sad I am. Having him so near and yet I could not bear seeing him. Seeing him and having no choice but to walk away. Still feeling so much but should keep quiet. Having to deal with his memories everyday and wishing, praying that soon I can walk away from it all.

Elicited thoughts

2005-02-01T19:03:00.000-08:00

The past really brings back bitter-sweet memories. But the bitter ones are more stressed and I don't know why. I must admit that I also experienced bliss back then, still the hurting just won't stop. Until, I got to the point that I hated him. I hated the moments when memories of him suddenly crossed my mind. I hated hearing his voice and anything he had to say. I even feared seeeing him because the pain would start to consume my whole being again. And I would end up in desolation and worst, self-pity.

Loving and hating him is a very difficult ordeal. It is exasperating and crazy! And i did it. I must be crazy.

Of course, everything must come to an end.

Yeah, I too got to the point that I was really tired of almost everything, even thinking. It feels like the more I think of him, the more I get wasted. I even got to the point that I got tired hating him. It felt like it was a futile effort. So I decided that I must move on. That's what I used say and I eventually failed.

I told my friends that I am definitely over him. That is what I usually claim. I made them believe me or I thought could. Yes, they usually find out. They always do. And for the nth time, they would persuade me, even bribe me to just quit toturing myself. Honestly, I don't know if I am over him or may be I'm just denying the fact that I am not. Well, I don't want to start thinking about it again.

My friends told me that we needed a closure for us to move on. But I just can't have a single conversation with him. I'm afraid where that talk might lead us. I'm not sure if I wanted us back again. I'm afraid of the consequences and of course another pain. You may brand me coward but I don't care. I don't want to deal with it right now.

I'd rather settle to wishing that one day the hurting would finally stop and someday he would have no effect on me. I wish that someday it would come.

Someday.

b4 i let u go

2005-01-31T16:30:00.000-08:00

I've had enough.
No, don't try to reason with me, this is too much.

I will try not to think of you when I wake up in the morning and ask myself if somehow you are also awake. I have my own life to lead and my own life to think of.

No, I won't even think of you while I'm eating my lunch wondering if you're doing the same thing, because sooner or later I know you will.

No, never again will I go to the comfort room and lock myself in just to have some privacy to piteously think of you, cry, sing or do some silly things because of you. And no, never will i again think of you last when I go to sleep. Sleep is my only rest, so please don't plague me in my dreams.

I am moving on.

I'll try to wake up in the morning and smile and think not of why you left but that once you stayed.

And if I feel the need to cry, it will not be for the future that we could have, not for the regrets that I have nor of the anger that i feel, but I will cry because of a love that I never was able to share with the one man I felt it for. I will cry for the love that was lost, and not for the man who left.

I will give my affections to any man who is need of it, but not my heart because I still am trying to get it back from you. I will give him the love that you never wanted, the kiss that I so longed to give you and the words that once was yours. Worthy or not worthy of it, at least he's here, you're not.

I'll try to hold back the tears when I think of you. I'll just try to smile.

I am moving on, hoping that the next thing would be letting go.

one hello

2005-01-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

"The trouble with hello is goodbye......"
The last line of the song haunted me long after the last notes faded away. With my failed romance with T in mind, I realize how true this is; how poignantly true indeed.

Suddenly, all the memories crept back unbidden... from our first hello... to our everyday hellos... to our everyday goodbyes... to our last goodbye. And, with the memories, the pain, which had never quite left me, is washed anew. The wound that I've desperately tried to heal is opened again and the memories are rubbing it like salt.

Sometimes, in my utmost misery, I find myself wishing that I would have been better off had I not known him. Knowing that nothing that's good lasts forever, knowing that with a hello there's bound to be a goodbye, I shouldn't have had exchanged hellos with him.

At the time when I realized that he has already drifted away beyond my reach, I feel like the world is closing in on me; that everywhere I look there's just bleakness and hopelessness. Coping with a broken heart seems like the hardest ordeal I have to overcome.

However, when I think of how good it has been, I can't help but be grateful that I have come to know such a very special person and that for even just a very short time, I had known how it is to be taken cared of by him.

Ironically, thinking about the perfect moments T shared with me somehow strengthens and empowers me to rise again from this miserable trench that I've plunged myself into. Remembering the way he looked at me somehow gives me the hope to fight back and reclaim what should be and really is mine. And that even his arms may now be around a raving beauty and that even if he claims that he can't imagine spending the rest of his life without her, still, reminiscing about how we both felt when we were near each other somehow revives me and my resolve to see him again and remind him of how it all was.

It is true that if you love someone, you have to set him or her free. And if he or she comes back, then it's meant to be. But before I let him go, I must first show and remind him of my love for him.

I may be wrong in that seeing him again may be like a slap in the face; perhaps there really is no love to reclaim. But until then…until then…

The radio then played another song..."Love begins with one hello"..."starts with one hello"... Perhaps one hello would bring him back.... Perhaps, this time, there'll be no goodbyes... Perhaps...

sa aking paglisan

2005-01-29T20:46:00.000-08:00

Dumating na ba sa buhay mo ang pakiramdam na sana ay bigla ka na lang maglaho sa mundong ibabaw? Iyong tipong mawawala ka, wala ka ng mararamdaman pa at paglisan mo ay walang sinoman ang makakaalaala na nabuhay ka pala.

Ako, oo, maraming beses na. Pero iba sa pagkakataon na ito. Hindi ko alam kung ano nga ba ang ipinagkaiba ng nararamdaman ko sa ngayon kesa sa mga sakit na dinanas ko bago ka dumating sa buhay ko. Basta ang tangi ko lang alam, gusto ko na maglaho ora mismo dito sa aking kinauupuan.

Sawang-sawa na akong gumising araw-araw na ikaw na lang palagi ang iniisip ko. Kung ano ang ginagawa mo, kung sino ang kasama mo at... kung tulad ko ay naiisip mo pa rin ba ako. Malamang hindi na dahil masaya ka na. Hindi tulad ko na pilit pa rin pinaglalabanan ang lungkot na aking nadarama bawat araw.

Sa totoo lang, natatakot akong mag-isa. Pinipilit kong maging masaya kapag may kasamang iba. Ayoko na ngang umuwi dahil batid ko na babalik na naman ako sa dati kong mga gawi. Natatakot ako dahil alam kong pagpasok ko pa lamang sa pintuan namin ay babalik na naman ako sa realidad na wala ka na talaga.

Nariyan na rin ang mga panahon na naglalakad akong mag-isa sa kalyeng punong-puno ng mga tao pero pakiramdam ko ay mag-isa lamang akong naglalakad. Dati kasama kita habang masayang naglalakad at nagtatawanan na di man lamang alintana ang pagod, ngunit ngayon ako na lamang mag-isa sa paglalakad. Madalas ay naluluha pa rin ako tuwing naaalala ka. Pero sinasabi ko na lang sa aking sarili na para ano pa ang bawat luha ko, eh masaya ka ng kasama siya.

Kapag nawala kaya ako ay maaalala mo pa ako, magaaksaya ka pa kaya ng panahon para hanapin ako? At iiyak ka ba at sasabihin sa sarili mo na "sayang, hindi man lang ako nakapagpaalam..." ?

Marahil nga ay tanga ako para isipin pa ang isang tulad mo. Pinipilit ko namang limutin ka eh. Kahit sobrang sasabog na ang dibdib ko sa pagpigil na huwag kang intindihin. Pero talagang hindi ko kaya.

Kaya nga mas mabuti pa siguro na maglaho na lamang ako sa mundong ito ng tuluyan. Dahil pagmamay-ari na ng iba ang mudong dati kong ginagalawan. At kapag dumating ang araw ng aking paglisan, huwag mo sanang isipin na isa itong kahibangan. Marahil ay hindi ko lang talaga kaya na mamuhay pa sa ibang mundo, isang mundo na malayo sa mundong kinasanayan ko sa piling mo.

i tried to forget u

2005-01-28T08:30:00.000-08:00

I've tried to forget you. Tried to banish you from my mind, my soul, my being. But I could not...I just could not. Countless days and nights, I have told myself over and over again, I cannot have you-not forever, not today, not this time (Why do I think like that?). No matter how hard I try to...purge you from my thoughts, drown you in glasses upon glasses of caffeine or suffocate you thru puffs of cigarettes, I just could not!

You...hold me with a thousand fingers, capture me with your vibrancies, enslave me with your existence.

Reason eludes me.

Rationality escapes me.

All that I have now is the immensity of this-this feeling as if it consumes me in all its intensity.

My heart flutters and beats.

My ears burn.

My soul lifted.

Never in my entire life have I felt this compulsion to be with someone. Never have I seen such defiance-nay, abandonment-of all logic or reason or sanity.

I am lost in you. I have lost all of myself in you. It's as if I exist just to please you, mend you...be for you. It's as if I exist only to...

...love you.

Reason has been abandoned.

All reservations torn apart.

All restraints, broken.

Now there is only the sweet surrender of my entirety--

Like how the day gives into the night,
How the river gives into the night,
Like how a man gives into a woman.

Yes, I want you and I cannot deny it.

I need you and I cannot fight it.

And I love you because I know no other way how to explain it.

mga tanong na takot akong sagutin...

2005-01-27T17:23:00.000-08:00

Masama bang humingi ng isang makabuluhang relasyon? Yung isang relasyon na natututo kayo ng mga bagay na hindi lang tungkol sa pakikipagrelasyon kundi tungkol din sa buhay, yung kapag nag-bare ka ng kaluluwa mo tapos weirdo ka pala, eh, hindi ka manliliit pero hindi ka rin kakaawaan, yung kahit hindi niyo na pag-usapan eh, alam niyo pa rin tungkol sa isa't isa.

Pwede bang mamili ng kasama sa relasyong 'to?

Alam ko naman kasi at sigurado ako na mahal ko siya. Kaya lang hindi ko maiwasang itanong sa sarili ko kung masaya nga ba talaga ako. Kung masaya na ako kapag nagkikita kami, magkukuwentuhan tungkol sa mga nangyari bago kami nagkita, tapos maglalambingan, kakain, matutulog. Kung bakit pakiramdam ko eh, wala naman talagang relevance ang existence ko sa totoo niyang buhay, imagination ko lang na meron. Yung parang ayw niya akong isali, o worse, hindi pa siya aware na may totoo siyang buhay. Masaya na ba talaga ako kasi hindi na kami nag-aaway? Kasi fun na yung mga panahon naming magkasama? Kahit alam kong hanggang dun lang kami ngaun, fun.

Ayoko naman sigurong tanggapin na lang na ganun lang talaga kasi magkaiba na ang mga mundo naming dalawa. Hanggang kelan ko ba hahanapin yung true essence ng relasyong 'to?

Siguro nga, tanggap ko na na hindi talaga siya. Takot lang akong umayaw. Mahirap kasing umalis at hindi mag-look-back. Hindi ko yata kaya. Andami na kasing nangyari, tumagal na rin kasi. Mahirap na para sa'kin alalahanin kung paano buhay ko nung hindi pa siya kasali dun at kung anong magiging buhay ko kapag parte na lang siya ng nakaraan.

Hihintayin ko pa rin ba? Baka na lang mali lang talaga yung panahon para humingi ng meaning. Kasi, nung una naman, bago mabilis na lumipas ang tatlong taon, naramdaman ko naman na niyakap niya ang kaluluwa ko nang mahalin niya ako.

Pero teka, pa'no naman ako in the process?

Losing Faith

2005-01-24T16:50:00.000-08:00

It's over. Finally, I can breathe. I can have a life again, something apart from always trying to be there for you. I can stop trying to understand, trying to make you see that we can work through this, that our love is worth fighting for. All the uncertainty, all the confusion, all the pain of not knowing where I went wrong, is finally over.

D*mn you for putting me through all that. D*mn you for taking my belief in love, my belief in forever, my belief in you, and handing them back to me broken, saying you can't deal with them anymore. You will never know how much you hurt me by just giving up, you will never know how much you scared me from loving as much as I loved you ever again.

I did not deserve to be hurt that way. And you didn't deserve my trust.

So much wasted emotion. I had so much more tenderness to give, I could have stayed with you longer, but you didn't think it would be worth our while. I know you still love me, as I know that you were too d*mned scared to be vulnerable. And I was stupid enough to hope I can help you conquer that fear, or live with it, so that you can take the risk of letting me into your heart. Not anymore. You would rather hurt me than let down your guard.

I loved you. Honestly, bravely, intensely I loved you. But it wasn't enough.

I hate the fact that we could have saved us, but we didn't. We simply gave up something rare, something that doesn't come along everyday. I hate the emptiness. I hate the regrets.

But the worst thing about all this is the simple, stupid, pathetic truth that I miss you. I miss you. I knew losing you would be painful, but pain, I can deal with. I can cope with the sharp, intense rush of emotion that cuts like a knife, but is relieved somehow by tears and is dulled by the passage of time. What I didn't expect was the sadness - the steady, lingering hurt that comes with the realization that you will never again look at me as if I'm precious, special, and infinitely cherished. It's the constant heaviness that haunts me and makes me wonder if I'll ever be whole again without you, of if I'll always mourn the part of me that died with our love. I miss you. And I'm to be totally honest with myself, I'll have to admit that I'd do anything, give everything even go through all the confusion again, just to find a way for you to keep believing in us. But there's no chance of that.

Some goodbyes are final. I have a feeling this one is.

haaaaay...how sad tlga ang life!

2005-01-22T16:13:00.000-08:00

We were too good together. We never really needed others because we felt contented having each other. Until things had to change and they were never the same anymore. We started treading different paths.

After all the pain and suffering, the storm had to abate, for the rapture to ebb. I started to rebuilt the bridge that was severed but I could never complete the reconstruction without his help. I tried to take back the friend even without the lover, but I failed. I was fool enough to beg and grovel at his feet for a friendship that I probably never had. Maybe for him I was just a lover, just one of them who came and went. I wasn't a friend. But he was, for me.

Sometimes the pain brought me to my knees and drew tears from my eyes. The humiliation I felt each time I tried to reach out to someone who wouldn't even look at me was overwhelming. But I thought that hope springs eternal, that if I try a little bit more, I'd succeed. I might have failed last time but it could be the next. I believed.

He didn't understand these things though. He was numb enough not to know how an unreplied text, an ignored telephone call, and unappreciated gifts could hurt the soul of an already bleeding heart.

I'm not trying to come out clean. But he was the cause of the relationship's failure. He found someone else after only two weeks of a mutually-decided rest. To hurt me and spite me perhaps, or simply his plan of ending it all. Eventually, I learned to let go of him as a lover. Why not? I'd been there, done that, as they say. I was there to guide him through his two failing realtionships during the other times he chose to leave me for them. But he kept on coming back to me while I was always an open door. We promised to stay as friends no matter what happens during the relationship. Obviously, promise wasn't his favorite word. He left me, lover, friend, and all just when I already put down all my defenses. How sweet! How convenient!

Looking back at the fast-receding time, it all seems funny now. A whole year of hoping, waiting, and begging feels absurd. How could I waste a time of my life with someone like him when he didn't want me anymore? No, I'm not gloating, sourgraping, or other words and phrases that may seem appropriate. You have to give me more credit that that. Something happened that opened my eyes. Ironically, it was his birthday. I texted him at 12MN to probably be the very first to greet him. I spent 3 hours looking for a nice gift, willing to lavish him with my hard-earned savings. But a message that said "Thanks, you shouldn't have wasted your time.", shook me. I never knew how ingrate and cold he could get until that moment. I decided not to give him the cake anymore. I gave it to people who would appreciate the thought better. He must think, if he's reading this, that I must be angry. But I'm not. On the contrary, I'm very thankful for the lousy attitude that he had shown. It liberated me from further pain and suffering. I realized, sadly, how I missed a year of my life. But it must have been good at the same time. It proved how nice I could get, and how the reverse he could. Or maybe it was just not meant to be.

It's nice to finally wake up and find out that the dream is over. He doesn't deserve me, even as a friend. Lots of better people need me and I shouldn't put myself to waste. After all, he's now headed down the drain. It only gives me the creeps when I think of it now.

Afraid to LoVe… or Afraid to LoSe?

2005-01-21T19:10:00.000-08:00

Come to think of it, is love what we are really afraid of? Change one letter of that word, and you get the word "lose." A guy loses when the girl he's courting happens to fall for someone else. A girl loses when her husband cheats on her and chooses the mistress instead. A lover loses when the loved one decides that he or she wouldn't have anything to do with the other person anymore. These scenarios can happen in all kinds of variations. The sad thing is, they all bring about hurt. Sometimes this kind of hurt becomes too much for a person to bear. It can cause sickness, it can cause depression, it can cause all kinds of reactions. The worst case of which would be suicidal attempts. Now that probably occurs when the person in love feels that he or she has lost everything - pride, hope, happiness... and even the will to live -- because of the pain that love brought about.

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is that it is NOT love that some of us are afraid of. I mean, what's there to fear about love, right? Love is such a wonderful feeling. It inspires, it makes our lives so much brighter, it gives us an opportunity to make someone feel special. It is not really something to be afraid of. What we are afraid of, though, is to lose, and the pain that threatens to come along with love, as well. To lose the inspiration that love can bring. To lose one's self so much in the pleasure of loving and being loved for fear that it might not last long. To lose the feeling of being wanted. Sometimes, these things come unexpectedly when we fall in love, and we mistake the fear of losing for the fear of loving. That is why we hold back. But then, if we don't risk letting ourselves fall in love, we might regret it. As the saying goes, "It is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all." Mushy and idealistic, isn't it? But it's most probably true.

ang puno't dulo ng pag-ibig...

2005-01-20T13:24:00.000-08:00

Nakakatawa talaga ang love. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin. Ang labo di ba? Pero ang linaw.
Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Leche, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama'y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing-galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto. Hayop talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

To live is to love... To love is to hurt... To hurt is to live.

2005-01-19T13:31:00.000-08:00

Pains of love be greater far,
than all other pleasures are.
-John Dryden

Ah, to be in love. It is far too complex to comprehend-why, after love's initial bewitchment of the lovestruck victim-it casts on it a spell of total submission to the joys and pains it brings. To be hopelessly and helplessly in love is a one-of-a-kind experience, an oxymoron of all sorts, for it is bitter as it is sweet, and it is lethal as it is invigorating. You see, the irony of it all is this: to fall in love with someone is to give that chosen one the power to make you happy, and also the power to hurt you the most. It is a double-edged sword, for as much as love can open you up and set you free, it could also cut your throat and stab you to death.

The bits and pieces of broken hearts and the tears shed over love are so many that Cupid should be out of business by now. Hurt within, and out of love is a tragic predicament that you should avoid at all costs... as much as you can. It is not an easy task though, because love, in its pure beauty and charm, is simply irresistible. If you're in its good favor, and it is for you, it will take you to a roller coaster ride of being in a heaven to another... if it is not, then your roller coaster straps will just snap and you'd fall, injuring yourself, bumping and slamming in the tracks, and eventually land on the hard, cold, sharp-rocks-packed ground. Oh how I wish it is an exaggeration, a convoluted use of hyperbole (my English teachers would be sooo proud of me), but it's not.

When love hurts, it hurts- A LOT. It comes in stages: first, denial- initially you refuse to believe everything that has happened and you go on stepping backwards, hoping to be propped up by your protective cushion of the wonderful past; then, incredulity- after the reality of events has whacked your head a million times, you ask the age-old question "but how could it be? we love each other!"; and last, pain- just pure, blinding, bitter as hell pain. And oh, pangs of guilt, anger, and occasional moments of temporary insanity add to the excitement of things. This (love's poking, stabbing, hurting-in-stages action) goes not only for earth crushing break- ups, but also for those petty fights that couples have caused by annoyingly weird, irritating pet peeves that blow up right into their faces, making them think "what the hell did I get myself into?!"

Then why, oh why, do people go gaga over love? If tales of heartaches are countless and pieces of shattered hearts are strewn all over the world, why long for love, hopefully wait for it, desperately search for it, and stubbornly fight for it?

That, my friend, is love's complex magic.

Because for every tear that is shed over it, a smile is waiting; and for every morsel of a shattered heart, a healing spirit is invoked. I read from somewhere that time does not heal all wounds, love does. And it's true. Love awakens the white lighter in each person; and every blow, every stab, every shooting, blinding pain is designed to transform itself to a chi of strength, a jolt of confidence, and overwhelming happiness someday. It is a worn-out cliché, I know, but hey it still works- love, and all the joys and especially the pains that it brings, makes you a stronger and better person.

Another cliché?

To live is to love... To love is to hurt... To hurt is to live.

Now go! Live, love, and hurt --- you will make Jollibee proud, you'd definitely be happy.

God is a bad sales man.

2005-01-18T13:58:00.000-08:00

God is a bad sales man.

He shows you this product you couldn't have cared less about if He hadn't intervened. So there's this product, right? And yeah, you admit, it looks okay. You nod--it looks okay. But you shake your head right after--you don't need that right now. So God throws you His salesman smile.

That's when you get stuck with the sales talk.

God begins showing you everything this product can do. And man, it can do a lot. It can make your life so easier, provide you with entertainment, make you feel a little more secure, increase your confidence, have you smiling a bit more even. And you nod--yeah that's great. Then you shake your head right after--you already have other things performing those tasks for you right now. So God throws you another smile, bigger this time.

And He shows you how different this is from everything that you have. And how you're one of the special ones He so importantly chose to even just check out the product. Then He gets into further details about how this is like nothing you've ever seen before He tells you how it's only a limited offer and it's for a very low price right now. All you need to do is to say you want it--no commitments.

And so you start thinking. Hmmm, no commitments aye? So all you need to do is to say you're interested? Well, yeah--God says, almost hesitantly. He begins to seem like the offer isn't available anymore so you look at Him with a quizzical expression on your face. God sighs--well, I have to see that you really want it, because of course I'm gonna give it to the one with the best offer. It's really in demand, He adds.

So you begin your own sales talk. You tell Him that ok, you're willing to shell out this much--and that's an amount well beyond what you can actually spend. You say that you're really intent in buying the thing you're willing to do probably some overtime so you can afford it. You say you're really going to make ways and move mountains if only you can have it. And that if He wants He can even check up on it after you've closed the sale to see how good you're taking care of it.

And He nods like He's convinced and you think that it's a done deal. But of course it's not. Because like I said, God is bad salesman. Why, you ask? It's out of stock, God shrugs and walks away. Sorry.

And you find yourself exacty the way you were when you got there, but disappointed. Because now you feel like you're lacking something. You feel incomplete because of this thing you never even had--something you got convinced could be good for you and make life a lot better and it just so turns out that however much you'd be willing to invest, it's just impossible to have.

But ok, I take it back. God isn't a bad salesman. He isn't bad at all. I mean, He almost made the sale had the product been available. So He's good. He just has a sick sense of humor.

rogue

2005-01-17T17:53:00.000-08:00

wala lang...i just feel like posting it here...

You are Rogue!

You are sexy and strong willed, and able to take on
just about anyone. You long for a serious
relationship, but whenever you begin to get
close to someone things always seem to take
turns for the worse. But you have dealt with
this lack of closeness with an almost constant
flirtacious behavior.

Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

mush in time of cholera

2005-01-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

I am jaded.

Not long ago, I found my true north. My existence suddenly gained essence. I was finally living not just for myself but for someone elses as well. Each day was total bliss. The world surprisingly changed its hue. There was peace… even just for a moment.

I was jaded.

We were star-crossed lovers one time or the other. My life used to revolve around my paramour. Used to.

Two months and still counting...

Parting is such sweet sorrow. So true. It's like having a major hangover after the intoxication wears off from last night's party. You feel nauseous, dehydrated, wasted, and dry. Mush suddenly loses meaning. Sweet-nothings translate into one word-crap. And like crap, you simply flush it down the drain. You are left with nothing but disillusionment. The world ain't that great after all. Everything becomes gray.

Fast cars and rubber duckies...

I have mastered the art of watching cars go by, without rational goal or purpose of course. I just love to let my mind wander. Every car carries my thoughts with it. All memory of my long lost paramour. Wishful thinking. No matter how much I try to wash off the pain and misery, I am faced with the fact that baths are now to be shared with rubber duckies. Lifeless rubber duckies.

Ramblings of a jilted lover.

You promised me the stars... it seems that the clouds have hidden them from sight. You said forever... all you gave is just a moment. I guess forever is too long. You said you would stay. Stay with whom? You said, "I love you." I love you for now? Well, screw love.

Mush at its finest

I have done everything to cope with my loss-from watching cars to bathing alone, from downing alcohol to gazing at an overcast sky, from wishing to hoping, from rambling to writing... At the end of the day, all I have is mush, and no one to share it with.

A line from a popular song says, "You bleed just to know you're alive..." I feel so alive right now. It must have been death when I was with my paramour for I didn't know pain. To see the world through the eyes of the jaded was the biggest illusion of all. To love and to be loved for a while was the sweetest thing, even for a cynic.

HAUNT ME

2005-01-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

Amidst all the commotion and chaos brought about by life, I am lost. But whenever I see your smile, hold your hand, feel your breath against my cheek, and look into your eyes, I know I am home.--But then again, that was so long ago.

Will you stop haunting me?

I lie down, every night, with the image of you lingering in my mind. I'm lost-completely at sea-I don't know why you're still stuck here when you've left-quite uncertainly-three years ago.

Will you just stop it?

Every waking day, I open my eyes, only to see an image of you, so vivid in my head. I try to shake it off-to shake you off. But the more I do, the more your memory seems to slip through the fine spaces between my hair and cram into my mind. I'm imprisoned-I can't free myself from the image you've built in me. I'm held captive by your mere memory that it numbs my senses, leaving me feeling weak and, considerably immobilized, resulting to my sudden crash landing at the foot of the stairs as I was-at least I doubtfully recall-going down to make breakfast.

Even during the most terrible and traumatic moments in class, you never fail to make things a lot more-well, dreadful. It's as if I'm doomed to forever think of you when you're...a million miles away from me. So far, I couldn't even possibly think I'd ever see you again. But-what the heck-the world loves to fool me.

As I made my way through the bustling crowd and headed to the MRT station, I suddenly felt as if someone was looking straight at me. I positively tried to jerk the feeling off, but it's just too stubborn to go away. I waited until I reached the escalator until I looked around-and I was stupefied. Behind me stood the most unpleasant and horrid thing that has haunted me during the last three years of my existence. There he was-the reason for all my nightmares, the cause of all the anxiety that keeps on subsisting in my head. Oh how I loathed this day-the day when I-who obviously thought was strong enough to handle all provoking situations-finally admitted to myself how I have loved him (though perhaps I still do). He smiled at me as if to say, "Look at me, I'm doing fine without you." I nodded and grinned broadly in return thinking, "Well, that's funny. I swear I am too!" He took no notice whatsoever of the speciousness of my grin. He seemed to really believe I was doing fine without him.--Well, stupid me. I know he couldn't have been more bothered if I told him I'm dying.

As I stood in front of the closed doors, I glanced beside only to see him, smiling sweetly at his-well, I presume-girlfriend, unaware that at this very moment, someone's world was falling apart beneath her. Those moments seemed to last for eternity.

Stop haunting me, please...

Even inside the train, my eyes lingered from his perfect face, to his hands, delicately and beautifully shaped, clasping his companion's own. Our eyes met for a moment. He seemed to be thinking it was best that we parted ways. I, in the meantime, think I should've just died. That fleeting look seemed to have stirred up the emotions well hidden beneath my jovial appearance.
How I wish that was me beside you, holding your hand, touching your skin, caressing your face...

I decided to leave just a station before theirs. Before I went out, I stopped and looked at him. He waved his hands at me, saying goodbye. I nodded my head in return. I do not wish to leave. Please let me stay with you for a while...please, for just a while..."Bye." I said. I almost choked in my words. I left without turning back, hoping to leave all the feelings of anguish and pain inside the train.

I was wrong.

As I made my way through the bustling crowd, I kept searching for that odd feeling-the feeling that someone was staring at me. I knew this was absurd. He couldn't still be there, can he? I looked around, to be sure. Just as I thought, he's nowhere in sight. I continued to walk, unsure of where I was to go. I kept glancing back, in hopes of finding him behind, waiting for me to take her back into my arms, pleading...

I went home, a feeling of desperation and longing heaving inside my chest. I wanted to cry, to scream with all my might. I've waited for this moment for so long. To see him again, to finally admit to myself that the reason for all my misery, my tormented days, is that I still love him. That I'm dying to hold him, to touch him, to see him, not merely the image of him inside my head, but for real. I don't care anymore if I fall repeatedly downstairs, or if I feel terrible during class...suddenly, I don't really mind seeing him everyday inside the train...

Please come back...haunt me and never leave my sight...I've come to my senses...I am not so afraid anymore...

why do i love him

2005-01-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

Why do I love him?

Tough question. I don't even know how or where to begin. I'm not sure if I could possibly find the right words to express what or how much I feel for him, let alone explain why I love him. I don't believe the English language has all the words I would need.

Why do I love him?

I guess I just do. I love him just because. I love him just because that's the most natural and possible thing to do.

I love him.

I love him because he's the most incredible, wonderful, amazing and fantastic guy I have ever known in my entire life. I love him because he's sweet, charming, smart, witty, and has a great sense of humor. I love him because he's so cool he's hot.

I love him because he makes me smile. I love him because he makes me laugh. I love him because he makes me happy. I love him because he's the one and only guy who has ever made it through my wall and seen right through my mask. I love him because he accepts the real me, imperfections and all, and still appreciates me for who I am.

I love him for being my friend. I love him because I could be whatever I want to be in front of him. I love him because we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.

I love him because I feel safe when I am with him. I love him because we are comfortable with each other. I love him for giving me a helping hand when I had to pick myself up, but couldn't. I love him for offering his shoulder for me to lean on to when I had to be strong, but wasn't.

I love him for telling me not to drink too much alcohol, then pretending to be mad at me when I did drink too much. I love him for telling me not to stay up too late at night because it wasn't good for my health. I love him for texting and sending me sweet and mushy messages. I love him for those times when he would call or text me just when I was thinking of calling or texting him, when I was feeling down, or when I was missing him, like he has gone psychic all of a sudden.

I love him for the kilig moments we had. I love him for always making me feel better, about myself and life in general. I love him for making me feel special. I love him for making me feel loved. But most of all, I love him for making me feel. I love him for making me realize that I am capable of feeling this way and this much for someone. I love him for making me feel alive.

So, why do I love him?

I love him because he's all of these and more. So much more. I love him because he's everything. He's everything...but mine.

ikaw pa rin kung sakali...

2005-01-13T15:52:00.000-08:00

Kahit ibigay pa sa kin ng Diyos ang isang perpektong tao, mas pipiliin ko pa rin yung mahal ko. 'Yan ang sabi ko sa 'yo nung minsang napag-usapan natin ang mga love life natin. Pareho tayo ng pag-iisip sa bagay na ito. Pareho tayong naniniwala na meron ngang tao na nilaan para lang sa atin. Dati, akala ko ikaw na 'yon. Ngayon ko lang naiisip na baka nga hindi talaga tayo para sa isa't isa.

Kung aalalahanin ko lahat ng dinaanan ko dahil sa iyo, mapapabuntung-hininga na lang ako. Sabi ko nga, mahirap maging kaibigan mo, pero mas mahirap na mahalin ka at maging kaibigan mo lang. Bilang kaibigan, kailangan kong ipakita ang suporta ko sa lahat ng gusto mong gawin. Kailangan ipakita ko na masaya ako tuwing masaya ka. Kailangan ipakita ko na natutuwa ako sa mga kakiligan mo kapag kasama mo siya. Kailangan nakangiti ako kahit malungkot ako. Lahat nang ito ginagawa ko dahil gusto kong malaman mo na tunay akong kaibigan. At dahil mahal kita. Kung pwede nga hindi na ako magpapakita sa yo para lang hindi ako masaktan. Pero mahal kita. Para sa akin, ito lang ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako umaalis sa tabi mo. Para sa akin, ito lang ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa sa 'yo.

Pero ngayong napapaisip ako, hindi lang naman kalungkutan ang dinala mo sa akin. Ang ganda rin pala ng pagkakaibigan natin. May mga araw na kapag magkasama tayo, tawa lang tayo ng tawa. Siguro weirdo talaga tayo pareho, magka-wavelength. May mga araw naman na sobrang seryoso ng usapan. Tungkol sa mga problema sa pamilya, mga prinsipyo sa buhay at mga pangarap na gusto nating abutin. Pero may mga araw rin na wala kang kakwenta-kwentang kausap. Yun yung mga beses na kahit tahimik lang, ok na para sa atin.

Kapag kasama kita, sobrang kumportable ako. Kaya kong maging ako tuwing kasama kita. Kaya kong sabihin lahat-lahat at ipakita ang buong pagkatao ko sa yo dahil alam kong tatanggapin mo pa rin ako bilang kaibigan.

Ito ang hindi ko nakita noon. Dahil sa pagkabulag ko sa pagmamahal ko sa 'yo, isinumpa ko ang pagkakaibigan natin. Lagi kong naiisip na kaibigan lang kita. Hindi ako nagpasalamat sa pagkakaibigan natin. Ngayon lang ako natutuwa na kahit papaano, kaibigan kita. Masaya ako na dumating ka sa buhay ko, kahit para maging kaibigan ko lang. Isa ka sa mga biyaya na ibinigay sa akin at nagpapasalamat ako dahil dito. Masaya ako dahil kaibigan kita at dahil namamamahal kita ng ganito. Siguro nga hanggang dito na lang ang pagmamahal ko sa iyo. Hanggang kaibigan na lang.

Kahit ibigay pa sa kin ng Diyos ang isang perpektong tao, mas pipiliin ko pa rin yung mahal ko. 'Yan ang sabi ko sa iyo. Sabi ko sa iyo mas pipiliin pa rin kita. Na kahit sino pang mas gwapo, mas matalino, mas mabait, o mas may prinsipyo pa ang dumating sa buhay ko, ikaw pa rin. Kung gugustuhin mo lang, ikaw pa rin. Ikaw pa rin. 'Yan ang sabi ko sa iyo. Bingi ka lang. Manhid pa.
Siguro nga hindi talaga tayo para sa isa't isa.

rejection...

2005-01-12T18:35:00.000-08:00

The rain fell with a vengeance that Monday night I saw you again. No storm, no wind, no flood -- just the angry rain threatening the almost deserted streets mercilessly.

Sooner or later, I knew you would come. I shifted on the uncomfortable couch once more, changing my position, and hugged my knees about me. Such lengthy hours, minutes that seemed to last forever.

I kept my eyes glued on the television screen, my thoughts drifting. My friends thought I was engrossed on the melodrama being shown on TV, for indeed, my silence and concentration seemed unbreakable. It was as if I was in a world all of my own and nothing could penetrate the barrier that separated me from them.

Inside, I was a nervous wreck, but I managed to keep my countenance serene and detached. Two whole months of not seeing you. What am I going to say or do when we meet again?

The rain fell, the melodrama continued. Time torturing me endlessly with it's impassive slowness. Then, everything stood still.

You walked through the door, took off your jacket, your umbrella dripping. I dared not meet your eyes even as you said hello. The others answered your greeting while I mutely sat there as though oblivious to your presence. The words were stuck in my throat and you must have been offended with my indifference.

You walked across the room as though you were searching for something. I willed myself to say something, do something, anything to let you know I noticed you.

Slowly, I raised my eyes to yours and for the briefest of moments, our gazes met. No words were wasted between us. I knew without your even telling me how you felt that instant. And I understood rejection clearly. I understood, and bled for you, for us -- for everything that could have been.

All those empty months. The distance is even wider now between us. The love I felt for you had to be suppressed, and hidden deep, because we could not transcend the barriers of our friendship. I sensed your confusion, but I had my own doubts too. You could never really care enough -- at least not enough to show me I mattered to you. But I knew you feared rejection, and countless times I've told you my heart belonged to someone else.

Perhaps I caused you pain then, but my suffering is even greater now. I felt your pain, the very same pain I'm feeling this very moment. You lowered your eyes, and without a word, left the room again. As you walked out the door, I knew we would never communicate the way we did tonight. The conversation between us was over. Nobody noticed, because no words were spoken.

In the silence that followed, I didn't hear the rain, nor the soft romantic lines being uttered by the lovers on TV. The only sound echoing through my mind was that of your footsteps, as you walked out of my life -- forever.

jacket...

2005-01-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

Ngayon ko lang naramdaman, malamig pala talaga sa loob ng sinehan. Ilang buwan na akong napapadalas sa panonood ng sine, pero hindi ko maalala na nilalamig ako. Madalas kasi, hihiramin ko sa 'yo ang jacket mo, na madalas mong dala-- kaya siguro hindi ko nararamdaman ang lamig.
Nakakamiss naman ang jacket na iyon.

Namimiss ko ang jacket na 'yon, kasabay ng marami pang bagay at alaala--- ang madalas na pagtunog ng cellphone ko, dati dahil sa text, at nang masira ang text messaging ng cellphone ko, tawag naman, na nagtatanong kung nasaan ako at kung saan mo ako o kame pwedeng puntahan; ang pag-buzz mo sa akin sa YM at ang pagchachat natin hanggang madaling araw; ang walang kamatayang hirit mo ng "Tara SM tayo, libre mo ko"; ang dismayado mong mukha kapag sinabi kong sa McDo Carpark tayo ulit kumain; ang McFloat at ang walang kamatayang laro ng tictactoe; ang walang humpay na kantahan ng "Rainbow", "Wherever You Will Go" at "Hanging by a Moment"; ang bidahan tungkol kay "Legolas", "Clark Kent" at "Lana Lang"; ang kilitian na humahantong sa sakitan at pikunan; ang mahaba at nakakapagod pero masayang lakad natin patungong sakayan ng NIA-NPC; ang mga seryosong kwentuhan tungkol sa buhay-buhay.

Pero gaya ng jacket, pahiram mo lang sa akin ang lahat ng iyon.

Para bang ang lumipas na panahon na magkasama tayo ay isang araw ng panonood ng sine-- at ang mga alaalang iyon ay animong jacket na pinahiram mo sa akin para hindi ako lamigin. Sa halip, nabalot ako ng kasiyahan at seguridad. Naging komportable ako sa pagkakasuot ng jacket na iyon. Naging bahagi na ito ng aking pagkatao. Nakalimutan kong matatapos din pala ang sineng pinapanood natin at kailangan ko nang ibalik sa 'yo ang jacket mo.

At ngayo'y tila tapos na nga talaga ang sine.

Kailangan ko nang hubarin ang jacket. Kailangan ko na itong ibalik sa 'yo.

Salamat sa jacket. Salamat sa pagpapahiram nito sa akin. Salamat dahil kahit sa maikling panahon, naging masaya ako.

Masasanay din ako sa lamig.

2005-01-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

Sana Maulit Muli
ang mga oras nating nakaraan
bakit nagkaganito?
Naglaho nga ba ang pagibig mo?

No opening lines have ever brought me to tears like these have. So simple and yet so brilliantly encapsulating all the questions and wishes of someone who stares helplessly at the end of something so wonderful.

Words that wonder and plead that the hands of time may be pushed back to the moment when it all began. To a past that you'd give anything to bring back. A time where everything was okay, where you both were so happy and love was evidently still there. Then there are those questions that ask what went wrong and where has the love gone. Questions that are usually left unanswered because the one person who could answer them has left you standing there in the cold.

Kung kaya kong iwanan ka
di na sana aasa pa

Goodbye. Such power in the finality of that single word that those who hear it are either left with no strength to move or enough energy to stand. In its wake people are left speechless, powerless to do anything but watch the retreating back of someone walking away. And yet, despite everything, some still hope. But then why hope? What's the use? What hope is there? How can someone even dare hope when there could clearly be no hope left?

Kung kaya kong umiwas lang
di na sana lalapit pa

And why is it so hard to say goodbye? Why is it so hard to just take that first step in the opposite direction? Is it a question of not having enough self-worth to pack up and leave or having the will to stay and fight for it, to make it work? Or even the good judgment to know the difference? When is enough, enough? Where does one draw the line? And how can one ever find enough courage to say the word, go and stay away long enough to heal from the hurt dealt by someone so damn close to your heart? How? When all you know you've found home in that person's arms?

Kung ako'y nagkamali minsan
di na ba mapagbibigyan
O giliw dinggin mo ang nais ko

A request. A plea. Hear me out. Just hear me out. I'm sorry for everything I've done. Does this have to cost me everything we had? Everything we've shared? Please. I'm sorry if I'm starting to sound selfish but how can wanting your forgiveness ever be so wrong?

Ito ang tanging nais ko
ang ating kahapon
sana maulit muli

It's near impossible to bring things back the way they used to be. But there are those who wish for it anyway. Those who still believe in miracles. Who could blame them? Miracles do happen whether we believe in them or not, defying both reason and human comprehension. Who knows, right? Perhaps you can't bring back the past, but you could have a stab at a beautiful future. That is, if you let it happen. If you choose for it to happen.

Mahal pa din kita...

That's it. That's just it. In the end it just comes down to that. I love you. I still love you. I still love you so damn much. Whatever happens. Whatever happens between us. It kills me to see this end but I can't force you to stay either. So just let me say it one last time.

my speech...

2005-01-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

'to ung piece na gagamitin ko for our prelims in english...wala lang...i just feel like posting it here...

I May Not Be Perfect

" I have so many wonderful qualities, it's easy to overlook my few disgusting habits." That's one of Ashleigh Brilliant's sayings. He knows that perfection is not a concept that applies to humans. We tolerate one another's faults and annoying habits because they are only a small part of the total person.
A well-rounded person naturally has more than one side and it's not always possible to be viewed from the best side of our profile. No matter how diligently we stay on our guard, someone will catch us at a bad moment. Like the time someone took a photo of me blowing out candles on my birthday cake. I don't know how you look when you blow out candles, but this is how the camera caught me…… (Demonstration with puffed cheeks and eyes popping - Not a pretty sight.)
Now, I ask you, is that what I really look like? You bet it is! But only when I'm blowing out candles - for just a few seconds in a whole year. You know what that means? There are over 3 million seconds every year when I don't look like that!
Sometimes a bad impression is the first or even the only impression we have of someone. Years ago, a bus driver made a bad impression on me. I never saw him again, but I'll always remember how rude and impatient he was. Maybe he was a rude impatient man - or maybe he was really a nice man under a lot of stress and having a bad day.
It's so easy to make judgements based on one incident in a person's life without knowing why they are acting that way. Sometimes they are simply reacting to something that we are doing.
I'll never forget the day I was judged by a baboon. I was watching the monkeys at Alma Park Zoo, laughing at their antics when suddenly this big baboon started to glare at me. Next thing, he swung down to the bottom of the cage, scooped up a handful of pebbles and started to pelt me with them. The other monkeys and baboons joined in with such ferocious screeching, it was quite frightening. Someone explained to me later that to these animals, baring the teeth is an expression of hostility. When I smiled and laughed at them, they mistook it for aggression. I still haven't decided whether I should be concerned or relieved to find that I don't appeal to a baboon.
One of my friends once reacted something like that baboon. She didn't throw anything at me; she just stopped talking to me. It took a long time for me to realize she was reacting to a well-meaning remark I had made. She thought I had a low opinion of her.
I can understand how she felt. I always react badly if I think someone has a low opinion of me. I find that I act differently with different people. When I am with friends who see me as a bright outgoing person, I seem to sparkle in their company, but if someone expects me to be dull and stupid, I usually don't disappoint them.
We are inclined to live up to the image of ourselves that we see reflected in another person's eyes. The positive people in our lives look past our shortcomings and see us as the person we should be. This helps us to become that person.
So if we look for the best in people they will usually respond by rising to meet our expectations.
Of course we'll always have some faults and annoying habits. It's all part of being human. But don't let the little things stop you from seeing the good side of people.
As Ashleigh Brilliant says, " I may not be perfect, but parts of me are excellent!"

p0wer of love...

2005-01-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

From the very beginning, the girl's family objected strongly on her dating this guy, saying that it has got to do with family background, & that the girl will have to suffer for the rest of her life if she were to be with him.

Due to family's pressure, the couple quarrelled very often. Though the girl loved the guy deeply, she always asked him: "How deep is your love for me?"As the guy is not good with his words, this oftencaused the girl to be very upset.

With that & the family's pressure, the gal often vents her angeron him. As for him.. he only endured it in silence.
After a couple of years, the guy finally graduated & decided to further his studies overseas.

Before leaving, he proposed to the gal: "I'm not very goodwith words. But all I know is that I love you. If you allow me, I will take care of you for the rest of my life. As for your family, I'll try my best to talk them round. Will you marry me?"

The girl agreed, & with the guy's determination, the family finally gave in & agreed to let them get married. So before he left, they got engaged.

The gal went out to the working society, whereas the guy was overseas, continuing his studies. They sent their love through emails & phone calls.Though it was hard, but both never thought of giving up.

One day, while the gal was on her way to work, she was knocked down by a car that lost control. when she woke up, she saw her parents beside her bed. She realized that she was badly injured. Seeing her mum cry, she wanted to comfort her. But she rea! lized that all that could come out of her mouth was just a sigh. she had lost her voice....

The doctor says that the impact on her brain hascaused her to lose her voice. Listening to her parents' comfort, but with nothing coming outfrom her, she broke down. During the stay in hospital, besides silent cry.. it's still just silent cry that accompanied her. Upon reaching home,everything seems to be the same. Except for the ringing tone of the phone which pierced into her heart everytime it rang. She does not wish to let the guy know & not wanting to be a burden to him, she wrote a letter to him saying that she does not wish to wait any longer.

With that, she sent the ring back to him. In return,the guy sent millions & millions of reply and countless phonecalls.. all the gal could do besides crying is still crying.... The parents decided to move away, hoping that she could eventually forget everything & be happy.

With a new environment, the gal learnt sign language & started a new life. Telling herself everyday that she must forget the guy.

One day, her friend came & told her that he's back. She asked her friend not to let him knowwhat happened to her. Since then, there wasn't anymore news of him.

A year has passed & her friend came with an envelope, containing an invitation card for the guy's wedding. The gal was shattered. When she opened the letter, she saw her name on it instead. When she was about to ask her friend what was going on, she saw the guy standing in front of her....

He used sign language to tell her, "I've spent a year to learn sign language. Just to let you know that I've not forgotten our promise. Let me have the chance to be your voice. I Love You." With that, he slipped the ring back into her finger. The gal finally smiled......

> Treat every relationship as if it's the last one, then you'll know how to Give.

> Treat every moment as if it's the last day, then you'll know how to Treasure.

>Treasure what you have right now, or else you may regret on

2004-12-30T15:11:00.000-08:00

if you love someone...
Original Quote:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, he belongs to you.
If he doesn't, he never was meant for you in the first place....

The New Versions:

MARKETING EXPERT:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, he has brand loyalty.
If he doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

STATISTICIAN:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he loves you, the probability of him coming back is high.
If he doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

PESSIMIST:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he ever comes back, he's yours.
If he doesn't, as expected, he never was.

OPTIMIST:
If you love someone, set him free.
Don't worry, he will come back.

SUSPICIOUS:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he ever comes back, ask him why.

IMPATIENT:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he doesn't come back after some time, forget him.

PATIENT:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he doesn't come back, continue to wait until he comes back...

OVER-POSSESIVE PERSON:
If you love someone, don't set him free.

PLAYFUL:
If you love someone, set him free.
(*) If he comes back, and if you love him still, set him free again.
Repeat (*)

COMPUTER PROGRAMMER:
if (you-love(m_he))
m_he.free()
if (m_he == NULL)
m_he= new CHe

ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVIST:
If you love someone, set him free.
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free.

LAWYER:
If you love someone, set him free.
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second Amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

BIOLOGIST:
If you love someone, set him free.
He'll evolve.

PSYCHOLOGIST:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, his super ego is dominant.
If he doesn't come back his IQ is supreme.
If he doesn't go, he must be crazy.

SOMNAMBULIST:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, it's a nightmare.
If he doesn't, you must be dreaming.

BANKER:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, it's time to look for fresh loans.
If he doesn't, write him off as an asset gone bad.

BILL GATES:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, I think we can charge him for re-installation fees, but tell him that he's also going to get an upgrade.

ART DIRECTOR/COPYWRITER:
If you love someone, set him free.
If he comes back, malamang may revision!

oh no...

2004-12-29T15:09:00.000-08:00

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!! wala akong mapost ngayon!!! boohuhuhuhu...nweiz, bel8ed meri xmas na lang and a hapi new year....have a nice day! wahekhekhekhekhek!

wala na kami...

2004-12-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

wala na kami...

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong aalalahanin, wala na akong iisipin...

Pero hirap akong matulog sa gabi dahil bumabalik yung mga alaala noong magkasama kami. Naiisip ko kung paano niya hawakan yung kamay ko, yung tipong nagsasabing hindi niya ako iiwanan. Kung pa’no niya ko yakapin, yung nagsasabing lagi niya akong poprotektahan. At kung pa’no niya ako halikan, yung nagsasabing mahal na mahal nya ako.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Hindi na ako iiyak pa...

Pero kapag gabi nagagawa ko pa ring umiyak, dahil nami-miss ko siya. Nami-miss ko yung mga ngiti niyang nakakaloko, mga jokes niyang corny, mga tingin niyang nakakatunaw, tawa niyang nakakabaliw, pangungulit niya sa akin at kung anu-ano pang kapraningan na ginagawa niya. Nami-miss ko yun...

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong tatawagan, hindi na ako magte-text sa kanya, at makakaipon na ako ng pera para sa sarili ko.

Pero sa tuwing hawak ko ang cell phone ko, lagi kong hinahanap ang pangalan niya. Lagi akong nate-tempt na magtext sa kanya, o di naman kaya, tumawag. Nangangati lagi ang darili ko na pindutin ang “Write Message” i-type ang message ko, i-scroll yung button para makita ko yung number niya, at tapos ipe-press ko yung “Send”. O kaya naman, i-scroll ko yung button para mahanap yung name niya tapos ipe-press ko yung “Call”. Kahit na alam ko na mauubos na ang load ko at wala na akong pambili ng credit (dahil kabibigay lang ng nanay ko). Kahit na alam kong hindi naman sya magre-reply at hinding-hindi nya ako tatawagan. At kahit kailan hindi na nya gagawin pang magparamdam.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Magkakaroon na ako ng time para sa sarili ko, sa pamilya ko at sa barkada ko.

Pero sa tuwing lalabas ako ng bahay, kasama man ang pamilya o barkada ko, siya lagi ang naaalala ko, na sana, kasama ko siya ngayon. Magkahawak kamay na namamasyal, naglolokohan, nagkukulitan, at nagtatawanan. Tapos, walang katapusang usapan kung saan kakain ng lunch, kung sa Jollibee, McDo, KFC, o sa Max’s. Kung pupunta ba sa isang game arcade para maglaro ng video games o di kaya naman, kung maglalaro ng basketball,
>bowling or billiards. Tapos, i-hahatid niya ako papauwi sabay nanakawan ng halik habang nasa biyahe.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Hindi na ako magpupuyat sa kakatutok sa computer, aabutin ng madaling-araw kaka-chat sa kanya.

Pero sa tuwing may ise-search ako sa Internet, bubuksan ko ang Yahoo Messenger, MSN Messenger, ICQ, at MIRC dahil baka sakaling dumating siya. Makausap ko man lang, makikipagkulitan uli at baka sakaling magkaliwanagan kami at maibalik ang dating “kami”.

Yehey! Wala na kami. Wala na akong boyfriend, pwede na akong tumingin sa iba at tumanggap ng manliligaw.

Pero sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi na ako magmamahal pa uli. Dahil siya lang ang mahal ko. Siya lang ang nakaka-kumpleto sa araw ko, siya lang yung inspirasyon ko sa mga bagay-bagay. Siya lang yung nakakaintindi sa akin kapag may problema ako. Siya lang yung nakakapagpatahan sa akin kapag umiiyak ako. Siya lang ang buhay ko, siya lang, wala ng iba. {cia p rn hanggang ngyn.. :')

Magmamahal din ako, pero hindi muna ngayon, hindi muna...

loving each other.....

2004-12-10T16:04:00.000-08:00

Don't think in terms of forever. Think of now, and forever will take care of itself. Grow up together, constantly. Expect to invest a great deal of time and energy in your relationship. Lasting relationships don't just happen, they are created. Recognize that all relationships cannot be forever. Recognize their temporary quality, but continue to act as if they are permanent. Respect the other person's relationships apart from you. If they are important to the one you care about, they should be important to you. Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. Take your time. Remove price tags from people. Everyone has worth; the excitement lies in the discovery of their value. Don't be afraid of giving. You can never give too much, if you're giving willingly. Don't feel as if you are required to spend every waking hour with those you love. Move aside from time to time and allow them a separate space too. Never force anyone to do anything for you in the name of love. Love is not to be bargained for. Don't be afraid. Don't overanalyze your relationships. Realize that you always have choices. It's up to you. Remember that a relationship is a pooling of resources. It means that with each relationship you are not only giving, but you are becoming more. Don't allow relationships to burden your heart; rather use it to become more aware and sensitive. Don't smother each other. No one can grow in shade. Don't lose in touch with the craziness in you. This, with a large dose of caring, will assure that your relationship will never be boring. Don't brood. Get on with living and loving. You don't have forever. Don't hold on to anger. they steal your energy and keep you from love. There are times when you want to give up on a relationship but never give up on relating. Learn to listen. You don't learn anything from hearing yourself talk. Expect what is reasonable, not what is perfect. Write down all the reasons why you love each person you relate with. Then, when the going gets tough, take the list out and reread it. It resolves problems quickly. After an argument is over, forget it. Don't become involved in pettiness, ego and childish hurts. Those will only serve to degrade your relationship and prevent closeness. Learn to bend. It's better than breaking. Since love can be created, there is no reason to be loveless. Even though you are only half of a relationship, you must remain a whole person, apart from the relationship. Remember that moral and spiritual values don't restrict, they protect. Don't fall in love with love, you'll die with its complexities. Don't allow your relationships to die of neglect.

how do u know ur inluv?!

2004-12-09T04:27:00.000-08:00

how do u know ur inluv?!

-kung siya na lang ang parati mong iniisip
-kapag iniisip mo na lang parati ang kanyang kaligahayan
-handa mong gawin ang lahat para lang sa kanya
-kapag kumikirot ang yong puso tuwing siya ay iyong nakikitang may kasamang iba pero wala ka naming magagawa dahil di naman kayong dalawa
-kapag ikay nangangatog pag kayo ay magkasama
-kapag di mo lam kung anu ang iyong sasabihin kapag siya ay iyong kasama
-kapag tanggap mo na ang lahat ng kanyang pagkatao
-kapag lahat ng kapintasan sa kanya ay iyong ngustuhan mula sa mga blackheads at pimples, maging siya ay sobrang payat o sobrang taba, sobrang bansot o sobrang laki
-Kapag siya na lang lagi ang lumalabas sa iyong bukang bibig tuwing may ikinukwento ka sa iba
-Kapag napagpapalit mo ang kanyang pangalan sa pangalan ng iba
-Kapag siya na lang parati ang iyong tinatabihan manood man ng cine, kumain sa labas o kahit tumambay lang sa tabitabi
-Kapag pilit mo syang inaantay sa kahit anong occasion
-Kapag kinaibigan mo na lahat ng kaibigan nya
-Kapag kilala na siya ng buo mong barkada kahit di pa siya nakikita na mga ito
-Kapag parati ka na lang umeepal sa kanya
-Kapag di mo sya nilulubayan
-Kapag sinusulat mo ang kanyang pangalan sa iyong kwaderno
-Kapag parati mo siyang pinagmamasdan sa malayo
-Kapag sinusunod mo lahat ang gusto nya
-Kapag pinapansin mo sya parati
-Kapag parati mo syang pinupuri
-Kapag parati kang nagpapapansin sa kanya
-Kapag lagi mo syang pinoprotektahan
-Kapag ayaw mong naririnig ang pangalan nya na nababastos ng iba
-Kapag handa mo syang ipaglaban
-Kapag di ka humihingi sa kanya ng kahit anung kapalit dahil lahat ng ginawa mo para sa kanya ay mula sa puso

The difference between "Somebody you Love" and "Somebody you Like"

2004-12-08T13:25:00.000-08:00

The difference between "Somebody you Love" and "Somebody you Like"

In front of the person you like, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you love, you get happy.

In front of the person you love, winter seems like spring.
But in front of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.

If you look into the eyes of the one you like, you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one you love, you smile.

In front of the person you like, you can't say everything on your
mind.
But in front of the person you love, you can.

In front of the person you like, you tend to get shy.
But in front of the person you love, you can show your own self.

You can't look straight into the eyes of the one you like.
But you can always smile into the eyes of the one you love.

But when the one you like is crying, you end up comforting.
When the one you love is crying, you cry with them.

The feeling of like starts from the ear.
But the feeling of love starts from the eye.

So if you stop liking a person you used to like, all you need to do is
cover your ears.
But if you try to close your eyes, love turns into a drop of tear and
remains in your heart forever ...

2004-12-07T16:18:00.000-08:00

21 things u should remember....

ONE: Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO: Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE: Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR: When you say, "I love you," mean it.

FIVE: When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

SIX: Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN: Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT: Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE: Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN: In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

ELEVEN: Don't judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE: Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN: When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

FOURTEEN: Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN: Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN: When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN: Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN: Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN: When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY: Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

TWENTY-ONE: Spend some time alone.

labuan!

2004-12-02T18:42:00.000-08:00

ANG LABO N'YO MEN!
If you smile at them they think pa-cute ka, if you dont naman, sasabihan kang suplada.
If you respond to his love agad, they think you're easy to get, if it took you years to decide, sobra kang pa-hard to get.
If you go out with him alone, sasabihan kang liberated, kapag may chaperone along, bad trip kasi
madidisturb.
If you go out with another guy, tingin sa'yo playgirl, pag stick ka sa kanya, they'll proclaim you're
dead na dead.
If you ask him where he's been, sasabihan kang over-protective. Pag pinabayaan mo naman they think you're fooling lang.
If you let him kiss you, he thinks you're cheap. If you refuse naman he'll go find another
chick...
Girls are just humans and may mistakes din.And we often wonder bat ANG LABO N'YO MEN?!

ANG LABO N'YO DIN!

If we smile at you, you'll think crush namin kayo. If we don't naman sasabihan kang feeling gwapo.
If you respond to her crush agad, they think you're taking advantage. If it took you years to notice, sobra kang manhid at torpe.
If you go out with her alone, sasabihan kang boring. Kapag may barkada, bad trip kasi barkada pa rin.
If you go out with another gal tingin sa'yo playboy. Pag stick sa kanya they'll proclaim you're dead
na dead.
If you ask her where she's been, sasabihan kang possesssive. Pag pinabayaan mo naman they think you're just fooling lang.
If you kiss her, she thinks you're going too fast. If you don't naman, she'll say you're unromantic...
Boys are just humans and may mistakes din and we often wonder... BAT ANG LABO N'YO DIN?!

types of kisses...

2004-12-01T20:30:00.000-08:00

Below you will find a variety of kiss types. If you find some that catch your fancy, feel free to try them :-)

Butterfly Kiss - With your faces less than a breath away, open and close your eyelids against your partners. If done correctly, the fluttering sensation will match the one in your heart.

Cheek Kiss - A friendly, "I really like you" kiss. Often the preferred kissing method of a first date. With your hands on your partner's shoulders, gently brush your lips across her cheek.

Earlobe Kiss - Gently sip and suck the earlobe. Avoid louder sucking noises as ears are sensitized noise detectors.

Eskimo Kiss - With your faces less than a breath apart, gently rub your noses together.

Eye Kiss - Hold your partner's head with both hands and slowly move their head in the direction you wish your kiss to go... then slowly kiss up towards your partner's eyes and give them a tender kiss on top of their closed eyes.

Eyelid Kiss - While your partner is resting/sleeping with eyes closed, very very gently kiss the spot right below their browbone. A very intimate kiss.

Finger Kiss - While laying together gently suck on their fingers. This can be very seductive and pleasurable.

Foot Kiss - An erotic and romantic gesture. It may tickle, but relax and enjoy it! To give a toe kiss by gently suck the toes and then lightly kissing the foot. It helps to gently massage the base of the foot while performing the kiss.

Forehead Kiss - The "motherly" kiss or "just friends" kiss. The forehead kiss can be a comforting kiss to anyone. Simply brush your lips lightly across the crown of their head.

Freeze Kiss (or Melt Kiss) - Experiment with this fun kiss. Put a small piece of ice in your mouth, then open mouth and kiss your partner, passing them the ice with your tongue. It's an erotic and sensual french kiss with a twist of cold.

French Kiss - The kiss involving the tongue. Some call this the "Soul Kiss" because the life and soul are thought to pass through the mouth's breath in the exchange across tongues. Surprisingly, the French call this "The English Kiss".

Fruity Kiss - Take a small piece of fruit and place between your lips (juicy fruits such as grapes, strawberries, small pieces of pineapple or mango are ideal). Kiss your partner and nibble one half of the piece of fruit while they nibble the other until it breaks in half, allowing the juice to run into your mouths.

Hand Kiss - Gently raise her hand to your lips. Lightly brush your lips across the top of her hand. Historically this kiss was performed with a bow, which showed deference to a lady.

Hickey Kiss - The object is not to draw blood, but to gently leave a mark that will prove your interlude was not a dream. This is often included in erotic foreplay.

Hostage Kiss - Cover your lips with tape and get your love's attention. When they come near, make noises like you're trying to tell them something and motion as if you can't get the tape off. Once they remove the tape from you to hear what you're trying to say tell them: "I've been saving my lips all day just for you!" Then kiss your love passionately!

Hot and Cold Kiss - Lick your partner's lips so that they're warm, and then gently blow on them. The sudden cold blast makes for a sensual explosion, and they will often try it on you next, as well as get very passionate.

Mistletoe Kiss - Surprise your lover by capturing them with a gentle holiday kiss under the mistletoe. This is also a good method for shyer individuals to steal a kiss from a potential lover.

Letter Kiss - Send your lover a kiss in a love letter by writing the letter x several times in a row at the bottom of a letter such as XXXXX.

Lick Kiss - Just before kissing, gently run your tongue along you partners lip whether it be the top or bottom one depending on the position of your lips. Very sensual.

Lip Sucking Kiss - When kissing gently suck on their lower lip. This can be very exciting.

Neck Nibble Kiss - Gently nibble up and down your partners neck. End with a gentle kiss on the lips.

Nip Kiss - This kiss can create a very erotic sensation. While kissing your partner, ever so gently nibble on their lips. You must be very careful not to bite to hard or hurt your partner. When done correctly, this kiss ignites wonderful sensations.

Reverse Lips Kiss - It involves standing above your lover and kissing them from over their head. This way, each kisser can take the hyper-sensitive bottom lip of their lover in their mouths, and GENTLY draw blood to the surface of the lip by nibbling and sucking. A very sensuous, connecting kiss.

Searching The Cavern - Use the lips and tongue to gently tickle and kiss your lover's navel. Vary speeds and stroke to change sensation. Invigorating and intoxicating.

Shoulder Kiss - Simply come from behind, embrace her, and kiss the top of her shoulder. This is a sensual, loving kiss.

Sip Kiss - Take a small sip of your favorite drink. Leaving a little bit of it on your lips, kiss your partner. It is a unique way to create a sensual feeling and your partner will enjoy it.

Talking Kiss - Whisper sweet nothings into your partner's mouth. If caught in the act, simply say as Chico Marx, "I wasn't kissing her. I was whispering into her mouth."

Teaser Kiss - Starting on the forehead, a sweet short kiss on lips, then move up the arms up to her hand, kiss her hand, then come back up her arm, to her face and then lightly kiss her lips till she wants a passionate kiss.

The Buzzing Kiss - Gently place your lips against your lover's neck , behind their ear. Now, send a shudder through their skin by gently growling and humming, vibrating your lips and cheeks as you do so. Move up and down the neck, over the bones of the face and lips. Stimulating and erotic when done correctly.

The Whipped Cream Kiss - Dip your finger into some cool whip or whipped cream of your choice. Lick it off slowly, then embrace your partner and kiss them deeply letting their tongue slip over yours for a wonderfully sweet kiss. It's very seductive and passionate.

Tiger Kiss - Quietly sneak up behind your partner making sure they do not know what you are going to do. Out of the blue, grab them and gently bite their neck. Make sure to get a few good growls in too. This will surely surprise them.

Trickle Kiss - Take a sip of a favourite drink and trickle it slowly into partner's mouth while kissing.

Tongue Sucking - A variation of the French kiss. During an open-mouth kiss gently suck on your partner's tongue (not too hard because it may hurt). Very sexy :-)

Quickie Kiss - When you're in a rush. Often the nose gets it rather than the lips.

Vacuum Kiss - While kissing open-mouthed, slightly suck in as if you were sucking the air from your partners mouth. This is a playful kiss.

Wake Up Kiss - Before your partner awakes lean over and kiss their cheek and move over giving soft kisses until you reach their lips. Definitely a more than pleasant way to wake up!

when u know

2004-11-30T20:17:00.000-08:00

when you know, that you know, who you LOVE, you can't deny it. don't go back, DON'T GIVE UP, or pretend, that you don't buy it.

when it's clear this time you, found the one, you NEVER LET HER GO. coz you know, and you know, that you know.

when you feel, in your skin, in your bones, from the hollow of your heart, there's no way, you can wait 'til tomorrow.

when there isn't any doubt about it, once you come this close.coz you know, and you know, that you know.

you can feel, love's around you, like the sky, around the moon.this is how LOVE HAS FOUND YOU, and you know what to do.

when you know, that you know, who you need, you can't deny it. don't go back, don't give up, or pretend that you don't buy it, when it's clear this time, you found the one, you never let her go. coz you know, when you know, and you know,and this time, i'll come out from the cold,coz you know, and you know, that you know.

cno ba talaga?

2004-11-29T20:20:00.000-08:00

sino ba ang mas mahalaga, ang taong
mahal mo
o ang taong gusto mong
mahalin?

ang taong kasama mo buong araw o ang
taong
iniicip mo bago matapos ang
araw?

siya bang kasakasama mo sa lhat ng
ginagawa
mo o siyang dahilan ng
lahat ng galaw at ginagawa mo?

sino ba ang mas mhalaga...ung taong nais
mong
makasama habang buhay o
ung taong hindi mo makita ang habang
buhay
kapag wala cya?

cno ang mas matimbang...ung taong pag
kasama
mo'y parang kay bilis ng
oras o ung taong tuwing iniicp mo'y parang
kay
bagal ng oras?

ano ang susundin mo...ang dinidikta mo sa
puso
mo o ang dinidikta ng
puso mo syo?

sya ba un laging pumapasok sa icp mo o cya
un
laging laman ng panaginip
mo?

cno nga ba...ang taong hindi nagpaluha syo, o ang
taong nagpunas sa minsang pagluha mo?

cno sa kanila...ang taong nagpapatawa syo o
ang
taong dahilan ng lahat
ng iyong emosyon?

cno nga bang pipiliin mo??? ANG TAONG
MULING NAGBUKAS NG PUSO MO...O
ANG TAONG MATAGAL NG NANDOON????

Friends or Best Friends ?

2004-11-28T09:40:00.000-08:00

Friends or Best Friends ?

Friend: calls your parents by mr. and mrs.
Best friend: calls your parents mom and dad.

Friend: has never seen you cry
Best friend: has always had the best shoulder to cry on

Friend: never asks for anything to eat or drink
Best friend: opens the fridge and makes herself at home

Friend: asks you to write down your number.
Best friend: they ask you for their number cuz they can't remember it!

Friend: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
Best friend: has a closet full of your stuff

Friend: only knows a few things about you
Best friend: could write a biography on your life story

Friend: will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing
Best friend: will always go with you

love

2004-11-27T20:39:00.000-08:00

There was a time in my life I became afraid to fall in love. Because every time I fell in love, I got hurt. I thought maybe that's why it's called "falling" in love. I would give my all, loving deeply and wholeheartedly. It would be a truly emotional, extremely euphoric experience. I would be dreaming about the object of my affection all day and all night, imagining good times together, thinking of what I can do or buy for him to show how much I care. I would feel light as a feather, energized and excited, literally blooming with the joy I feel inside. Then somehow things would go wrong and my whole world would crash.

Disappointment. Resentment. Anger. Pain. Why? Can we not love without feeling pain? Is it really a price to pay for all the happiness we feel when we are in love? Should we just accept that because we love, we risk getting hurt? It was only after many years of soul-searching and reading inspirational writings that I realized that we can love without getting hurt. Only recently did I understand what unconditional love is all about.

Love is one of the most powerful forces in the universe. It is the fire that burns inside, the essence of being. Love is the source of all our comfort and contentment. It is a precious gift that defines our purpose in life. If we keep in mind that we can indeed preserve its true meaning, we can love to the fullest and be happy the rest of our lives. Accept that other people express love differently.

How do you express love? You say "I love you" three times a day, kiss and embrace as often as you can, you never forget anniversaries, you always prepare his favorite dishes. How does he express his love? He rarely says "I love you", he seldom kisses you, he forgets your birthday and anniversaries/ monthsaries, and he doesn't know how to cook. But he works overtime, walks the dog, takes out the garbage, takes you to movies, and calls you "honey". He probably loves you more than you can imagine, he just shows it differently. If you can accept that then you will have a healthier perspective of your relationship.

Derive happiness from giving love. When you love, do it because you want to. There is an indescribable joy in loving. Just give it. And cherish satisfaction in having given someone something of yourself. It's like giving a gift. Whether it s appreciated or not, find joy in simply giving. Love without expecting anything in return. This is where pain comes in... when you demand something in return for the love you give. You are setting yourself up for disappointment because love cannot always be reciprocal.

Love between two people can never be of the same intensity at the same time and place. No matter how much your partner loves you, she will never be able to fill all your needs all the time. And you will be in the worst situation if you believe you should love only when you are sure to receive equal love in return. You will be waiting in misery forever. Love now. The past is gone and the future is just a dream. All of yesterday's aches and pains, as well as the loves and laughter, are mere memories. Let them go. Fantasies and worries are for a future that may never come. Don't dwell on them. Live now. Give love now. Do it now and enjoy it now.

That is the secret of genuine contentment. Throw away those destructive habits. When you insist upon yourself that you always have to be in control, that you always have to be right, that others must always please you, you put yourself in a very tight spot. Loving relationships are flexible, dynamic, and evolving. Leave room for change and interaction. Allow for new behavior and learning experiences. When we welcome these into our lives, we open ourselves to sharing more love and affection and less frustration and pain. Yes, you will say that unconditional love is easier said than done. I agree. especially when we have always believed that love is give and take. But try believing that love is simply giving. And you will be surprised that a lot of it, even more, actually comes back to you.

ur zodiac and the way u kiss

2004-11-26T20:36:00.000-08:00

ur zodiac and the way u kiss

Aries
Your kisses are quick and passionate fits of lustful pleasure that are there and then gone.
Taurus
Your kisses linger; they are deliberate heartfelt and they can go on and on and on.
Gemini
Your kisses are interrupted by spasms of giggles, smiles and funny observations.
Cancer
Your kisses are warm and tender, and you never want to let them go.
Leo
Your kisses are wild and uninhibited, biting and clawing; you expect applause for your performance.
Virgo
Your kisses are so subtle and tidy, your lover only notices them once you've finished.
Libra
You're too busy worrying about your breath to really get into your kisses.
Scorpio
You skip the kiss and get straight to whatever comes next for you.
Sagittarius
Your kisses are surprising, spontaneous affairs that leave the kissed wanting more.
Capricorn
Your kisses are intense moments of sublime relief from the stress of your day.
Aquarius
Your kisses are wet and messy, and you tend to keep your eyes open.
Pisces
Your kisses are starry-eyed, amorous and long-lasting.

the hardest thing in love

2004-11-25T07:35:00.000-08:00

the hardest thing in love

1. Flashing your smile to someone you don't want to see.
2. Bringing back the feeling you've learned to forget.
3. Showing that you care.
4. Finding a way to mend a broken heart.
5. Learning that you've been used by someone you truly love.
6. Saying "i love you" when you mean it and when you don't.
7. Letting go of a person you've just learned to love.
8. Realizing that you love somebody you've just taken for granted.
9. Realizing that you love the person you've just broken up with.
10. Waiting for promises you know he/she will never keep.
11. Saying your love for someone who loves somebody else.
12. Reminiscing the good times you shared together.
13. Shielding your heart to love somebody.
14. Trying to hide what you really feel.
15. Having a commitment w/ someone that you know would not last.
16. Trying to hide the tears that involuntarily fall from your eyes.
17. Sharing the one you love w/ someone else.
18. Loving a person too much.
19. Giving up someone you never thought of giving up.
20. Falling in love for the first time.
21. Loving someone you haven't seen.
22. Having the right love at the wrong time.
23. Exerting effort to make the relationship last or work.
24. Not being appreciated when you know you've given your best.
25. Taking the risk to fall in love again.
26. Hiding your relationship from someone else.
27. Controlling your feelings to avoid hurting a friend.
28. Choosing between 2 persons whom you really love.
29. Finding out that you can never have the person you just let go of back.
30. Seeing the person you love with someone else.

Loving involves two phases.
The first intuitive one is loving the person because of who he/she is.
The second nobler one is loving the person despite of who he/she is not.
The first one sparks love.
The second one makes it last.

greatest pain in life

2004-11-24T20:56:00.000-08:00

The greatest pain in life is not to die, but to be ignored.To lose the person you love so much to another who doesn't care at all. To have someone you care so about so much throw a party... and not tell you about it. When your favorite person on earth neglects to invite you to his graduation. To have people think that you don't care. The greatest pain in life, is not to die, but to be forgotten. To be left in the dust after another's great achievement. To never get a call from a friend, just saying "hi". When you show someone your innermost thoughts and they laugh in your face. For friends to always be too busy to console you when you need someone to lift your spirits. When it seems like the only person who cares about you, is you. Life is full of pain, but does it ever get better? Will people ever care about each other, and make time for those who are in need? Each of us has a part to play in this great show we call life. Each of us has duty to mankind to tell our friends we love them. If you do not care about your friends you will not be punished. You will simply be ignored... forgotten... as you have done to others.

25 Things to Spot to know you got Mr. Perfect

2004-11-23T20:31:00.000-08:00

25 Things to Spot to know you got Mr. Perfect

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respect your independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know when to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally
like to
do,just b/c he knows it means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each
others
company, even when his friends are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor.
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason.

you're in love

2004-11-22T20:50:00.000-08:00

when you are together with that special someone, you pretend to ignore that person. but when that special someone is not around, you might look around to find them. at that moment, you are in love.

although there is someone else who always makes you laugh, your eyes and attention might go only to that special someone. then, you are in love.

although that special someone was supposed to have called you long back, to let you know of their safe arrival, your phone is quiet. you are desperately waiting for the call!
At that moment, you are in love.

if you are much more excited for one short e-mail from from that special someone than other many long e-mails, you are in love.

when you find yourself as one who cannot erase all the messages in your answering machine because of one message from that special someone, you are in love.

when you get a couple of free movie tickets, you would not hesitate to think of that special someone. then, you are in love.

you keep telling yourself, "that special someone is just a friend" but you realize that you can not avoid that person's special attraction. at that moment, you are in love.

hinding hindi

2004-11-20T22:15:00.000-08:00

Noong teenager pa lang ako sabi ng mga barkada ko na playgirl daw ako, isang flirt, talandiday. Inaamin ko naman na noon, parang laro lang ang salitang love sa akin. Pakiramdam ko kasi madami pang panahon para sa mga bagay-bagay na yan. Madami na din akong naging boyfriend at ni halos walang tumagal ng kalahating taon. Kasi nga bata pa ako, teenager pa nga lang daw.
Pero nung nakilala kita, hindi na ako teenager nun. Alam na alam ko na kung ano ang tama at mali. Hindi na din ako masyadong nakikipag flirt sa kung sinong cute na makilala ko. Nag mature na yata ako. Nagkaron na ako ng mga standards, ng mga ideals. At isa sa mga standards ko pag dating sa relationships ay kailangan everything is for real.

Biglang nauso ang Internet, natuto na akong mag-chat. At madami akong nababalitaan na mga nagkakatuluyan sa ganitong paraan. Sinabi ko noon sa sarili ko na hinding-hindi ako papasok sa ganung klaseng relasyon. Hinding-hindi. Hinding-hindi.

Sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon nagkakilala tayo. Chatmate ka kasi ng best friend ko at sa tuwing ikukuwento ka niya halos tumirik ang mga mata nya sa kakiligan. Tuwang-tuwa at aliw na aliw sya sa iyo. Sabi nya lahat daw ng hirit mo patok na patok, palagi mo daw syang pinapatawa at parang nai-in love na daw sya sa iyo. Napapailing pa ako nung sinabi ko sa kaibigan ko na hinding-hindi ako susuot sa ganyan kagulong relasyon. Hinding-hindi.

Hindi ko na din alam kung ano ang kinahinatnan ninyong dalawa ng kaibigan ko. Ang huling balita ko meron ka naman daw palang girlfriend.

Makalipas ang halos isang taon, sino pa nga ba ang nakasalubong ko sa isang chatroom kundi ikaw. Kuwentuhang katakot-takot kahit na hindi naman tayo talaga close. Hiningan mo ako ng picture at nagpadala ka din ng picture mo. Nung unang beses kitang nakita sabi ko sa sarili ko, “Hmmm…not bad.”

Sa kung anong dahilan, nawalan na naman tayo ng communication. Kasi sa totoo lang hindi talaga ako interesado sa iyo. Kahit na cute ka, kahit na nakakatawa ka, ewan ko at saka feeling ko naman hindi mo din ako type.

Isang taon pa ang lumipas, sa chatroom ulit, meron akong nakausap na guy. Nakakainis, mayabang, pa-cool effect kahit hindi naman. Sabi nya papadalahan nya daw ako ng picture nya, nagpadala nga sya kaso group picture. At sino pa nga ba ang nakita ko sa litratong iyon, kundi ikaw. Ikaw na ikaw yun, hindi ako pwedeng magkamali. Meron kang katabi na sexy na babae, mukhang masaya ka naman. Sabi ko sa kausap ko na kilala kita, kapatid pala nya yung katabi mo, yung girlfriend mo. Pinagbintangan pa nga nya akong girlfriend mo sa net at sinabi pa nyang isusumbong ka nya sa kapatid nya.

Isipin mo halos tatlong taon simula nung unang beses kitang nakilala, naisipan kong i-email ka. Kasi nga akala ko isusumbong ka na sa girlfriend mo. At simula nun halos araw araw gabi gabi na tayong magkausap sa Internet. Minsan kulang pa ang usap sa Yahoo Messenger, madalas tinatawagan mo pa ako pagkatapos nating mag log-out, madalas kinakantahan at ginigitarahan sa telepono. Tama ang kaibigan ko masaya ka ngang kausap.

Dumating sa punto na sinabi ko sa iyo na siguro mas mabuti kung babawasan natin ang dalas ng pag-uusap natin. Tinanong mo ako kung bakit. Hindi ko naman alam kung bakit iyon ang sinagot ko pero sinabi kong nahuhulog na ako sa iyo. Sinabi ko yun kahit alam kong hindi naman totoo yun, kahit tumataas ang balahibo ko habang sinasabi ko sa iyo yun. Kaya ang laking gulat ko na lang nung sinabi mo na mahal mo na din yata ako. At aaminin kong hindi ko na inexpect ang mga sumunod na pangyayari.

Minahal kita ng higit pa sa kaninong lalaking nakilala ko. Sumaya ako, nakuntento. Parang hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga nangyayari sa akin, sa atin. Lumalim ang pagsasamahan natin, madaming mga bagay na nagagawa nating sabihin sa isa't isa na hindi natin masabi sa iba. Ramdam ko, mahal na talaga kita....akala ko nga tayo na talaga eh.

Pero kahit halos picture-perfect na ang lahat-lahat, bigla akong lumayo. Kahit masakit pinilit ko. Dahil alam kong mali, dahil alam kong ikakasal ka na. Hindi lang isang beses mong binago ang date ng kasal ninyo. Kahit minsan hindi kita pinigilan. Kahit minsan hindi kita pinapili. Ilang araw bago ka ikasal tinawagan mo ako, pinipilit mo akong papiliin ka. Umiiyak ako sa kabilang linya habang sinasabing: “Ano ka ba, sira cold feet lang yan, alam mo at alam kong yan ang tama.”

Kinasal tayo. Ikaw sa kanya, ako sa iba. Matapos ng tatlo pang taon, heto na naman tayo. Nagtagpo na naman ang landas natin. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko, dahil hanggang ngayon mahal pa din kita. Hindi na ako teenager. Dapat alam ko na kung ano ang tama at kung ano ang mali. Dapat mas matured na ako. Dapat mag stick ako sa mga standards ko, sa mga ideals ko. Dahil minsan di ba sinabi kong, “Hinding-hindi…hinding-hindi…”

At kahit papano, tama ako....hinding-hindi...hinding-hindi kita makakalimutan....kahit kailan...hinding-hindi.

ang gago at ang tanga

2004-11-19T22:06:00.000-08:00

"It was nice talking to you again."
Iyon ang huli niyang sinabi before we hung up on
the phone last night. Right after his phone call,
tinext ko agad ang mga barkada ko para ikuwento
ang nangyari. Hanggang ngayon, nangingiti pa rin
ako kapag naaalala ko ang conversation namin
kagabi. It has been two years since we last talked
on the phone. At mahigit isang taon ko na rin
siyang hindi nakikita pero, thinking of him still
makes me feel so good. Siya si Gian, ang aking
Mr. Could Have Been, ang isang malaking "What
If" sa buhay ko.
Nagkakilala kami sa birthday ng barkada ko, four
years ago. Hindi ako naniniwala sa love at first
sight pero unang kita ko pa lang sa kanya,
nagkaroon na agad ako ng interest. Pero hindi ko
pinahalata, hindi ko rin pinansin. Suplada nga daw
ang dating ko noon sabi niya. Natuwa ako noong
tumabi siya sa akin habang nag-iinuman na ang
mga tao. Tapos,nakipag-usap siya sa akin.
Nagkuwentuhan na kami. Hanggang alas-sais ng
umaga. Nung n ag-uwian na, inamin ko na sa sar!
ili ko na crush ko siya. Kahit na hindi siya ang tipo
ko. Gusto ko kasi noon ng maitim, saka yung
medyo bad boy ang dating. Eh siya, ang kinis ng
kutis. Ang puti pa. Tapos, hindi siya umiinom,
hindi naninigarilyo. Daig ko pa nga eh.
After a few days, binalita sa akin ng barkada ko
na kinumusta daw ako ni Gian, at hiningi daw niya
ang pager number ko. Hindi ako nagpa-obvious
na kinilig. In fact, dedma lang ako. Pero after a
few days, nahalata din ako ng mga barkada
ko. "in love ka, no?" hirit nung isa. Inamin ko rin na
crush ko si Gian.
Naging close kami ni Gian. Gumigimik ng sabay
barkada namin. At kahit hindi siya umiinom,
sumasama siya sa inuman. Juice nga lang ang
inoorder nya. O kaya Cali Ice.
Tinutukso na ako ng mga barkada ko sa kanya.
Sabi nila, baka siya na may kakaiba daw sa kilos
niya tuwing magkakasama kami. They said he
was perfect for me. Akala ko rin.
Minu-minuto kung mag-page sya sa akin. Tin
atawagan nya ako gabi-gabi. Alam na niya
kuwento ng buhay ko. Ikinuwento nya rin sa akin
lahat ng past girlfriends nya. Nung unang usap
naming, tinanong nya ako kung ano hanap ko sa
lalaki. Sinabi niya rin kung ano ideal girl niya.
Basta kailangan daw,marunong magluto ung
magiging girl friend niya. Tapos, bigla niya akong
tinanong kung marunong ako magluto. Nung time
na yun, prito lang ang alam kong lutuin. Sana
tanungin nya uli ako ngayon. Proud kong
sasabihin na masarap akong mag-adobo,
sinigang, escabeche, atbp.
We were each other's last call of the day. Minsan,
nanonood kami ng TV ng sabay at hindi na nag-
uusap, pero hindi namin binababa ang phone.
Mag-uusap kami kapag commercial break. Kung
wala nang magandang palabas, makikinig kami
sa iisang radio station. Tapos, unahan sa paghula
ng title ng kanta. Or sasabayan namin ang mga
kanta sa radyo. Gabi-gabi, inaabot kami ng
madaling araw sa telepono. Pero hindi ako
nagsasawa. Parang hindi kumpleto araw
kapag hindi siya tumatawag. Kinikilig mga
kaibigan ko para sa akin. Finally,may nahanap na
daw ako matinong lalake. Iyung naging boyfriend
ko kasi, asshole.
Tapos, ung mga nanligaw sa akin, walang
kuwenta. Ang problema, hindi naman nanligaw si
Gian eh. Wala naman siyang sinabi. Pero
madalas niyang sabihin na torpe siya. Na hindi
daw niya masabi sa girl na gusto nya ito. Lalo na
at kaibigan daw niya yung girl. Baka masira daw
friendship nila. Baka hanggang friends lang daw
tingin sa kanya noong babae. Kaya sana daw,
magbigay ng hint yung babae. Tinanong ko siya
kung anong hint ang kailangan niya.Kasibaka
nagbibigay na ng hint yung girl, hindi niya
napapansin dahil ibang signs ang hinihintay niya.
Kaya sabi ko, mas maganda kung aminin niya.
Ang problema, hindi nga raw niya maamin!
Dahil sa sinabi niya, umasa ako. Naghintay. Baka
nato-torpe lang siya kaya hindi niya maamin sa
akin. Kaya on my end, gumagawa ako ng way
para maipakita na gusto ko siya. Kapag nag-
page siya at nagpa-return call, kahit naka cell
phone ako, or kahit nasa probinsiya, tinatawagan
ko siya. Ngunit wala pa rin siyang sinasabi.
Minsan, naikuwento niya na may bago daw siyang
favorite song. Tinanong ko kung ano. Sabi niya,
kakantahin na lang daw niya. Tapos, he started
singing This Guy's in Love with You. Muntik na
akong mahulog sa upuan ko.
Isang araw, I confronted him. Tinanong ko siya
kung bakit niya ako tinatawagan gabi-gabi. Sinabi
ko pa na tawag siya ng tawag, wala naman
nangyayari. Pinupuyat niya lang ako. Hindi siya
nakasagot agad. Natakot ako bigla sa sasabihin
niya kaya binawi ko. Sinabi ko na siguro wala
siyang ibang kaibigan at naghahanap siya kausap
kaya n iya ako tinatawagan. Sabi niya marami!
daw siya kaibigan. Pero kung gusto ko, dare ko
daw siya na hindi tumawag sa akin ng one week.
Dinare ko nga. Kinabukasan, tumawag siya uli.
Hindi ako natiis ng mokong!
Naalala ko ung unang away namin. Nagkuwento
siya tungkol sa girl nanakilala niya. Tapos, nag-
date daw sila. Mga kalahating minuto yata siya
nag-litanya tungkol dun sa babaeng nakilala niya.
Hindi ako nagpahalata na nagseselos ako. Pero
sa loob-loob ko, bwiset ka. Nakikipag-date ka
pala sa iba.Nung kinumusta niya ako, binalita ko
na nagkita kami nung ex ko nung high school. At
lumabas kami. Hindi pa ako tapos magsalita,
bigla siyang nagpaalam. Inaantok na daw siya.
Gusto ko siyang awayin. Siya lang ba may
karapatan mag-kuwento? Pero binaba ko na lang
ang phone. Maya-maya, tumawag siya uli. Bakit
ko daw siya binagsakan ng telepono. At kung galit
daw ba ako.
Nagtanong pa siya!
Pero naisip ko, nagselos kaya siya kaya ayaw
niyang makinig sa kuwento ko? I took that as a
sign. Kaya sa tuwing nag-uusap kami, pinapasok
ko sa usapan
ang ex ko, o ung crush ko sa office, o ung
masugid kong manliligaw. Baka sakaling ma-
threaten at mapaamin na kung meron man siyang
gusting aminin.
Pero wala. Lumipas ang mga buwan at wala pa
rin siyang sinasabi. Nagsawa na ako sa
kahihintay. Siguro, wala nga siyang gusto sa akin
at nag-i-ilusyon lang ako. Siguro, binibigyan ko
lang ng ibang kahulugan ang mga ginagawa niya.
So I started avoiding him. I didn't take his calls. I
was always out,or asleep, or busy. I would always
have an excuse for not talking to him.
Minsan, tumawag siya, roommate ko ang
sumagot, sabi ng roommate ko, wala pa ako.
Tawag siya uli after 15 minutes, iyong isang
roommate ko nakasagot, sinabi niya tulog na ako.
Doon niya nahalata na pinagtataguan ko
siya.Tinanong niya ako kung bakit ko siya
pinagtataguan. Sabi ko di ko siya pinagtataguan.
Pero na-gets na niya un. So he stopped calling.
Nabalitaan ko na lang, nanligaw siya sa ibang
babae. Pero basted siya. Maraming babae pa
ang na-link sa kanya. Mga tatlo yata o apat. Pero
hindi naman niya nagiging girlfriend. Doon ko lang
na-realize, siguro nga kaibigan lang tingin niya sa
akin. Eh hindi naman pala siya torpe eh. Kita mo
nga,marunong pala siyang manligaw. Binasted
nga lang sya. Pero niligawan niya.Binigyan niya
ng bulaklak. At nagtapat siya ng feelings. Eh ako,
chocolate chip cookies lang ang naibigay niya sa
akin. At wala siyang direct na sinabi.
Okay na sana ako dun eh. Natanggap ko na na
nag -iilusyon lang ako at wala talag! a siyang
gusto sa akin. Pero minsan, tinawagan niya ako
uli.Nagkumustahan kami. Hindi pa raw niya
nahahanap ang tamang babae para sa kanya.
Tapos, nagkuwento siya na meron daw siya
gustong ligawan noon. Aaminin na daw niya sana,
kaya lang, lagi daw nagkukuwento yung girl
tungkol sa ibang lalake. Kaya nawalan siya ng
lakas ng loob na umamin. Kasi daw, mukhang
wala siyang pag-asa dun sa babae. Napag-isip
tuloy ako doon. Ako ba yun???
Tagal na rin naming di nagkita o nagkausap. Mga
two years nga, bago iyong kagabi. Kapag
gumigimik ako kasama mga kaibigan niya,
umaasa akong darating siya pero hindi ko siya
nakikita. Kung magkita man kami, hindi na kami
tulad ng dati. Siguro, nagkahiyaan na. Iyong
kuwentuhan nga namin kagabi, napaka-babaw.
Hindi na gaya ng dati. Nagbago na nga yata kami.
Ang nagagawa nga naman ng dalawang taon.
Sometimes, I would ask myself what went wrong.
We started off so well. We were enjoying each
other's company. Siguro nagsimula ang p!
roblema noong nag-e-expect na ako ng
something mula sa kanya,nung na-misinterpret ko
ang kabaitan at pagiging friendly niya. Hindi
naman talaga ako sigurado sa feelings niya para
sa akin, di ba? Puro akala lang. Puro hinala.
Siguro kung hindi ako nainip, at naghintay lang
ako, baka nagkaroon siya ng lakas ng loob.
Siguro, naging kami na. Sabi ng roommate ko,
hintayin ko na lang daw. Kung talagang kami, in
the end, kami. Wala pa rin kasing girlfriend si
Gian. Wala rin akong boyfriend ngayon. Pero hindi
ko na mamadaliin. Si Harry at si Sally nga, it took
them twelve years to realize their love for each
other. Kung tatawag siya uli, at magiging tulad
kami ng dati, fine. Pero kung hindi? siguro
hanggang doon na lang talaga kami. Forever na
siyang mananatiling Mr. Could Have Been.

may dalawang klase lang ng tao sa mundo
ang gago at tanga
ang gago ay yung nagmamahal kahit di naman
sha pinapansin nung isa
at eto naman ang tanga na hindi man lang
mapansin na may nagmamahal sa kanya
parang ako, gago
sana ikaw, hindi tanga ....

when you know....

2004-11-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

when you know, that you know, who you LOVE, you can't deny it. don't go back, DON'T GIVE UP, or pretend, that you don't buy it.

when it's clear this time you, found the one, you NEVER LET HER GO. coz you know, and you know, that you know.

when you feel, in your skin, in your bones, from the hollow of your heart, there's no way, you can wait 'til tomorrow.

when there isn't any doubt about it, once you come this close.
coz you know, and you know, that you know.

you can feel, love's around you, like the sky, around the moon.
this is how LOVE HAS FOUND YOU, and you know what to do.

when you know, that you know, who you need, you can't deny it. don't go back, don't give up, or pretend that you don't buy it, when it's clear this time, you found the one, you never let her go. coz you know, when you know, and you know,

and this time, i'll come out from the cold,coz you know, and you know, that you know.

letting go.....

2004-11-17T19:17:00.001-08:00

1. I walk on the road, there's a hole on the
sidewalk, I fall, I'm lost and depressed. It is not my
fault, and it takes me plenty of time and energy to
climb out.

2. I walk on the same road, there's a hole on the
sidewalk, I pretend I don't see it, I fall in again, I'm
in disbelief that I make the same mistake. But it is
not my fault, and it still takes me mass time and
energy to climb out.

3. I walk on the same road, there's a hole on the
sidewalk, I see it there, I fall in again but my eyes
are open. It is my fault, I climb out immediately.

4. I walk on the same road, there's a hole on the
sidewalk, I go around it.

5. I walk on a different road.

Persistence -- Is it good? Is it bad? Most times we
realize early on relationships we know we should
or should not get ourselves into, but sometimes
we still get into them and we have a hard time
getting out, and we bring ourselves pain and
suffering. The simplest road to take is one that's
called "Letting Go". Once you learn to let it go,
your mind will be open and your heart will truly be
satisfied.

2004-11-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

Below is the winning piece in the latest contest sa
UP Creative writing contest. This really worth-
reading..

its been 4 months since i saw him and talagang
namimiss ko na siya... pero what can i do? it
seems that i have loved the wrong person.... but
still the pain keeps on hurting me and kung walang
magbibigay ng gamot para dito sa
nararamdaman ko.... baka mamatay na ako....

to give you a background about my life, everthing
seems to be fine except dun sa time na dumating
na sa buhay ko yung hinayupak na lalake na yon....
hehehehe.... kung curious kayo about dun sa guy...
bestfriend ko po yon kaso lang iba na ang
nangyari as time passes by.....

classmate ko sya nung highschool. pards pa nga
ang tawagan namen.... o db ang sweet? di na ako
iba sa kanya and ganon na ren sya sa aken....
kung di nga lang ako naging babae baka naiuwi
na ako nun sa bahay nila and baka lahat ng
gawaing pang brusko eh ipagawa na nun sa ken
eh..... pero cyempre mukha pa ren naman akong
babae noh!!

highskul cyempre may prom.... wala cyang date,
wla ren ako.... i know that he wanted to invite me
to be his date pero ang ogag nga kasi nun kaya
the last minute tsaka lang sya nag-ask. he went to
our house... nakamotor po sya and medyo
pawisan pero infairness.... mabango pa ren....

he ask my permission to see my dress for the
prom.... cyempre para maloka sya sa aken at may
konting surprise... i refuse.... o sige, medyo na
frustrate sya pero hindi yon naging hadlang para
invite nya ko.... sa ganda ko na to..... cyempre ang
dami munang pa-echeng.... hanggang sa tanungin
nya ako kung may date na ba me.... e kung di ba
naman siya abnormal eh.... papayag ba akong
makipagdate sa iba eh sya lang ang gusto ko....
lam mo yon... sarap sampalin.... so in short, papilit
pa ba ako? syempre.....

the night of my life came, i was so pretty sabi ng
nang-uuto kong nanay... pero naniwala lang ako
nang sya na ang nagsabi.... blush ako ever.... kahit
alam kong maganda ako since birth(hehehehe)
iba pa ren yung sa kanya galing diba?

we enjoyed that night and lalo ko lang
napatunayan sa sarili ko na mahal ko na pala ang
hinayupak na bestfrend ko...... syempre ano pa ba
ang sunod na event sa prom kundi ang graduation
na db? the night before the graduation, we talked
on the phone na para bang it would be the last
time na maririnig namen ang boses ng isat-isa.....
ive waited for the moment na mabanggit nya na
may feelings din sya and hindi naman ako
nagkamali.... tinanong nya ako kung may
possibilty daw na maging kame.... i know na
maiinis kayo sa ken dahil alam nyo ba ang sagot
ko? ah, eh.... hindi pwede kase bestfrends tayo
eh.... yung mga anak na lang naten yung ipag-
partner naten.... sa isip-isip ko.... ang tanga! pano
ko nasabi ang ganong words? pero wala na
akong magagawa..... alangan namang bawiin ko
pa eh di nahuli naman ako db? pero ang tanga ko
talga....

cyempre college na.... im so proud to say na
napunta naman ako sa magandang school and
take note... pareho kame ng skul..... ano to?
kailangan bang ituloy ang naudlot na
pagmamahalan namen?.... hehehe...
nagkaboyfriend ako for a year and a half....
minahal ko sya pero there are these conflicts and
problems na di na kayang ayusin.... in short....
nagbreak kame.....

i guess god meant that to happen kasi yon din
yung time na nagkita kame ng bestfrend ko..... sa
sobrang miss namen ang isa't-isa.... sabay na
kameng umuwi, kumain, pumasok..... im happy
pero parang lalo ko lang pinahirapan ang sarili ko
dahil my feelings for that guy grows each and
everytime that we are together... buti na lang
magaling akong magtago at magpigil.... hehehe....
bilib kayo noh?.....

one morning, im so busy preparing my project that
would be pass on that same day.... alam kong
dumating na sya at nasa likuran ko na ang
mokong pero dahil sobrang pressure sa project....
gusto ko man syang dambahan... cyempre
mamayang gabi na lang di ba? hehehe.... di ko
sya masyadong napansin..... may inabot syang
sulat sa aken and he asked if i could join him sa
lunch.... i said yes.... then, alis na cya.... alam
naman kc nyang im busy.....

when i was about to enter the room, somebody
bumped me and my precious project fell... gusto
ko mang magalet... what can i do db? instead i
ask my prof to give me another chance to do my
project.... naalala ko si mokong.... the lunch date....
kinuha ko ang cell ko to text him that i cant come
to our meeting.... e kaso.... pag tinamaan k nga
naman ng malas.... check operator service daw....
i tried to look for friends or other kakilala pero
malas that day talaga....

and so i took my lunch all by my self.... naalala ko
yung letter.... hinanap ko sa bag... WALA !!!!
bumalik me sa corridor praying na andon pa yung
sulat.... wala ren.... god! why? minsan lang
magbigay ng sulat yon.... nawala pa.... dont know
how to tell him about the letter....

and so days and weeks passed, pag nagkikita
kame... di nya ako pinapansin... ako, i tried to talk
to him pero alam kong may kasalanan ako pero
ganon ba kalaki ang nagawa kong di pagpunta at
ganon na lang ang iwas nya?... sige... hinayaan ko
na lang....

months na ang binilang... i heard that he was
dating a girl from the same school that we are in...
masakit.... na sa iba ko pa narinig na sila na....
mas masakit na wala na akong halaga sa
kanya.....

basta... ilang araw din yon na ganon ang
nararamdaman ko.... weeks.... months....
gagraduate na po ako.... i wonder what's instore
for me in my last day in school.... and so i thought
na puntahan yung favorite hang out namen.... when
i was about to get near the place.... i saw him...
with the girl.... umiiyak ang bruha but i cant hear
what they are talking about.... so ive decided to
get out of that place before my tears burst out....
and then a common frend ang sumalubong sa
aken.... saying na buntis ang girl.... syempre....
durog na durog ang puso ko.... kung kaya nyo lang
ma-imagine yung naramdaman ko.....

the night of that same day.... naloka ang lola nyo....
nagparamdam ang mokong pagkaraan ng
pagkatagal-tagal na panahon... i thought it was
something good for me... for us.... pero i was
wrong.... so wrong..... he gave me a wedding
invitation and isa ako sa bridesmaids..... the girl...
she was waiting in the car.... o db? dati motor lang
ngaun... car na....

and so the wedding came.... maganda po ako
nun.... sabi ng nanay ko pero wala ng nagsecond
the motion eh.... so naniwala na lang ako sa nanay
ko.... then, there was this professor who c ame to
see me.... he handed over a letter with my name
carefully printed on the enveloped.... he said that
he looked for the owner of that letter kaso lang po
malaki po ang skul namin kaya mahirap
magkahanapan db? and so nung nakita nya ang
name ko sa invitation, he decided to bring the
letter thinking that it could save souls... daw....

and so i was about to open the letter when the
priest ask kung sino daw ang tututol... dedma
ako.... alangan namang manggulo pa ko noh....

binasa ko na ang letter..... nakakatouch po
talaga.... he opened up his feelings for me....
hoping na meron din daw akong feelings for him....
he ask that if i will show up to our hang-out the next
day after he gave his letter, then it means that i
also have feelings for him and that he would love
me for the rest of our lives.... but if i wont.... then he
will never open that topic again.... he pleaded to
me na sana pumunta ako... ...

if only i have that letter.... if only i knew about it....
kung di lang ako clumsy and carelss to keep that
letter... things would be diffrent.... if only.....

and so i heard the priest announced the couple as
husband and wife.... ang sakit......

picture taking..... gusto mang sumabog ng
nararamdaman ko.... as you know.... magaling
akong magpigil.... pero masakit po talaga....
sobra......

after the picture taking...... niyakap ako ng
bestfrend ko.... ang higpit.... and teary eyed nyang
cnabi na....

i still love you.......

2 love letters

2004-11-15T20:05:00.000-08:00

-=-w0w! ang stupid nila! as in! just read on ok?!-=-

Hey there.
I just saw you dis morning. U were passing by d caf. U were wearing ur black, donald duck t-shirt and a pair of faded blue jeans. U were walking with ur friends, chatting happily, w/ dat dazzling smile affixed on ur face. U flipped ur hair slowly w/ ur left hand, and as u passed by, a couple of girls followed u w/ their eyes. Our eyes met for a second, and i didn't know what 2 do. I completely froze on my seat. U suddenly smiled, making me see the braces on ur teeth. I smiled back timidly. U then walked past me, not giving me a second look. When i turned around, u were already gone.
Four months and nothing has changed. Ur still d cool varsity player who is also an officer of one of d most distinguished orgs in campus. And im still dat ordinary girl who sits behind u every M-W-F in our 1 hour class together. I think u only talked 2 me twice. Once was when u asked me if someone was seated beside me on d first day of classes, and i said yes. The last was wen u asked if i was done w/ our term paper. I never got d courage 2 talk 2 u first. U were so cool n popular, and i always feel like a nobody when ur around. I guess we cud never b friends. And i guess i better stop dreaming about u. It wouldn't do me any good anyway.

***********

Hey there.
I just saw u dis morning. U were in d caf when i passed by. U were wearing a blue round-neck blouse and a pair of white capri pants. U were w/ ur usual companions, eating ur usual order of Fritada. U carefully flipped through d pages of ur Psy book as u gently sipped from ur glass of iced tea. D guys arou! nd u kept giving u quick glances, but u never noticed. U were 2 busy studying. Our eyes met for a second, and i didn't know what 2 do. I thought i'd freeze on d spot. I nervously smiled, hoping u wudn't notice that im shaking. You smiled slightly, then returned to ur book. As i passed u by, i turned around 2 giv u another look. But u weren't looking.
Four months and nothing has changed. Ur still d brilliant Dean's Lister who is always a representative for school forums and conferences. And im still d ordinary guy in front of u every M-W-F in our one hour class together. I think u only talked 2 me twice. Once was wen i asked u if someone was seated beside u on our first day of classes, n u said yes. I was hoping i cud sit beside u, since ive been eyeing on u since our freshmen year. The last was wen i asked if u were done w/ our term paper. I was going 2 ask u if u cud help! me w/ mine, and eat somewhere at d same time. But wen u nodded, i completely lost my nerve. I never got d courage 2 talk 2 u again. U were so smart and popular, and i always feel like a nobody wenever ur around. I guess we could never b friends. And i guess i better stop dreaming about u. It wouldn't do me any good anyway.

hate letter

2004-11-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

Read this "HATE letter". It is so funny and creative. This is a loveletter from a boy to a girl....However, the girl's father does not like him and wants them to stop their relationship......and so....the boy wrote this letter to the girl....... He knows that the girl's father will definitely read this letter
1 "The great love that I have for you
2 is gone, and I find my dislike for you
3 grows every day. When I see you,
4 I do not even like your face;
5 the one thing that I want to do is to
6 look at other girls. I never wanted to
7 marry you. Our last conversation
8 was very boring and has not
9 made me look forward to seeing you again.
10 You think only of yourself.
11 If we were married, I know that I would find
12 life very difficult, and I would have no
13 pleasure in living with you. I have a heart
14 to give, but it is not something that
15 I want to give to you. No one is more
16 foolish and selfish than you, and you are not
17 able to care for me and help me.
18 I sincerely want you to understand that
19 I speak the truth. You will do me a favor
20 if you think this is the end. Do not try
21 to answer this. Your letters are full of
22 things that do not interest me. You have no
23 true love for me. Good-bye! Believe me,
24 I do not care for you. Please do not think that
25 I am still your boyfriend."

So bad!! However, before handing over the letter to the girl....the boy told the girl to "READ BETWEEN THE LINES", meaning - only to read 1.3.5.7.9.11.13 (Odd Nos.)

So.. please try reading it again! It's so smart & sweet.... It is better to laugh about your problems than to cry about them."

love quotes ulit!

2004-11-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

==> "Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."

==> "A break up is like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."

==> "It's a horrible thing to see your lost love walk past you with another boy or girl, and it's the worst thing to know that you made a mistake in letting him or her go."

==> "Don't ever give up if you still want to try, don't ever wipe your tears if you still want to cry. Don't ever settle for an answer if you still want to know. Don't ever say you don't love him if you can't let him go."

==> "A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty."

==> "Letting go of someone dear to you is hard, but holding on to someone who doesn't even feel the same is much harder. Giving up doesn't mean you are weak! It only means that you are strong enough to let go!"

==> "Loving you was easy, losing you was hard. Loving you is still easy, but knowing you are no longer mine, is the hardest of it all."

2004-11-12T20:37:00.000-08:00

"I may not get to see you as often as I like. I may not get to hold you in my arms all through the night. But deep in my heart I truly know, you're the one that I love, and I can't let you go."
"It's not just a physical attraction, I love him for every single thing he is. Every word he says, every step he takes. This is something that will never die. I have tried to stay reasonable with this, but I just can't anymore. I just can't."
"I love you more than any word can say ... I love you more than every action I take ... I'll be right here loving you till the end."
"When in love, sometimes it's worse to win a fight than to lose."
"Love never says, 'I have done enough."
"To the world you may only be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be ninety-nine so I never have to live without you."

2004-11-11T18:42:00.000-08:00

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think, say, or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day.

We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you. We are in charge of our attitudes.

the beauty of love

2004-11-10T16:48:00.000-08:00

The question is asked, "Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and a girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love?"

And the answer is given. "Yes, there is a more beautiful thing. It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path. Their hands are gnarled, but still clasped; their faces are seamed, but still radiant; their hearts are physically bowed and tired, but still strong with love and devotion for one another. Yes, there is a more beautiful thing than young love. Old love."

begin again

2004-11-08T14:02:00.000-08:00

One of the best things we can do in our lives is this:
Begin again.

Begin to see yourself as you were
When you were the happiest and strongest you've ever been.

Begin to remember what worked for you
(and what worked against you),
And try to capture the magic again.

Begin to remember how natural it was when you were a child --
To live a lifetime each day.

Begin to forget the baggage you have carried with you
For years:
The problems that don't matter anymore,
The tears that cried themselves away,
And the worries that are going to wash away
On the shore of tomorrow's new beginnings.

Tomorrow tells us it will be here every new day of our lives;
And if we will be wise,
We will turn away from the problems of the past
And give the future -- and ourselves -- a chance
To become the best of friends.
Sometimes all it takes is a wish in the heart to let yourself ..
Begin again.

2004-11-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

You a waterfall fairy. You live near the water to
keep your soul moist. At times you can be vain.
Sometimes you love the social life. Other times
you rather just bath in the waterfalls. Your
human size and you like to lure young men/women
to you.

What Type of Fairy are You
brought to you by Quizilla

Believe in urself!

2004-11-06T17:21:00.000-08:00

There may be days when you get up in the morning and things aren't the way you had hoped they would be.

That's when you have to tell yourself that things will get better. There are times when people disappoint you and let you down.

But those are the times when you must remind yourself to trust your own judgments and opinions, to keep your life focused on believing in yourself.

There will be challenges to face and changes to make in your life, and it is up to you to accept them.

Constantly keep yourself headed in the right direction for you. It may not be easy at times, but in those times of struggle you will find a stronger sense of who you are.

So when the days come that are filled with frustration and unexpected responsibilities, remember to believe in yourself and all you want your life to be.

Because the challenges and changes will only help you to find the goals that you know are meant to come true for you.

Keep Believing in Yourself

be greatful

2004-11-05T13:20:00.000-08:00

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trails to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to bring you joy.

Always put yourself in another's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't get on well in life until you let go of past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

are u blessed?

2004-11-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness..........you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation.......you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace....... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married........you are very rare, even in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful.....you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you prayed yesterday and today........you are in the minority because you believe God does hear and answer prayers.

If you can read now, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

24 things to rmember always

2004-11-03T17:20:00.000-08:00

Your presence is a present to the world.
You are unique and one of a kind.
Your life can be what you want it to be.
Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.
You will make it through whatever comes along.
Within you are so many answers.
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Do not put limits on yourself.
So many dreams are waiting to be realized.
Decisions are too important to leave to chance.
Reach for your peak, your goal and you prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.
The longer one carries a problem the heavier it gets.
Do not take things too seriously.
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way.
Remember that a lot … goes forever.
Remember that friendship is a wise investment.
Life’s treasure are people together.

Realize that it is never too late.
Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.
Have hearth and hope and happiness.
Take the time to wish upon a start.

AND DO NOT EVER FORGET ….
FOR EVEN A DAY
HOW VERY SPECIAL YOU ARE !

2004-11-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Whenever Beauty looks,Love is also there;
Whenever beauty shows a rosy cheek Love lights Her fire from that flame.
When beauty dwells in the dark folds of nightLove comes and finds a heart entangled in tresses.
Beauty and Love are as body and soul.Beauty is the mine, Love is the diamond.They have together
since the beginning of time-Side by side, step by step.

awwwwww...........so sad.....

2004-11-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

She was not beautiful.
Nothing about her was extraordinary.
Nothing about her made her stand out in a crowd.
She grew up in a family of six.
The eldest, she learnt responsibility at an early age.
As she grew stronger, and brighter,
She instilled a sort of light cheer to whomever she met.

She was not beautiful.
But she made others feel beautiful about themselves.
She meets a rebel boy who thinks he's all man.
Befriending him, she teaches him how to read,
A little boost the man needed to go to college.

They became friends fast and she fell,
Fast in love with her rugged, handsome student.
The "man" then finds himself in a dilemma
He soon found himself in love with a girl.
A girl so beautiful, she turned even the grouchiest men's head.
Her hair was a halo of light around her,
Her eyes the bluest blue of ocean.

Like an angel he tells his tutor
Like a beautiful angel.
The girl swallows a lump at her throat

She was not beautiful
She did not possess the heart of the one she loved
But she did not care.
As long as he was happy,
She would be or so she tried to.

She helped him write the most beautiful letter to his angel
All the time envisioning that it was she herself
Receiving those very letters.
And so the girl helped him choose the right words,
Buy the right gifts for his angel
His angel brought him much joy
And much pain to the girl who cried behind her smiles.
But that never stopped her from giving more
Than she will ever receive.

Then one day, all hell broke loose
The angel he loved left him for another man,
A richer, more successful man.
The boy was stunned
He was so hurt he did not speak for days
The girl went to him
He cried on her shoulder and she cried with him
He hurt and so did she.

Time went by.
And so the wounds heal.
The boy realizes something about his friend/tutor
He never realized before.
How her laughter sounded heavenly
Or how her smiles brightened up the darkest days.
Or simply how beautiful, yes beautiful she looked to him!

Beautiful.
This plain, simple girl was beautiful to him.
And he began to fall.
Fall so in love with this beautiful girl.

On one day, he picked up all his courage to see her.
He walked to her house, nervous ad fidgeting.
Running his thoughts over and over in his head.
He was going to tell her how beautiful she was to him.
He was going to tell her how wonderfully n love he was with her.
He knocked.
No one was home.

The next day he found out,
The beautiful girl he fell in love with had brain aneurysm
That put her into a coma.
The doctors were grim and the family decided to let her go.

One final time he got to see her.
He held her hand.
He stroked her hair,
And he cried for this beautiful girl.
He cried for he will never see her smile
Or hear her speak his name

He cried.
But it was too late.

The beautiful girl was buried and the heavens broke out
In a beautiful spring shower, a cry for their loss.
She was the most beautiful girl in the world.

Look around you.
Aren't there a lot of plain faces?
Take a good look
A real good look or you might miss out
On that beautiful person.

Forever.

wala lang....walang mapost e...

2004-10-31T20:53:00.000-08:00

kani-kanina lang, may sinabi yung
friend ko sa
isang forum...
sabi niya pag nagmahal daw ang isang tao:
"parang nakakapit sa patalim, nagdudugo na ang
kamay mo, hindi ka pa
rin bumibitaw..."

totoo nga naman diba? lalo na pag
nagpapakamartyr ka... kahit gaano
kahirap,
kahit gaano kasakit, kapit ka lang ng
mahigpit... palalim ng palalim
ang sugat,
pahigpit ng pahigpit ang hawak mo sa kutsilyo...
sa isip mo kasi "mahal
ko siya...
kailangan maging malakas ako para
sa kanya... ipaglalaban ko to..."

ang tanong diyan eh...

GUSTO BA NUNG TAONG YON NA
IPAGLABAN MO?

GUSTO BA NUNG TAONG YON NA MAGING
MALAKAS KA
PARA SA KANYA?

higit sa lahat... ALAM BA NIYA?!!

yan ang hirap sa ganyan eh... kapag wala ka na
ibang nakikita kundi
yung taong yun,
yung taong yun at yung nararamdaman mo para
sa
kanya... yun kasi ang bumubulag sayo eh... yung
mentalidad na pag nakuha mo siya,
makukumpleto
ang buhay mo...
pagminahal mo siya ng lubos, matututunan ka rin
niyang mahalin... basta
maiparamdam mo, may pagasa...

EH PANO NGA KUNG WALA? pano nga kung
hindi ka
naman niya talaga kayang
mahalin?
pano kung niloloko mo lang pala ang sarili mo?
aba siyempre, hindi

mo

makikita yun... "mahal" mo eh... kaya kung ano
lang ang gusto mo
makita, yun lang...

kapag magkasama kayo at nakikita mo siyang
ngumingiti at masaya,
iniisip mo agad dahil magkasama kayo... yun
pala
within eye's view lang
yung totoong gusto niya kaya ganun...

o kaya kapag nilalapitan ka niya para magtanong,
tuwang tuwa ka
kasi ikaw ang una niyang nilapitan... yun pala
katabi mo lang yung
gusto niya kaya sinasamantala niya yung
pagkakataon...

kapag nagkasakit ka at tumawag siya o nagtext
para mangamusta,
halos gumaling ka na in a second sa sobrang
tuwa...
nagaalala lang pala siya kasi KAIBIGAN ka niya...

KAIBIGAN KA LANG NIYA...

haay...

ipaglaban mo p're, KUNG NARARAPAT... hindi
naman
masamang
ipaglaban eh, kung mahal mo ba naman siya, at
mahal ka rin niya
eh di why not?

di sapat na MAHAL MO... sa ganyang
pagkakataon,
mas importanteng MAHAL

KA
RIN...

dahil kung hindi ka naman niya mahal, panu na
yun?
nagpipitik bulag ka na nga, magisa pa...

nagmuka ka lang
tanga...

control of ur heart.....

2004-10-30T15:28:00.000-07:00

A wise and understanding heart does not repay a hurt with a hurt. In doing so, the heart is diminished. Fissures form. Love leaks out. Every pain given in return for one received, changes the contents of the heart. It is no longer defined by love, wisdom and understanding. It is redefined by the bearers of hurt and hate, pain and prejudice, meanness and madness, sorrow and sadness. You give away control of your very own heart.

The despair of being hurt is healed by overcoming it, not clinging to the hurt and inflicting more of it on the world. When darkness is added to darkness, no one can see, no one can love. Everyone loses.

Love is not always warm and fuzzy. Sometimes it's the integrity we hold on to when we're tempted to strike back. Sometimes it's the honor that keeps us from exchanging the valuable contents of our heart for the harsh satisfaction of lashing back.

No, the way of love is not always easy, but when night falls, dawn is assured.

The integrity and honor of a wise and understanding heart, rises with the sun of a new day.

"Because you have asked for understanding to discern judgment. I have given you a wise and understanding heart." 1 Kings 3:11-12

Living in love and loving life,